When we talk about emotional attachment we are referring to that emotional bond that is generated between a baby or child and the adult who cares for them, normally the father or mother. In 1958, psychologist John Bowlby was the first to describe and study the types of attachment that exist and to this day his theories remain valid. Among Bowlby’s discoveries are that during the first years of a person’s life, it is necessary to have a stable figure so that they can have correct emotional and cognitive development in their later years. But does attachment also exist in adults?
Although attachment develops in childhood, the type of attachment we have experienced during childhood is decisive in our way of bonding with others, especially in terms of relationships, in our adult life. But what types of attachment exist? How do they manifest themselves? In this Psychology-Online article: emotional attachment in adults: types, causes and symptomswe are going to provide you with detailed information about this topic.
Types of emotional attachment in adults
There are different styles in adult love relationships, which correspond to the attachment style generated in childhood. Below we will explain in detail each of the attachment styles that exist, how they develop from childhood and how they manifest in the adult couple relationships.
Secure attachment style
These are children whose parents have always made them feel loved and accepted within the family system, through demonstration of affection, empathy and availability. Children whose parents have known how to regulate their emotions through affection and being with them unconditionally. Therefore, adults who grew up with this type of attachment during childhood are people for whom bonding with their partners is easy and pleasant, they allow themselves to depend on their partner emotionally as well as having them do the same with them. They know enjoy intimate relationships, without worrying about what might happen next, either that their partner might leave them or that they would ask for a bigger commitment. They also know how to express their needs, desires and feelings to the other person without problems.
Avoidant attachment style
Children whose parents have behaved towards them in a distant and even cold manner were slow to satisfy their needs and between them and the child there were little emotional contact. That is to say, the child was ignored on many occasions and was left in the background, meeting his needs was not important to the parents and this was constantly demonstrated to them through their actions. They also did not express love or affection to him since they probably did not receive it from his parents either. When these children become adults, they feel uncomfortable and even upset when their partner begins to seek greater closeness and intimacy. It is very difficult for them to fully trust their partner, let themselves go and depend emotionally on them as well as show affection and affection.
Anxious/ambivalent attachment style
They are children who always tried to stay close to their attachment figure, who are very dependent on them and who feel a lot of anxiety when they separate from them and even before they do so. These are mothers or fathers who acted inconsistently with their children, causing them to become dependent on them and saw only their own convenience without thinking about what was really best for their children. Adults who have grown up with this type of attachment tend to be quite fearful and insecure people regarding their romantic relationships. They have a constant fear that they may be abandoned and try to create a very close bond with their partners so that this does not happen. All of this often causes the couple or any suitors they have to distance themselves from them. These types of people are extremely dependent.
Disorganized/disoriented attachment style
These are children whose parents have behaved towards them in unpredictable and highly inconsistent ways. So sometimes they could show them affection, other times they could show them nothing, and on other occasions they could behave extremely distant, as if there was no real connection between what they were doing. They tend to be quite negligent when it comes to taking care of the child and sometimes appear extremely irresponsible. Therefore, children are quite affected and finally fail to have a clear pattern of behavior. They are people who perceive the world as threatening and try to protect themselves from it by manifesting apparently unconnected behaviors that are rather defense mechanisms to face their pain.
Adults who have grown up with this attachment style often have quite dramatic and problematic relationships with many ups and downs. On the one hand, they are afraid that they may be abandoned, but on the other hand, it is difficult for them to have too much privacy. People who can become very dependent on their partners when they feel rejected and feel suffocated when the partner is the one seeking more closeness. Many times it seems that there is no connection between what they do and what they feel.
Symptoms of emotional attachment in adults
After having explained what the different types of emotional attachment consist of, we are going to let you know what are the symptoms or characteristics that people who present each of them normally present.
Symptoms of secure attachment style
- Accept depending emotionally on the partner and that the partner depends on them.
- Feel happy about the well-being of the couple
- They like to spend time with their partner but they also know how to give them their space
- They feel secure in the love they feel for their partner and that their partner feels for them
- They do not live with the worry that their partner is going to leave them even though they know that these are things that can happen to everyone.
- They accept when the couple does not want to continue with the relationship despite the natural pain that this may cause them.
- They know how to enjoy intimacy and closeness in a relationship
Symptoms of avoidant attachment style
- They appear distant and even cold towards their partner.
- It generates anxiety and discomfort when the couple seeks a higher level of intimacy and commitment.
- They avoid becoming emotionally dependent on their partner
- They find it difficult to express their feelings and emotions
- They lend themselves a lot to having long-distance relationships.
- They place a lot of value on independence and personal autonomy.
- They easily overcome rejections since they do not give much importance to romantic relationships
- The couple is not usually their priority
Symptoms of anxious/ambivalent attachment style
- They base their happiness almost exclusively on their relationship.
- They have a constant fear of being abandoned
- They feel insecure if they are not close to their partner
- Much of your emotional energy and day-to-day thoughts are based on your relationship.
- They try to interpret what their partner says or does all the time.
- They frequently feel that their partner does not love them as much as they want, so they tend to be very demanding with them in terms of how much they show them their love.
Symptoms of disorganized/disoriented attachment style
- They can love and hate their partner at the same time.
- Their relationships tend to be very conflictive and dramatic.
- It seems that what they do and what they feel are not in harmony
- They are prone to developing a histrionic or a
- With their attitude they often confuse their partner about what they feel.
- They can be very afraid of being abandoned and can feel dependent on their partner, especially if they reject them, and when the partner shows emotional dependence on them, they usually feel suffocated and uncomfortable.
Causes of emotional attachment in adults
As we have seen previously, all people from childhood develop a different attachment style depending on the relationship we have had with our attachment figures or direct caregivers. But why have our parents instilled in us one style of emotional attachment and not another? What does it depend on whether we have grown up with a certain type of emotional attachment?
The emotional attachment style that we have received from our parents is consequence of what they also received in their childhood. The fact that our parents have related to us in a certain way and not another, has been because their parents have also treated them that way and therefore this is the way in which they know how to act and show affection, at the moment they do not have another way to do it.
It is not about blaming our parents, if we do not feel comfortable with the way we relate romantically with other people, it is about being aware and knowing the origin of it. So if we now better understand where our way of acting and therefore of relating to our partner can come from, it will be easier to begin to make the pertinent modifications to heal ourselves and being able to relate the way we want with others.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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