One of our most famous hormones is Ms. Dopamine: the “mina” (woman, in lunfardo) that “dopes” you (drugs you). Although the term could also refer to gold mines, or war, which would also have its logic. We are far from these being its etymological roots, but it is very real that men, particularly (although not exclusively) are highly vulnerable to being doped by… mines.
When dopamine levels are optimal, we are the best version of ourselves: we are motivated, happy, satisfied, we relate well to others, our libido is good, we feel love, we take conscious risks and we are enthusiastic, but not feverish.
Likewise, if our dopamine is very high we feel obliged to achieve whatever it takes without caring about the consequences; We become demanding and have a fixed mindset. This was very good 150,000 years ago when what we had to obtain was food, shelter or a mate, commanded by our genetics.
However, if the levels are very low, reluctance, depression, low libido, sexual dysfunction and the search for addictions to restore what was lost can occur.
When dopamine levels are optimal we are the best version of ourselves
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Let’s not misunderstand: it is not only Dopamine is responsible for these changes, but it does have a huge influence. When it comes to understanding each other, if we were a stew, hormones would be something like condiments. Just as there are a thousand ways to season a stew, varying the quantities and proportions of the different spices, there are also countless possibilities of combining quantities and types of hormones within us.
We season the stews we eat at will, however, our emotional “stew” is almost always seasoned alone, guided by unconscious functions. In fact, some smell exquisite and others, horrible; There are some that are inedible, spicy, salty, tasteless, etc. Likewise, there are those that look bad but taste good, or those that, no matter how delicious they look, are unpalatable. In short, the combinations are incalculable and surprises are always around the corner.
What never ceases to surprise is the fact that even though we know that we are the ones who make our hormonal cocktails, we tend to hold others responsible for the state of our mood, assuming we are reactive machines, solely controlled by the environment.
But let’s get back to dopamine and mines (I’m not talking about the exploding ones, or the gold ones.) We come with a genetically programmed order that can be super stressful for us: reproduce. As you know, we are born with all a package of ancestral orders such as, for example, obtaining territory, establishing hierarchies, feeding ourselves, saving energy and perpetuating the species, among many others. But since we spend so many hours with sex on our minds, whether consciously or unconsciously, we’ll see how Mrs. (or Miss.) Dopamine can intervene to ingrain certain patterns of behavior.
Our primitive emotional brain networks will strongly activate the dopaminergic reward circuit, rewarding us with pleasurable shocks when we move in the direction of his request for a sexual encounter. It rewards us when it crosses our mind, and even more if we do something to achieve it, and it rewards us again when we achieve it. And then: See you, baby! Goodbye prizes for a good time. Unless…
Hormones would be something like condiments
Let’s move on to the mice first. Scientists put a male mouse with a receptive female and after a while (and before he “concretes”) they measure his dopamine levels and see, as would be expected, the package of hormonal changes that induce a male to procreate – that the dopamine values rise until he manages to copulate with her (you have to be very attentive, because it is one of the fastest and shortest acts I know – I deeply admire scientific patience -). They then measure his dopamine again and it is observed that the number fell below normal and can remain that way for several days. However, if he is placed next to a new receptive female, the number immediately rises again as part of the hormonal package of procreative behavior, and then sinks again once the goal of copulation is achieved. Poor mouse! One imagines that he can’t take it anymore… However, when another new receptive female appears next to him… Let’s go! The same. And if they continue to introduce mice, the end of the story can be very sad. Perhaps in mouse heaven they will welcome him as a hero, but on earth his mission will be over.
As you can see with mice, exchanging genes is an absolute priority for nature. Each time we do them, new individuals recombine characters, damaged DNA strands are repaired and there is also the possibility of mutations occurring that can improve the species.
The pleasure received from a “self-dose” of dopamine is highly addictive
Humans are not exempt from these types of genetic commands, but our sexual behaviors, altered by social learning, are much more complex and variable. However, it is not uncommon to get trapped in the primitive third party behavior pattern, and dopamine has a lot to do with this scenario. We tend to repeat patterns of behavior that give us pleasure and by doing this we reinforce and solidify them until we believe that they are our only possibility.
The pleasure received from a “self-dose” of dopamine is highly addictive and, sometimes, we simply stay stuck in the behaviors that caused us to get it.
As with any addiction, there is a “high” period and a “hangover” period that makes us long to restore previous dopamine levels, something we generally seek through the patterns of behaviors we already know. Dopamine rises during flirting and then drops after orgasm. Of course, some feel this hangover is desperate and do whatever it takes to recover. In fact, if looking for a third party is the only option we know of to achieve this, it is not surprising that we become trapped in a sexual addiction. We are addicted to what we can’t stop doing. If our brain does not know any other option, it cannot choose it.
There are different ways to approach sex. If we polarize the way we approach our sexual life we can find two extremes: on the one hand, lust, on the other, love. In total lust the other is an object used to obtain the pleasure of an orgasm, while in total love the equation is inverted and what is important is what we give and the orgasm is no longer the primary goal. We oscillate combining both variables.
In the love extreme, the dopamine level remains more stable by not dropping abruptly after orgasm.
We are not saying that the only way to be happy is to avoid orgasm. But why not expand our possibilities? Using our sexuality as a form of intimate communication and expression of deep affection – and not just for the purpose of discharge – expands the options of our brain. Installing new behavioral patterns will help us become independent from our ancestral biological commands, and will give us the possibility of choosing how to feel good.
This is no small matter: retraining our reward system, helping it learn to wait and delay gratification (or finding it in new ways) can be one of the most liberating challenges of our lives.
Installing new behavioral patterns will help us become independent from our biological commands
Learning to become independent of our primitive emotional commands and recognizing ourselves more than them will provide us with enormous strength. Stopping seeing the requests of our emotional brain as orders and understanding that they are simply options that we can consciously ignore or take will give us great fortitude:
Why not use sex as a tool to teach our emotional system to cycle through other options?
Changing habits is not something that is learned in the blink of an eye. This does not give us immediate satisfaction, and our emotional system does not like to wait: it is up to each individual to choose. The biggest rewards are the hardest to get. To obtain new achievements it is necessary to do things in a different way than the way we have been working: step by step, but with determination and patience.
As Albert Einstein said: “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result.” Or as one wise old woman put it: “It is better to learn to row than to keep changing boats.” If you don’t know how to row a boat, you won’t know how to row another. Learning is, in the long term, a better business to reduce our amount of stress and grow during the process.
Have a beautiful week, with optimal dopamine levels, to keep our energy high, our minds calm, and our hearts happy!
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