Do you think your behavior is toxic? Do you feel like you are harming the people around you? Don’t you know how to act or behave so as not to hurt others? To stop being a toxic person, detect your need and learn to satisfy it in a healthy and responsible way. Work on your self-esteem to leave narcissism and selfishness behind.
If you think that you are not acting empathetically with your environment and you are worried about being a toxic person, in this Psychology-Online article we explain how to stop being a toxic person and how to detect negative behaviors towards others and towards yourself in order to improve your personal relationships.
Why am I such a toxic person?
If you consider that you are a toxic person, either because those close to you have expressed it to you or because you feel that something is not going well in your relationships, it is important that you are clear about the concepts on which the toxic personality is based, so that you can see if you feel identified.
If we look anywhere for the definition of we find a consensual explanation similar to this: “Selfish and/or narcissistic person who affects the people around him.” If we take this as the basis of the toxic personality, there are two important characteristics to take into account: selfishness and narcissism.
When we consider these two terms, it is very unlikely that we will have the ability to recognize them, since in contrast humility is needed to recognize the qualities that we consider less favorable in ourselves.
Selfishness
When we think of the term selfishness we automatically qualify it as negative, leading to thoughts of despotic attitudes, arrogance, etc. but the definition of selfishness has more dimensions than we know. There are three types of selfishness with the same primary function of satisfying our needs. The difference between each of them lies in how this need is expressed to the world:
- altruistic selfishness: It has its essence when we are not moved by the need to constantly satisfy our needs, allowing us to enjoy bonds with other people based on love.
- Conscious selfishness: It refers to the relationship that we build with ourselves, from self-love and self-satisfaction of our needs, as a basis for the fact that happiness is found in ourselves and not in external factors, be they people or objects.
- Egocentric selfishness: it is generated by this low connection with ourselves, the insecurity produced by a feeling of constant need for approval from external people, social position, job positions, etc. This leads to an attitude of constant neediness when we bond with other people. For example: I need to be told that I look good when I dress up because I am not able to feel confident in my image.
In this example, we see the role that others play in supporting our self-esteem. We invite you to take some time to reflect on what your relationships are like with the people around you, what they contribute to you and if there are demands on your part. With this simple observation you will be able to detect if your relationships are healthy or if there is a toxic attitude on your part.
Narcissism
On the other hand we have the narcissistic factor, this characteristic of behavior is based on a exaggerated belief in the importance of oneself, along with the constant need for admiration and attention from others, focusing on the belief of self. This implies low empathy on the part of the person with narcissistic traits.
Empathy allows us to detect other people’s emotions and create bonds with the people around us, this means that people with narcissistic traits do not usually think about the implications of their actions, nor how they may affect others since their level of empathy is very low or none. For example, you want to go out with your partner to eat and you feel like sushi, even though your partner doesn’t like it. However, you are indifferent and if you are not going to eat sushi you decide to get angry.
If you detect any similarity between your usual behavior and the characteristics discussed above, it is important that you recognize your courage because this means that you want to improve and change what is not optimal for you in your close relationships.
Recognize the problem
The first step to stop being a toxic person is to recognize the problem. This involves having the ability to objectively observe your interactions and relationships with others and be aware that certain patterns can be harmful. That is, this point implies self-awareness, the ability to observe your own actions and emotions impartiallywithout denying or minimizing your toxic behaviors.
In other words, be honest with yourself about how you behave and how that may affect others, as well as identify negative patterns, such as constant criticism, manipulation or lack of empathy, that may be affecting your relationships in ways negative.
In this sense, it is possible that on occasion people close to you can point out toxic behaviors that you may not have noticed. Be willing to listen and consider their observations It is important. Recognizing that you may be engaging in toxic behavior is not easy, but it is the essential first step toward positive change in your relationships and emotional well-being.
Do self-criticism
It must be taken into account that people do not acquire toxic behaviors, in general, by their own will or from consciousness, rather it is a intrinsic need derived from emotional voids or low emotional awareness. For this reason, the attitude of wanting to improve is a great factor in this vital change, which will allow you to motivate yourself to grow emotionally and learn in a new area of your life.
This learning can begin with a simple exercise: stop and do a self-criticism to detect when your behavior is excessive and how far you are able to go to achieve personal satisfaction. It is likely that at first it will be difficult for you to recognize narcissistic or selfish traits, since your mental discourse is formed from this attitude.
If we take into account that we construct ourselves through mental discourse, it is easy to begin to recognize ourselves through this, that is, if we listen to ourselves as we tell ourselves something, simply observing it, without judging or wanting to be rightonly by listening to ourselves as if we were spectators of ourselves, can we begin to discover ourselves and make the necessary changes.
How to practice self-criticism
For example, Think about a situation in which you were selfish., that you wanted to be right or that you put your desires before others. Start a mental speech explaining to yourself what happened on that occasion. Let the mental discourse flow, but observe and analyze it:
- How do you justify yourself?
- Who do you put the responsibility on?
- What position do you acquire in this explanation?
When you have finished the speech, ask yourself these three questions, if the answers are directed towards a “coherent” explanation of why you acted that way, that it was your right or your duty, that the responsibility lies with the other and that “it is not my fault.” ”, it is likely that there is low responsibility for yourself and your behavior. If it is difficult for you to do this exercise alone, find someone you trust to help you, ask them to simply listen to your speech without giving their opinion.
Reflect and question your actions
After you have tried the previous exercise, you can do it again, this time reflecting on your actions. It’s okay to feel insecure or vulnerable, learning to feel vulnerable allows us to contact other emotional dimensions that help us grow.
We are surrounded by stimuli and beliefs that repeat to us that feeling weak or bad is something negative. In the study of the emotional dimension of the human being, this belief is completely erroneous and counterproductive, since emotional pain and sadness has specific functions in emotional growth.
In the same way that when we break an arm we feel pain and it alerts us that something is not right, helping us to become aware of the immobilization and the need for rest of the affected limb for its effective recovery, emotional pain acts in the same way. .
Give yourself space
When we feel weak, vulnerable or sad it is an indication that something is not going well, that is why it is healthy to give ourselves the necessary space to take care of ourselves and take care of ourselves emotionally. As we explained before, narcissistic and/or egocentric traits have a fragile self-esteem that is sustained by external stimuli, possibly when you begin to review these more internal aspects you may feel unpleasant or uncomfortable sensations that you do not know how to handle.
It is positive that in the improvement process you have real support that can transmit confidence, well-being and emotional security.
Practice empathy
The first thing to keep in mind to avoid being a toxic person in a relationship, whether romantic or friendship, is your behavior, detecting how you affect others and how you can improve that attitude. Attitudes can be modified little by little, with patience and being very aware of them so as not to repeat them.
Learn to assess the other person’s emotions, try to understand and respect attitudes different from yours and you will experience greater satisfaction with your relationships. Keeping in mind that relationships with others are not to satisfy our needs, but to share who we are will help you have a good foundation in your relationships.
Something very interesting about the relationships we build is that they tend to be a reflection of who we are, that is, We achieve healthy and satisfying relationships when we manage to have a good relationship with ourselves. Therefore, in order to learn to value emotions and respect the attitudes of others, we first have to understand our own emotions and attitudes in all their facets.
Communicate to your environment the change you want to make
If you really believe that your behavior has been toxic in the past and you want to improve, it is very coherent and healthy that informs your environment and relationships that you consider important for the change you want to make. If the environment supports you and sees it as positive, it is a good basis for growth.
On the contrary, if there is reluctance, it is positive that you understand that when we make a change, whatever it may be, the environment to which we belong begins to change peripherally and this is not always something that everyone wants to experience. Respecting the fears of others and their own process will allow you to focus on yours without judging others.
Detect the root of that behavior
Afterwards it is healthy to try detect what your need is, what is the root of that behavior and what you look for in others. Knowing this will help you be able to satisfy it in a healthier way and from you.
These processes are never quick or easy, but the moment we are able to detect them we have the ability to modify them and grow emotionally. Remember that emotional processes are complicated and learn to ask for help It is a sign of commitment and.
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