“Over 20 years practicing psychology, I began to notice an ‘invisible factor’ from childhood that weighed on people in adulthood, destroying their joy, making them feel disconnected or dissatisfied, or causing them to struggle with self-discipline. I called it emotional neglect,” writes Dr. Jonice Webb, a psychology graduate recognized for her groundbreaking work in defining, describing, and addressing childhood emotional neglect (CEN). She writes, speaks, and training therapists on the subject, and is the author of the books and . She also created and directs the CEN Online Recovery Program, Fuel Up For Life.
Emotional neglect is an invisible and unmemorable childhood experience. However, it can influence your entire adult life.
What makes childhood emotional neglect invisible and unmemorable? There are several important factors. It can happen in families that are otherwise loving and caring and not deprived materially. Emotional neglect is, in some ways, the opposite of mistreatment and abuse, explains Dr. Webb. While mistreatment and abuse are acts of the parents, emotional neglect is the failure of the parents to act. It is a failure to pay attention to, notice, or respond appropriately to a child’s feelings. Because it is an act of omission, it is not visible, notable, or memorable. Emotional neglect is the blank space in the family image; the background instead of the foreground. It is insidious and overlooked while doing silent damage to people’s lives.
Children who are emotionally neglected later grow up to have a particular set of struggles. Because their emotions were not validated as children, they may have difficulty knowing and trusting their own emotions as adults. They may have difficulty understanding their own feelings, as well as those of others. Because an important part of themselves (their emotional self) has been denied, they may find themselves disconnected, dissatisfied, or empty. They may have difficulty trusting or depending on others. Many feel that they are different from others; like something is wrong with them, but they’re not sure what it is. Another way parents can inadvertently neglect their children emotionally is by not giving them structure and rules to live by, such as consequences and discipline. As a result, the emotionally neglected often have difficulty with self-discipline as adults.
However, it’s not your fault. There are answers and once you understand the problem, you can begin to heal.
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7 Signs You Grew Up With Childhood Emotional Neglect
FEELINGS OF EMPTY
Emptiness feels different to different people. For some, it is a feeling of emptiness in the belly, chest, or throat that comes and goes. For others, it is a numbness, an immobility.
FEAR OF BEING DEPENDENT
It’s one thing to be an independent person. But feeling deeply uncomfortable depending on someone is something else. If you find yourself taking great care not to need help, support, or attention from others, you may have this fear.
UNREALISTIC SELF-EVALUATION
Is it difficult for you to know what you are capable of? What are your strenghts and weaknesses? What do you like? What do you want? What is important to you? Struggling to answer these questions is a sign that you don’t know yourself as well as you should.
YOU HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR YOURSELF, BUT YOU HAVE A LOT FOR OTHERS
Are you harder on yourself than you would be on a friend? Do others talk to you about their problems, but you find it difficult to share yours?
GUILT, SHAME, SELF-DIRECTED ANGER AND TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG
The fabulous four, all directed at yourself. Some people tend to go straight to guilt and shame whenever a negative event occurs in their lives. Do you feel ashamed of things that most people would never be ashamed of, like having needs, making mistakes, or having feelings?
FEELING FATALLY DEFECTIVE
That deep sense where you know something is wrong in your life, but you can’t determine what it is. “It’s me,” you say to yourself, and you feel that it is true. “I’m not nice”, “I’m different from other people”. “Something happens to me”.
DIFFICULTY FEELING, IDENTIFYING, MANAGING AND/OR EXPRESSING EMOTIONS
Are you at a loss for words when you’re upset? Do you have a limited vocabulary regarding emotions? Do you often feel confused about why people (including yourself) feel or act the way they do?
Parents who fail to notice, undervalue, or under-respond to their children’s emotions inadvertently convey a powerful, subliminal message to the child: your feelings don’t matter.
To cope as a child, you naturally repress your emotions, to prevent them from becoming a “problem” in your childhood home.
Then, as an adult, you live without sufficient access to your emotions: your emotions, which should be directing you, guiding you, informing you, connecting you and enriching you; your emotions, which should tell you who you care about, what you care about, and why.
Once you understand the reason why you always feel defective, and how it came about, you can begin to heal childhood emotional neglect by addressing it. You can establish a new outlet for your emotions. You can learn skills to use them. You can finally accept that your feelings are real and that they matter. You can see that you matter.
The Childhood Emotional Neglect Questionnaire
If you have any of the 7 signs mentioned above, take a moment to answer the following questions, with “yes” or “no”, and keep a record of your answers:
- Do you sometimes feel like you don’t belong when you are with your family or friends?
- Do you pride yourself on not depending on others?
- Do you have difficulty asking for help?
- Do you have friends or family who complain that you are distant or cold?
- Do you feel like you haven’t reached your potential in life?
- Do you often just want to be left alone?
- Do you secretly feel like you’re a fraud?
- Do you tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations?
- Do you often feel disappointed or angry with yourself?
- Do you judge yourself more harshly than you judge others?
- Do you compare yourself to others and often find yourself sadly lacking?
- Do you find it easier to love animals than people?
- Do you often feel irritable or unhappy for no apparent reason?
- Do you have difficulties knowing what you feel?
- Do you have difficulties identifying your strengths and weaknesses?
- Do you sometimes feel like you’re watching from the outside?
- Do you think you are one of those people who could easily live like a hermit?
- Do you have trouble calming down?
- Do you feel that there is something that prevents you from being present in the moment?
- Do you sometimes feel empty inside?
- Do you secretly feel that something is wrong with you?
- Do you have problems with self-discipline?
Check your positive answers. These answers will show you areas in which you may have experienced emotional neglect as a child. The more questions you answered “Yes,” the more likely it is that childhood emotional neglect has affected your life.
The way your parents treat you emotionally determines how you will treat yourself as an adult. This has been shown time and time again in study after study, explains Dr. Webb. Emotion is an undeniable part of your biology. If you ignore your emotions, you will feel ignored on some level, no matter how much care you give yourself in other ways.
It has been shown that general intelligence is more valuable to success in life and work than general intelligence. It is extremely vital that you know how to name, use and manage emotions, as well as how to deal with them in others.
Emotion hides behind behavior. Your behavior is directed by your emotions. We are not born knowing the language of emotion. It can be powerful, complex and confusing. Many people find it easier to just ignore it. But if you have emotional blind spots, you will also be blind to other people’s emotions, including your children.
Pay attention. Start noticing your true nature. What do you like, don’t like, make you angry, scared or cause difficulty? Work to connect with what you feel, including your pain.
Ask yourself frequently:
What’s happening?
Why did I do that?
Why I say that?
How I feel?
What I wish?
What am I afraid of?
It is worring me?
What makes me angry, sad, hurt, etc.?
Listen carefully to your answers: these are difficult questions that can sometimes be difficult to answer. But the simple act of doing them and tuning in begins to break down the wall between you and your emotions, Dr. Webb says. Keep in mind that the goal is to feel and manage your emotions. This is perhaps the most difficult step. When you can discern what you are feeling, you can work to learn to tolerate, control, and appropriately express your feelings. Never judge yourself by what you feel. What matters is what you do with what you feel. Judge yourself only by your actions, not your emotions.
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