Although it may sound ironic, beginning to receive love and closeness can truly be terrifying for some people. There is a fear of falling in love and maintaining intimate relationships, which, in the most severe cases, can cause physical symptoms such as tachycardia, nausea, sweating, dizziness and even the person who suffers from it can experience panic attacks. Sounds incredible doesn’t it?
In this Psychology-Online article we will see What is the fear of falling in love, its signs, causes and treatments. We will delve into where this fear of love comes from, what are the characteristics of people who are afraid of love, what are the consequences of suffering from it, as well as some tips to overcome it.
How someone who is afraid of falling in love acts
How do you know if a person is afraid of love? be afraid of love It is usually more common than it seems and although most people like to be loved and offer love, there are others who simply reject it and evade it. This extreme fear of falling in love or love is called . In reality, it is not that the person does not want to feel loved, because deep down it is what they want most, but the desire they feel is equivalent to their fear of suffering and being hurt.
On many occasions, this curious phobia is generated because the person has experienced a traumatic past experiencesuch as a bad relationship in which she was betrayed, mistreated and/or used, which creates an emotional barrier that does not allow her to let herself live and experience the pleasure of love.
When a person is afraid of falling in love, they tend to adopt a series of typical behaviors. Some of them are the following:
- When they notice that the relationship with a person is becoming closer, they inevitably begin to get away from herto avoid it, they stop frequenting it and are indifferent towards that person.
- Another sign that people give you when they are afraid of falling in love is that they fall in love with impossible people to convince themselves that they really do want to love someone, but that for one reason or another it is impossible for them to start a relationship.
- When you are getting to know a person, from the beginning find defects (whether real or not) and focus solely on them.
- They establish relationships with people who are not related with them and in this way they end up confirming that love is not for them.
- Tend to create conflict with the couple so that the other person decides to leave the relationship.
- They don’t take the time to meet a person, with which they usually make excuses such as that they are very busy with work, they like to spend more time with friends, they are not interested in meeting someone, etc.
Symptoms of fear of love
People with philophobia or fear of love, They really want to have that closer emotional bond, as well as give and receive love. However, when they realize that this is about to happen and that they are beginning to have feelings for that person, they immediately begin to experience anxiety and negative thoughts assail them, which can even lead them to have certain feelings. physical reactionslike the following:
- Anxiety
- Sweating
- Stomach ache
- Tachycardia
- Dizziness
- Panic attacks
Why am I afraid of falling in love?
There are a series of factors that can influence a person to suffer from philophobia or fear of love. Some of the causes of fear of love are:
- Having lived past traumatic experiences or negative with other couples
- Fear of rejection which often has to do with an unresolved childhood issue where the child was not accepted by his parents.
- Fear of losing control of your lifesince it is very difficult for them to adapt to changes, they are afraid that letting go and experiencing love will make them lose their freedom and personal autonomy.
- Finding yourself in a society that increasingly promotes individuality.
- having had some unaffected parents.
- Fear of commitment and the responsibility that comes with having a life as a couple because they may feel under a lot of pressure.
- Fear of being abandoned.
- Parental divorce during childhood
- Have low self-esteemsince they feel that they do not deserve someone to love them and they always put themselves down, which also increases the fear of being abandoned.
What consequences can being afraid of love have?
Denying yourself the opportunity to love can bring some consequences for emotional growth and development of the person. Among them is missing out on the opportunity to have a new life experience, since even if it is positive or negative, you learn from all experiences.
Another negative issue of rejecting love is that it encourages the person becomes more and more isolated of others. You lose the opportunity to have trusted people by your side that you can count on when you need it most. Over time you lose the ability to share, not only as a couple but also in other types of intimate relationships such as friendship.
On the other hand, finding ourselves in one or more relationships helps us increase our emotional maturity.
How to lose the fear of loving
If you are a person who constantly asks yourself “why am I afraid of falling in love” and you are reading this article, it is because you probably want to stop feeling it. Probably deep down you would like to start having a relationship but you have not dared to take the decisive step to do so or it may be that you find yourself in a relationship right now and are afraid to let go and start experiencing love. That is why we have prepared a series of tips that, if you put them into practice, will help you begin to overcome that fear. Let’s see 5 recommendations to overcome the fear of falling in love:
1. Recognize that you are afraid of love
This is the most important and often the most difficult step to begin to overcome this fear. You have to dare not only to recognize that you are afraid of loving and receiving love, but also that just as you fear it, you want it. Deep down you want to be loved and accepted by another person, but you are so afraid that even you can make yourself believe that is not the case. Dare to take this step because then you will begin to feel better about yourself for being honest, which does not make you weaker but quite the opposite.
2. Identify your defense mechanisms
Defense mechanisms are those that you put yourself on to protect yourself and in this case avoid all types of contact with another person that may imply greater closeness and intimacy. For example, one of the defense mechanisms used by people who are afraid of falling in love is to tell themselves and others that they are not interested in having a relationship, that they are fine without a partner, or that they do not want to complicate their lives. So they are more than happy. Another could be that every time they meet someone new, they begin to see flaws in them and use this as an excuse to stop dating that person.
Also, as we saw previously, there are people who get into a relationship but who, once in it, do everything possible to make it end up failing or those who spend too much time at work or with friends and “can’t find” the time. to date someone. Identify which defense mechanism you most often use to avoid intimacy and closeness. Think about some specific situations and analyze them so that you can help yourself identify it.
3. Modify your behavior and thoughts
After having identified your defense mechanisms that you use most frequently, make an effort to modify those thoughts or behaviors that do not allow you the opportunity to let yourself feel and change them for more constructive ones. For example, if the defense mechanism you use most is finding flaws in the people you date, you can change your strategy and focus more on their strengths.
As well as telling yourself more realistic things like: “you don’t know people that quickly”, “we all have flaws and virtues”, “no one is perfect”, “I can’t judge someone just by knowing them”, etc. Another case could be, for example, if you spend a lot of time being with your friends and working and you don’t take time to meet someone, you can start to organize your time better and give priority to people with whom you can have a possible relationship. .
4. Focus on the present moment
Remember that all fears are generated by situations that are not happening in the present moment since are worries about the future. That intense fear you have is caused by your own thoughts about what may or may not happen. Think that nothing is happening right now and surely the moment you start dating someone either, stop focusing on what you think is going to happen. No one really knows what will happen in the future, learn to live life moment by moment because only then will you be able to savor it and enjoy it to the fullest.
To do this, you can go into .
5. Give yourself the opportunity to try
Allow yourself to experiment and dare to live a feeling as pleasant as love. Think that if things with that person go well or badly, in the end what matters is having lived it, having gained another experience for your life. Don’t forget to give yourself the opportunity to share with another person, to love and feel loved, you can’t deprive yourself of one of the most extraordinary sensations that exist.
Last but not least, mention that in case your fear of falling in love is so intense and you have the feeling that it can do more than you or that you would simply like to receive external help to be able to overcome it. Don’t forget that psychotherapy can support you and is effective in overcoming all types of phobias and will also help you increase and improve your quality of life.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Fear of falling in love: signs, causes and treatmentwe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Montañés, MC, & Iñiguez, CG (2002). Social emotions: infatuation, jealousy, envy and empathy.
- Riso, W. (2008). Highly dangerous loves: the emotional styles with which it would be better not to fall in love: how to identify and deal with them. Norma Publishing.