As they grow, our children know that they can act on the environment that surrounds them, and more and more activities arise around them in which to test their intelligence, their memory, their personal and interpersonal skills… And depending on From all of this little by little we are shaping the self-concept and self-esteem.
Now, how does the child know that he has done things well? Well, among other conditions, because we as parents and other significant people for him make him see it this way, in addition to the results of his actions that provide him with the necessary feedback.
Comments, attitudes and feelings
A person’s level of self-esteem depends on comments, attitudes and feelings. that parents and close people transmit.
Parents play a fundamental role in our children’s self-esteem because we influence how they feel and relate to others. If we trust them, if we make them see their progress, if we support them through difficulties, if we help them iron out defects… then their self-esteem will be high and they will feel safe and confident.
Children’s self-esteem is greatly affected by labels that on many occasions we adults ourselves hang up on them. It is about the child labeled or pigeonholed into a defect or negative character trait: “he is lazy,” “he is very messy,” “he is a liar,” “he is a talker,” “he is very shy,” “he is.” etc
What can come of all this for a child who is marked or defined with any of those labels is very negative. There is even talk of a “Self-fulfilling prophecy” to refer to this phenomenon: the same label makes the child behave based on the label we have placed on him.
The degree of self-esteem can be a determining factor for success or failure not only in school or work tasks but in fundamental aspects of our lives.
Of success
Our children need check for themselves that they are capable of doing certain things. They need to do them to practice and to learn from them. In this sense, it is not possible to protect them for fear of them getting hurt, falling or suffering from something or simply to prevent them from doing something wrong.
They will learn to do many activities if we allow them to. But if they don’t need to do it because we don’t let them do it, they will never have the opportunity to see for themselves that they are capable of doing it or simply improve what they already do, even if they do it badly. Many times we are too quick to judge beforehand our children’s abilities or our own.
We frequently hear the following comments:
- “That’s very difficult for you, don’t worry, I’ll do it”
- “That, you better not even try it, look what happened to you the other day”
- “Not to mention that the other day you left him in a mess.”
What do we achieve with it? The main consequence is that we limit the possibilities of making mistakes and preventing us from acquiring skills. By telling them that they cannot do it, that they will not do it well, that it is not even worth trying because we already anticipate that they will do it badly, we hinder their ability to develop in a certain facet and we once again find ourselves with the “self-fulfilling prophecy.”
If I think it’s going to go wrong, if those around me also believe it, it’s most likely going to go wrong.
Interpret your successes and failures
Imagine that we downplay the effort our children are making to learn to write their name correctly after a couple of trials, because we consider that they are obliged to do so or because it is what they should do. We are teaching them to make a misinterpretation of what they are capable of doing.
For ex. If the child’s self-image problem is her poor academic performance, we should highlight any academic achievement even if it is below the average for her class.
Many of the activities that a child faces for the first time are very difficult, Although they seem very easy to us, we should not embellish them with phrases like “come on, it’s very easy, you’re not trying hard enough” or “it was very difficult and you can’t” “you don’t know, let me.” I do”.
We must suppress criticism for failure, go to the facts not to personal disqualifications: “this is wrong, for this and for this”, but never say: “you are lazy, you are…”
We have to go further and try to make the child understand that there are simple things and complex things and that it will depend on each person to do it better or worse, on the effort invested to achieve it, on the motivation. But above all, it will be essential that you understand the idea that failures or errors are opportunities that arise to learn, the more errors the greater the learning because it will indicate that it will have been tried and practiced the greater number of times.
Corrections must be made based on small achievements: “this exercise is not correct, you should try to do it well, just like you did very well yesterday…”
Comments from your teachers
The first image that our children have of themselves is the one that we have provided them in the family environment. But little by little the circle is expanding based on the relationships that our children have with other people.
With the incorporation to the school, the teacher begins to take on a relevant role. This professional becomes an important reference point for our children and will collaborate with us in strengthening self-esteem.
The vision that the teacher has of them can help them reinforce what they had already acquired and transform it.
Relationships with significant others
Little by little, companions will occupy a privileged place in the lives of our children. At first its influence is minimal, but as our children begin to compare themselves with others it will become greater (around 8 years old). Then they will begin to value themselves not only for what they can do, but they will be able to see if they do it better or worse than others.
From grandparents, caregivers, relatives, friends of parents…
They also constitute important reference points for our children and all of them can contribute to the adequate development or not of their self-esteem.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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