Anger is a normal emotion that is adaptive in that it warns us that our integrity is being attacked, our rights are being violated, or our needs are not being met. However, if we do not know how to control our anger, different areas of our lives can be affected. Personal relationships decline or break, work relationships may be affected and our employment may be compromised. Furthermore, anger attacks tend to worsen the situations in which they occur, encourage aggression and can affect our physical and mental health. That’s why at Psychology-Online we want you to know Why do you suffer from anger attacks and how to control them.
Why do I suffer attacks of anger?
As we have mentioned, anger appears when something frustrates us, hurts us or seems unfair. In these types of situations, the adaptive thing is to feel angry, hurt, frustrated or disappointed, but sometimes we feel rage, anger or fury. These reactions are fundamentally due to a series of erroneous or irrational beliefs about ourselves, others and the world in general, which we have adopted as true. For example:
- <I must do things well and earn the approval of others. Otherwise, I’m bad.> This belief often leads to anxiety, depression, shame and guilt.
- <Others should treat me well. They must be kind and fair to me. They should treat me the way I want. Otherwise, they are bad and deserve punishment.> This belief leads to anger, passive aggression and violence.
- <The world should give me what I want and not what I don’t want. Otherwise, it’s terrible and I can’t stand it.>This belief leads to self-pity and procrastination.
How to control anger and rage
Why can’t I control my anger? There are many myths and misinformation about emotional management. You may be using strategies that maintain or stop anger attacks. Below we will see useful and not useful strategies to control anger, aggressiveness and rage.
Counterproductive strategies
We are going to analyze five ways to manage anger that, although they can help us at a specific moment, do not obtain the best results in the long term.
- release anger. There is a belief that letting out our anger diminishes it and prevents it from building up and exploding when we least expect it. This method allows us feel relieved for a short period, but studies have shown that it does not actually reduce our anger, but rather increases it and promotes the appearance of violence. It is harmful to health because we activate ourselves excessively. Furthermore, by acting possessed by our anger we can do or say things that we later regret, causing feelings of guilt and shame.
- Time out. Another belief about effective anger control invites us to disappear from the place or situation that has provoked our anger in order to calm down. This is practical for reduce our activation Physiologically, however, it is not a long-term solution since avoiding anger does not eliminate it, the situation can repeat itself and cause us anger again, it can affect our relationships and prevents us from learning to manage anger attacks.
- Using anger to get what we want. Due to fear of our attacks, others may agree to our requests whether reasonable or not. We may like to get what we want but this attitude will end up alienating anyone from our side.
- Resolve childhood traumas. Some therapists claim that by reliving past traumas we can eliminate present anger, however, it is much more effective to work on what causes our anger now and correct it than to analyze what caused our anger in the past.
- Change the events that cause our anger. This can be useful on rare occasions since we normally cannot change the circumstances or the people who make us angry or angry. What we can do is change our thoughts and the way events affect us. In reality the choice is ours and does not depend on the behavior of others or external events.
The method to control anger effectively
To learn to control our anger effectively and in the long term, we will work on our thoughtsgiven that are the cause of disproportionate reactions and it is in our hands to change them for other rational and adaptive ones.
It provides excellent results. This technique proposes that an event (A) activates our thoughts or beliefs (B) that cause our emotions or behaviors (C). That is, it is not the event (A) that causes the emotions and behaviors (C), but rather our thoughts or beliefs (B) are the cause. And these thoughts and beliefs (b) can be modified. To do this, we will follow these steps:
- Identify irrational thoughts
- Question them
- Change them for more adaptive ones
The most common thoughts associated with the irrational beliefs that generate our anger are:
- Describe a situation as terrible. For example: “It’s terrible that this happened to me.”
- Thinking that someone or something should be different from how it is. For example: “I shouldn’t have done that”, “I shouldn’t act that way”.
- Thinking that what happened is unbearable or intolerable. For example: “it is intolerable that they treat me like this”, “I can’t stand that situation”.
- Generalize and label to someone for a specific fact. For example: “She has acted badly, so she is a bad person and should be punished.”
Once we identify irrational thoughts or beliefs, we must analyze if they are so true as we believe. Then we will replace them with other thoughts more real and beneficial. Let’s look at examples:
- “It’s terrible that this happened to me” – Is it really that terrible? Is this the worst that could have happened? Not really, so we replace it with another thought like: “I don’t like what happened.”
- “I shouldn’t act that way” – Where is it written how someone should act? Isn’t it possible that he was wrong? Don’t you have the right to make a mistake? Do I really think it’s possible to make people act the way I would like them to act? Adaptive thinking: He has made a mistake in the way he acted, he may have reasons that made him act that way or his intention may have been good.
Little by little and with practice we will be able to modify these thoughts and we will have the necessary ability to calm down and react to an imminent attack of anger. We will finally know how to manage our anger.
Other strategies to manage anger
Other useful tips for managing moments of anger and rage are:
- Practice to reduce our activation.
- Use humor to downplay to the situation that generates anger in us.
- Practice changing thoughts and relaxing by exposing ourselves to situations that provoke anger.
- Accept ourselves It will give us security and will also help us not be so affected by events that we do not like.
How to control anger in boys and girls
We have already seen that anger is an emotion that arises when we feel attacked, frustrated, or when our needs are not met. In the case of children it was not going to be less. They also get angry and frustrated and in fact to a greater extent than adults since they are not yet able to understand certain behaviors, situations or rules.
What causes anger attacks in children
Children’s lack of knowledge, empathy and understanding makes them more vulnerable to attacks of anger. They have not reached a sufficient level of development to understand that things don’t always go the way you would like and you get frustrated easily.
If it’s time to go to bed and they want to continue playing, they get angry. If what they want to eat is sausages and not lentils, they get angry. If they want, we tell them that they should pick up the toys instead of watching cartoons, they get angry, frustrated, and so on with many things.
Little by little and respecting their development, they learn and, although they still don’t like that type of thing, their frustration and anger are reduced. But in the meantime we can teach them to reduce their discomfort.
What an anger attack is like in children
Lack of skills to handle frustrating situations causes girls and boys to express anger yelling, throwing objects, hitting to those around them, throwing themselves to the ground and kicking, insulting or breaking what they find nearby. They are the famous tantrums or tantrums and they are unpleasant for them and for their caregivers. Not to mention the bad time we have when they happen on the street.
How to teach boys and girls to control their anger
Three steps to address tantrums:
- The first thing we should do when faced with an attack of anger from a minor is keep calm. It is perhaps the most difficult test because it is really easy to lose patience in the face of a tantrum, but if we get angry or aggressive we will make the tantrum worse. Let us remember that anger increases anger and favors aggression. In the following article you will find.
- When the minor has calmed down, and the time will come when this happens even if it seems impossible given the air traffic of objects, We will try to talk to him or her. We can ask her what caused her anger. It’s interesting name emotions that he explains to us so that we learn to identify them. AND We will ask you how you felt during his anger and after calming down. Always with words appropriate to their age, that they can easily understand.
- Teach him an alternative way to respond when a similar situation occurs. To do this, it is necessary to identify what caused his anger and teach him alternative solutions. Identify what was wrong and what you can change. Explain that other answers will make him feel better. Always reinforce him when he responds with acceptable behaviors.
6 techniques to control anger in boys and girls
The recommended psychological strategies to work on emotions with children are the following:
- Work on empathy. Teaching him to put himself in someone else’s shoes will make him begin to understand certain situations. When they are very young, this training requires consistency and a lot of practice. We can help ourselves with drawings, stories and dolls. For example, using puppets to tell a story in which we will emphasize how the protagonists feel.
- Channel your anger. Drawing, coloring and writing, when their age allows, will help them channel their anger into those activities instead of lashing out at everything around them. They can use drawing as a technique to relax or to express how they feel. Writing about problems gives them a different focus and diminishes their importance.
- Relaxation training. Learning to relax will last a lifetime and can start from a young age. We will use techniques adapted to their age, that they understand and can repeat to practice. We can do it with them to facilitate their learning. Try these.
- Release tensions. The most energetic, those who we consider non-stop, benefit from the practice of physical activities….