When we are worried or dissatisfied, most of us will do anything to not feel these feelings. Instead, we avoid them, look for something to distract or calm ourselves, or try to solve problems to get out of them.
and other colleagues have found that psychological flexibility is made up of six basic skills, including one they call “defusion.” Below, Hayes explains what it is and how we can learn to build it.
Often, most of us live in a state of cognitive fusion, completely buying what our thoughts tell us and allowing them to direct our actions and choices too much. This happens because we are programmed to notice that the world is structured by our thoughts, but we miss the fact that we are the ones thinking these thoughts.
The other side of fusion is when we see our thoughts for what they really are: continuous attempts to make sense of the world, so we give them power only to the extent that they truly serve us. We can notice the act of thinking, without becoming immersed or entangled in our thoughts. Our made-up word for this act of noticing is .
Helpful in learning defusion is understanding the craving that drives our obsessive talking and problem-solving. It is a longing to create coherence and understanding from our mental cacophony, and it is a perfectly understandable desire. We feel vulnerable when our thoughts don’t fit together, especially when they are contradictory.
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The first step in moving away from believing our automatic thoughts is to become aware of how complicated our thought processes are. One way to start is to give your mind free rein to think for a few minutes and then write down the series of thoughts that arise.
I did this exercise as soon as I woke up one morning when I was writing this book, and here were my thoughts:
It’s time to get up. No, it is not; It’s only 6:00. That’s seven hours of sleep. I need eight, that’s the goal. I feel fat. Well, birthday cake, duh. I have to eat cake on my son’s birthday. Maybe, but it’s not that big of a portion. I bet I’m up to 196 pounds. Shoot…by the time I run the Halloween/Turkey Day candy gauntlet, I’ll be back to over 200 pounds. But maybe not. Maybe more like 193. Maybe exercise more. Anything would be “more.” I have to concentrate. I have a chapter to write. I’m falling behind…and I’m getting fat again. Noticing the voices and letting them flow can be a good start to the chapter. Better to go back to sleep. But maybe it could work. It was sweet of Jacque to suggest it. She wakes up early. Maybe it’s her cold. Maybe I should get out of bed and see if she’s okay. It’s only 6:15. I need my eight hours. Now it’s close to seven and a half hours. It’s not eight yet.
Not only are these thoughts remarkably devious, but most of them are about rules and punishments. Many of them are also contradictions of previous thoughts. This type of mentality is probably familiar to you.
This type of discussion with ourselves comes naturally to most of us. In fact, even young children understand the old cartoon scene of a demon on one shoulder and an angel on the other. When we are deeply focused on a mental task, our minds enter a state of flow, in which our thoughts, emotions, and actions are temporarily synchronized. But our most common state is mind wandering, which is often characterized by a great deal of disagreement and mental disconnection.
To see how automatic and meandering your own thinking is, take a minute to point your thoughts in the direction you choose. Then, keep track as they run their course. Write down everything you notice.
After completing this exercise, repeat it two more times, letting your thoughts run for one minute each time. In the second round, imagine that your job is to discover whether each thought is true or appropriate. In the third round, imagine that your thoughts are like the voices of first-grade fighters. Adopt a posture of curiosity and amusement, but do nothing except warn them.
In the second round, you will probably experience the sensation of being pulled directly into your thoughts. Its volume may have increased; your focus on your content may have increased. You may have had an argument with your mind. In the third round, you will notice the general flow of your thoughts. Most likely, the specific content seemed less important, and I had the feeling of being outside of any argument.
That difference explains how defusion exercises weaken the link between automatic thoughts and behavior. Our ability to step away from our thoughts becomes stronger as we practice. When we learn defusion skills, we can take the energy of our self-defeating longing and direct it toward learning to be gently guided by our experiences.
Here is an initial set of commonly used defusion techniques. The first two are general defusion-building exercises, and the others are designed to deactivate specific problematic thoughts. Consider these to be the core of your defusion practice. In your first two weeks, repeat each one at least once a day. Also, if during the course of the day you notice that you are trapped by a thought, wear a pair in the moment to free yourself.
While it is common and even helpful for you to feel a sense of freedom and distance within minutes after practicing these exercises, be careful. Your mind may try to convince you that you have solved your problems. Don’t believe it: your inner dictator is just giving you a dangerous new thought to deactivate.
No matter how good you are at defusion, your mind will continue to form new thoughts that you will naturally merge with. An example is thinking: “I am the world’s expert on defusion!” It is vital that you stay aware of this trend. I’ve been practicing defusion for over 30 years, and I still have to recover every day while I get tangled up in my thoughts. For me, sometimes just catching my thoughts is enough to break the control, but if not, I immediately engage in one of these practices. However, the fusion sometimes escapes me for a while. Your goal is progress, not perfection.
One last warning: Some of these exercises may seem strange, even silly. Humans are funny creatures! Just work through them with a sense of purpose.
1. Disobey on purpose
Let me start with one that I’m sure will seem puzzling. Just trust me. Get up and carry a phone, book, or other object with you as you walk slowly around the room, reading the following sentence aloud several times. Yes, read this sentence while you walk.
OK? Ready? Get up. Walk. Read. Go!
Here is the sentence: “I can’t walk around this room.”
Keep walking! She slowly but clearly repeats that sentence as she walks at least five or six times. “I can’t walk through this room.” Now you can sit down again.
It’s such a small thing, isn’t it? It’s a little poke in the eye of the inner dictator, which is what I call the dominant problem-solving part of our minds that constantly suggests “solutions” to our psychological pain, and a little tug on his superhero cape.
This exercise was one of our first defusion discoveries. Although it’s a silly exercise, a team in Ireland recently showed in a lab experiment that it immediately increased tolerance to experimentally induced pain by almost 40 percent. In the study, people were willing to hold their hand on a very, very hot plate (not too hot to the point of injury, but hot enough to cause real pain) 40 percent longer, after just a few minutes. moments of saying one thing while doing the opposite.
Even the smallest demonstration that the mind’s power over you is an illusion can give you much more freedom to do difficult things. You can easily incorporate this into your life as a regular practice (right now I’m thinking, “I can’t write this sentence!” as I type).
2. Give your mind a name and listen to it politely
When we listen to another person, we choose whether to agree with what they have to say (or not). With our inner voice, we usually don’t feel like we have that choice to agree or disagree, but that’s the stance I’d like you to try to take. Research has shown that naming your mind – giving it a different name than what you call yourself – helps with this. Because? Because if your mind has a different name, it is different from “you.”
I call mine “George”. Choose any name you want, including “Mr. Mind” or “Mrs. Mind” they will. Now greet your mind using his new name, as if you were being introduced to him at a party. Of course, if you are around others while you are reading this, for example on a bus or train, do so in your mind.
3. Appreciate what your mind is trying to do
As you listen to his thoughts and notice when his mind starts chattering, respond with something like, “Thanks for that thought, George. Really, thank you.” You must say it sincerely, because if you say it with disdain, then the problem solving will continue. You might want to add: “I really understand that you’re trying to be helpful, so thank you for that. But I have this covered.” Say this out loud if you are alone or internally if you are with other people.
Your mind will probably recoil with thoughts like, “That’s stupid, that won’t help!” She responds again with: “Thanks for that thought, George. Thank you, I really see how you are trying to be helpful.” You might consider inviting him to comment further by replying, “Do you have anything else to say?”
4. Sing it
This method is powerful when you have a really difficult thought. Turn that thought into a prayer and try singing it; again, do it out loud if you’re alone or in your head if you have company. Any melody will do. My default option is “Happy Birthday.” Don’t worry about the writing or rhyming scheme: you’re not auditioning! Simply repeat your thought to the melody of your choice.
Now find a thought that bothers you and try it. Experiment with different melodies, or sing quickly or…