We have all made mistakes, blunders, and made decisions we regret. Life is like that, sometimes we get it right and other times we get it wrong. The problem is that our minds tend to get “stuck” on past mistakes.
In the clinic it is very common to find consultants who have difficulties letting go of guilt and building the life they want. They spend a lot of energy ruminating about what life would be like if they had made different decisions or constantly blaming themselves for the consequences of those decisions.
There are many ways to address guilt in therapy, but today I want to present to you a simple and very useful resource that I found on and that I have been using for some time to help my clients take a slightly more compassionate, kinder and less rigid, which allows them to leave the circle of rumination and put concentrated actions into building the life they want.
Recommendation: before using this resource, dedicate a few sessions to work on self-compassion skills with the client. The word compassion in the social context in which we live usually has a connotation of “pity” and in this case “self-pity”, but in therapy we use it in another sense: respectful, calming and gentle behaviors before the painful and difficult aspects of life, which generally helps through the most difficult moments. A few years ago we published a good one that can help you in case you don’t have training or knowledge in this skill.
The exercise has only five questions (therein its beauty) that can be applied in online and in-person sessions. In online sessions I like to create a document in Google Docs with the questions so that the consultant can answer them live from their computer and both read them in real time. But you can also ask him to share the screen and use Word or whatever word processor he prefers. The important thing is that the client can write each of the answers in their own words and that the therapist functions as a facilitator or guide. In this way the consultant will not only be able to build the alternatives that he wants for her life, but will also learn the structure of the exercise to use it in his life.
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The five central questions are written in bold. I added some examples so the therapist can clarify any questions and guide the process, but please feel free to use specific examples from your client.
An exercise to address guilt and regret
- Write down the decisions or situations you regret. You can guide the consultant to choose two or three topics that bring him the most difficulties and with which he ruminates the most.
- Take a few minutes to analyze the reasons why you regret it. What did you do to feel sorry? What were the negative consequences caused by your behavior? In this second step you must help the consultant to be as precise as possible. This question is quite powerful because it makes it easier to get in touch with those painful emotions and thoughts and memories that people try to avoid.
- From a compassionate and kind perspective, write down the reasons why you made that decision at the time, or the circumstances you found yourself in.. Try to practice compassion with yourself. For example: “It was a difficult situation for you, you felt overwhelmed by problems at work and at that moment you thought it was the best decision.” Or also: “You were very young, you didn’t know how to ask for help, or solve that problem at that time.” A situation that is seen very frequently in the clinic is people who regret having stayed too long in a relationship in which they were not happy or in which they suffered some type of abuse or deception. In this case it can be done as follows: “You gave your all in that relationship, you were very focused on protecting and maintaining that relationship, and at that moment you couldn’t notice the warning signs.” If the patient blames himself for having remained in an aggressive relationship for too long, you could say: “It is understandable that you did not know how to act, in your personal history you have not had a model that taught you how a respectful romantic relationship works and that It will guide you to recognize the unhealthy dynamics of that relationship.” Remember: The central idea is that the client can learn to develop self-compassion and be kinder to themselves. The world is already hard, there is no need for us to also whip ourselves, which is also very ineffective.
- Take a few minutes to reflect on what you would do differently if you found yourself in the same situation in the future. What actions would you take? What would you consider? Write your answer and try to be as precise as possible.
- Now take a few minutes to analyze what things you wrote in the previous question you can do in the present. Try to be as precise as possible. For example: do you feel guilty for not having finished a personal project (exercise routine, academic projects, etc.)? Analyze what steps you can take today to resume them, what small steps you can take to do so or start them. Do you feel guilty for having stayed too long in a relationship that didn’t make you happy? Establish what limits you want to establish in your relationships or learn better ways to communicate what you need. Do you feel guilty because you yell at your children a lot? You can ask for therapeutic help to learn better ways to communicate, ask your therapist for information to read, and cultivate a healthy relationship with your family. Remember: The principle is to detect what actions you can carry out and do them.
I hope this little exercise is useful to you in your clinical work. If you want to share your comments and experience when using this resource, you can write to me and I will be happy to answer you.