All my life, or at least since my memories as a child, people distance themselves from me. In my school years from primary school to university I never had a friend I could trust. I must say that in my home, my father was a first-class misogynist, he always said that I was not even going to finish high school and he was always against something that I liked; The only thing he praised was that I liked to read and sometimes because he wanted to, he wouldn’t speak to me for months and when he did it was to make me feel bad; My mother was very dependent on him and she never said anything, except that she mentioned that “it’s my fault that she wasn’t affectionate with me and she didn’t expect anything from me.” She told me when he was 15 or 17 years old and it still hurts me a lot despite the years (I’m 37 years old). My maternal grandmother was the one who raised me and although she was a person with a strong character, I did feel her affection and love, I consider her my mother and never as a grandmother.
In primary school I spent my time alone at recess, I didn’t do so badly with the teachers and many times I think that by following the rules and being the “good and polite” girl I was hurt in front of others. The other children rejected me and well, I can only say that I only spent those breaks alone or locked in the bathroom. The story in high school did not change, it was a school for nuns and we were only girls, I had the worst time, the most disastrous stage of my life. They all despised me, told me how ugly I was and the breaks were the same: alone, in the library. They couldn’t stay silent when they said they couldn’t stand me. High school was something different but the same without friends and university, even the teachers themselves told me that others criticized me. At work, I didn’t get along either despite trying hard to talk.
I’ve never been rude to anyone, I just don’t know what to talk about and if I talk it seems like I’m saying stupid things. At work I heard that I am a very difficult person and that is why they don’t live with me. It makes me feel bad, it makes me sad and angry with myself. I went to the specialist, with psychologists and they detected Asperger’s, even so and despite my efforts, I never manage to establish relationships with people in the form of friendship, I feel that when I am in a group it is forced and I feel very uncomfortable. I have no talent for anything, I have tried to learn to paint, draw, languages…nothing works for me, I feel like I sabotage myself and it’s frustrating.
I can’t say that I am totally alone, sometimes I think that I don’t know how I was able to get married (I met someone through the Internet, who lived on the other side of the world, he came to my country and we have been married for more than seven years) I have a beautiful five year old daughter. My husband is in some ways similar to me, but he is more social, he still maintains his circle of friends in Spain. I tell him what I feel but he tells me to trust him and care about what he feels. I have the love of him and my daughter but I still feel alone. I always dreamed of going on a trip with friends, going dancing, going to a cafe, but I just watch my life go by and although I greatly enjoy being with my husband and my daughter, I feel a huge emptiness: Knowing that wherever I go it will always be the same , feeling undervalued, highly criticized for being “difficult.”
Elena
01/28/2021
Dear friend, I know how you feel, I went through that, I overcame it, although I don’t speak much, but recently they have reopened my wounds at work, because they have tried hard to take away my self-esteem, my self-esteem and my personality. , and unfortunately they have achieved it in u 70/ not in 100 because from experience I know that they are not right, I know what you say when you feel “stupid” when talking to others, that is not you, it is a wound that you have What do you have to know before you can be you, and you are someone much more sensitive than all of them. Do you know the first thing you have to do? Increase your self-love, how? Find a hobby, or something that you want to study, learn or practice and realize that you are better than you think. Look, if you don’t have friends, mine have turned their backs on me when I’ve had problems, not all of them though, but I don’t have contact with those who I could due to my state of mind, I don’t feel like seeing anyone, really, but I do. I would like to be able to help you because I understand you, and I also have with me my family, husband, children, who are the most valuable thing, never forget that. A kiss from your friend, if I could write to you I would be delighted, but I don’t like putting my email on web pages, give me yours if you want, your friend who knows who you are and you are worth more than you think