Absent grandparents, intrusive grandparents, negative grandparents, demanding grandparents, critical grandparents; Grandparents can sometimes present real challenges, but the truth is that their relationship with their grandchildren is vitally important. That is why Dr. Heller provides interesting suggestions to deal with problematic situations that may arise in the parent-grandparent relationship:
Aside from all the jokes about mothers-in-law, the moments spent with grandparents are often the most beautiful memories of childhood. It is a significant loss for those unfortunate children who have to grow up away from their grandparents and be limited to occasional contacts. Plus, in today’s hectic family schedules, having grandparents as a resource can be very helpful. However, unfortunately it is very common to see couples fight, partly because of an intrusive grandparent.
One of the first steps in creating a strong marriage requires that the couple form a stronger bond with each other than that between a spouse and their parents.
The challenge can range from a spouse who is very close to a parent to one who is not close but has a complex relationship with a problematic parent.
intrusive grandparents
A couple recently described a grandmother contradicting her advice to her son while the child stood there feeling confused. It is not surprising that this has happened on several occasions. She is the maternal grandmother, so her wife feels responsible for her, but when she says something to her mother, she gives her the typical response of “you hurt me” and she ends up feeling very guilty. Furthermore, she hates putting her mother in her place in front of her grandson. But if she does nothing, her husband’s anger comes into play and that often results in conflicts with her husband. The wife feels trapped.
Usually she responded by simply telling her mother that what she had just done was wrong. This ended with a grandmother feeling disrespected, hurt and unloved. An alternative is to focus on two other points. “Mom, I may be wrong but you know me, sometimes you can only learn the hard way. “I’m afraid you’re going to have to let me make my own mistakes.” This emphasizes the broader concept that there are few clear, right ways to parent and each family has to discover, through trial and error, what works best for them. This enables the parents to persist in their advice to the child without telling the grandmother that she is wrong.
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In another conversation, point out that being a grandparent is a very special role that you want your parent to fulfill in your child’s life. Grandparents can and should “spoil” their grandchildren. They are buddies, who spend many special and fun times together.
In fact, many times grandparents who are not especially warm and loving with their own children may be especially warm and loving with their grandchildren (yes, that often causes a bit of pain in the parent, who wishes they had received that kind of love? as a child). Parents have to juggle between being authoritative and being friends but grandparents can just focus on being friends and soak up the joy of their grandchildren without the stress.
Focusing on these key points often allows parents to help reduce grandparent intrusion without hurt or guilt.
Grandparents who criticize their children’s methods
Another source of tension is when the maternal grandmother criticizes her daughter’s parenting methods in private conversations. This is especially a problem when the child exhibits some challenging behavior (e.g., hyperactivity) or acts in ways that “would never have been allowed when you were a child!” Usually this occurs as part of a long story of a daughter feeling that anything she did was never good enough to earn the praise (love?) of her mother. Note that, while it is much more common for it to be a mother-daughter issue, it can also be a father-daughter conflict. It’s rarely a parent-child problem, at least in terms of direct interference. The latter is more likely to be a matter of sons disconnected from their fathers.
Being a confident parent in the face of your parent’s criticism is a challenge. It helps when you have the support of your spouse and/or friends. But when the roots of this negativity run deep, it can be difficult not to fall victim to “believing” that the criticisms made by the parent are valid. Here it is often helpful to seek out a therapist who will allow you to internally challenge negative perceptions of yourself and develop confidence in your abilities as a mother or father.
Grandparents with little interest in their grandchildren
On the other end of the spectrum are grandparents who don’t seem very interested in being grandparents. They are rarely willing to take care of the children and do not visit very often. Children often notice this and may even begin to make some negative comments about their grandparents. Although this is very frustrating, the reality is that there is not much one can do. I usually encourage parents to facilitate those few times when they practically insist on having some contact but mostly you have to accept this limited role. The key here is that the spouse does not cause “friction” and does not allow it to become a delicate issue in the marriage.
Not allowing grandparent issues to negatively impact the marriage is the most important aspect of all those discussed here.
Leave the children with the grandparents to have moments of privacy
Another common problem is the desire to have some private time when visiting grandparents. One of the benefits of visiting is the opportunity to leave the kids with their grandparents and go somewhere alone as a couple. Many grandparents love the opportunity to have the children alone, but some object.
I usually recommend that you tell the grandparents when the visit is being planned that you and your spouse intend to leave for a few hours (for a short visit) or overnight (for a longer visit). This needs to be handled by the parent who is biologically connected. The key is to present it firmly and decisively and not be dragged into feeling guilty if the grandparents make any negative comments about it.
These moments of privacy are so important to building a strong marriage that they should be worth a few complaints from grandparents.
Negative grandparents
Some spouses complain about interacting with a parent who is always negative. Phone conversations or visits are filled with complaints about your health, lack of attention from you, problems in the neighborhood, negative stories about “your father,” and insistence that you don’t sound very happy and/or healthy. This makes contact unpleasant for you, even if your time with the children is going well (until the grandparent talks to you and expresses concern about the children).
One of my favorite suggestions when this happens is to agree with the parent! The typical scenario is trying to convince the parent that everything is fine. It does not work. It only makes the parent feel like you are not listening and convinces them that you are just trying to hide the bad news. Instead, be okay with negative worries and work through them.
Yes, I feel tired and down. Yes, I’m worried about getting fired at work. Yes, children should be working more in school. The idea is to be as negative as your father or mother is. That’s not what they want to hear and the typical reaction is to shorten the conversation and even start being less negative in future conversations. Try it, it works.
summarizing
The key points to deal with problematic situations with grandparents:
1) The situation should not be allowed to drive a wedge between spouses.
2) The biological spouse needs to take the reins in directly addressing the problem.
3) Try to lighten the problem and handle it in a more relaxed way and even with humor.
The goal is to try to make it possible for your children to spend some quality time with their grandparents. His problems with his parents need to be moved out of the way.
You can read the original article in English.
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