People often ask me about the magic potion of emotional safety own or by tricks to help develop it in others. To which, as a therapist, I always start by noting that there are no shortcuts. Be part of our personal growth and transformation process and, as such, it requires systematic internal audit processes, a continuous introspective look and, above all, a huge, tremendous and determined effort.
Emotional security is a feeling of satisfaction. We feel comfortable perceiving that we have been able to become the person we want to be and have built a healthy and nutritious environment around us. The absence or presence of this inner trait reverts to all areas of our lives: in the relationships we establish, the decisions we make, the challenges we face, the choices we make, and the attitudes we adopt.
Ivan Joseph – director of athletics and head of one of the most formidable sports strategy, leadership and administration programs in American universities – says that parents often approach him to ask him what he appreciates in young people to give them scholarships at their university. Of all the skills that boys can possess, the one he looks for is the confidence and self-assurance.
He believes that the key in sport –as in so many other areas of life– lies in the ability to practice to infinity. For Joseph that is the key to the development of emotional security. Often after the second failure, people give up and throw in the towel. And it is not possible to separate self-confidence from perseverance.
overcome obstacles
Despite people’s desire to achieve that state, the magnitude of the desire is not always proportional to the will to undertake, with determination and perseverance, the required sacrifices. Not in vain, thomas a edison he made about 10,000 tries before hitting the blessed incandescent bulb.
who knows how many frustrated attempts they preceded the invention that made the brothers Orville and Wilbur Wright go down in the annals of aviation history. JK Rowling, author of the famous Harry Potter saga, sent the original manuscript of her work to twelve publishers before being accepted. I wonder how many of us would have given up after the third or fourth refusal?
In the different stages of the life cycle, emotional security is worked on and developed in various ways. During childhood and adolescence It is extremely important that our environment is ordered by establishing clear behavioral limits. The fact that adults accompany these arts in an effective way, being affectionate and delicate in manner, but firm and consistent in the background, is an engine that generates sense of protection and securityduring childhood and its effects will last throughout the adulthood of any person, since the rules of behavior lead us to act correctly with respect to the chores of each of the stages that we live.
And that is, without a doubt, a reason for great joy and vital content for any individual, no matter how old they are, because there is nothing more comforting and restorative than feel competent in doing what we consider rightovercoming the challenges of each age.
Already in the adult phaseemotional security is not forged so much through the limits as thanks to the challenges overcome and the small and big successes achieved during life. The same acts are the clear demonstration of the ability to carry them out.
Being able to establish bonds of affection strong with family, make good choices regarding friends and partner, complete training or learn a trade, stabilize in a job, incorporate the lessons that underlie mistakes, overcome the adversities of lifegrowing and becoming a better person every day… are some of the sources that inspire emotional security.
The Inner Critic
To this same end, it is essential to modulate and reconvert the ruthless critic in us into a positive voice. How often do I hear this demand in my office: “I would like you to help me be more secure“. The emotional security deficit is responsible for making innumerable erroneous determinations and, therefore, the cause of most of our vital disasters.
It constitutes the main source of the mistreatment to which we submit ourselves, by imputing the demerit of not knowing how to be better. A clear example of this are some couple choices, in which, often, intuition and common sense alert us that this relationship is not convenient for us; but the fateful inner critic insists on warning us that we will not find anything better.
But beware! Lest we belittle feelings of pain, dissatisfaction, failure, disappointment, sadness, or regret, and underestimate their function and value. Is he inner malaise correctly administered, the great ally that should lead us to reflection, to the development of our own awareness about our Achilles heels and pending matters, and to the identification of the efforts and steps that we must take to travel the paths of improvement.
Be positive and run away from any adverse feelings it has become a form of “moral correctness” –in the words of Susan David in her book (Sirio, 2018)–. And yet, no one has succeeded redirect important aspects of his life – adding value to his experience and generating meaning and satisfaction – if it were not for the intensity of his grief and frustration.
Emotionally secure people…
are engaged with their own needs and those of others. They are capable of establishing small objectives, for which they gradually strive to achieve them.
They are affected peoplefor less stresssince they are efficient in identifying which issues deserve their attention and concern, and which other issues are secondary and do not require great mental dedication.
In conflict situations tend to be good managers, because they have empathy and detachment. They can put themselves in the other’s shoes to experience a different perspective from their own, while taking distance so as not to become too fused with the situation and its complexities.
They generate greater cohesion in the groups of which they are a part. With an open mind and a predisposition to unity among equals, they generate healthy dynamics, maintaining and strengthening their diversity.
The performance of the equipment made up of emotionally secure people is higher than average. Their social skills and their gifts to transcend their own interests for the benefit of the common good incline them to do so. Likewise, their performances generate greater job satisfaction. They enjoy feeling that they contribute to the well-being of others.