When one of the members of the couple in the individual session accuses the other of infidelity, there are several important points:
We don’t assume it’s true. We will only consider something true about the other person if that person confesses it to us. We cannot fall into a war of accusations, no matter how true it may be in the end. We are not detectives.
These accusations have happened before. If Juan accuses Laura of infidelity in front of us, it is polarization on Juan’s part, and must be addressed in the joint session.
You are encouraged to discuss these accusations in the joint session, since it is a problem, and as such it is something that both must face together.
Generally, it happens that in the joint session this is addressed, accusations are made, defenses are made, and the problem of trust between both is clear; It intervenes with unified separation or with empathic union.
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An example could be the following:
Individual session
Laura: He is unfaithful to me, I know it for sure, look (shows the phone with screenshots of texts and conversations).
Therapist: (trying not to look at the phone and focusing on her) You don’t need to show me the phone, Laura, to see that this is a big problem between you, and that you want to do something.
Laura: I just know it! I don’t know why he doesn’t tell me! Why does he deny it over and over again?
Therapist: I think this is a topic to discuss between both of us, in the next session, do you think? This way we can put it as a priority, so that you can address it in front of me and thus lead to different conclusions. If you agree, I will take note of this matter, to bring it up in the joint session, and now we can continue with the assessment, I want to continue knowing your story, do you agree?
Laura: Yes, yes… but it’s not fair… he’s a liar…
Therapist: I know it’s difficult… right now he’s not here, and there are the two of us, I would like to ask you for help with the work we have to do for now… I know it’s hard, Laura… can you help me continue?
Laura: Yes, sorry…
Therapist: Don’t worry, it’s normal for it to be difficult… thank you… tell me, how did you know that your parents loved each other?
Joint session
Therapist: In the assessment sessions, I have been able to see that a problem that separates you a lot has to do with trust, how do you see it?
Laura: We don’t have a trust problem, José, what happens is that he cheats on me, and he doesn’t want to admit it to me.
Therapist: (silence).
Juan: That’s not like that… I’m not deceiving you…
Laura: And that? (taking out the cell phone and almost putting it in his face) What is it? Hey?
Juan: (she doesn’t look at him, she looks away and shakes her head) That’s nothing… she’s my friend and now… I find it incredible that you’re spying on me and violating my privacy…
Therapist: (silence).
Laura: No! What seems incredible to me is that you deceive me.
Juan: I am not deceiving you, and you must stop accusing me and spying on me.
Therapist: Does this happen often?
Laura: That’s right José, I’m tired of being with a man I can’t trust because he doesn’t tell me the truth.
Juan: No, I’m the one who’s tired of your accusations and your mistrust.
Therapist: It seems that this is really unsustainable… you both make harsh accusations, which have to do with the basis of the relationship; You are both trying to deal with this, you are not blind: you know there is a problem; Laura, you accuse him, and Juan, you rebuke him for accusing you. And here you are, stuck at this point, which is getting worse and worse, is it like that for you?
Laura: Well yes, it’s totally like that… I’m already tired of this.
Juan: Yes, definitely.
Therapist: I would like to ask you to try something different, you know, this is what we are here for. Each one will have their space, here and now, to express how they feel about this accusation-defense situation. When it comes to expressing yourself, I am going to ask you to do it differently than you have done before, perhaps it can help you to start by saying “I feel…”; Laura, would you like to start?
Laura: Okay… give me some time… (…) I… I feel hurt… I feel cheated… I feel… an idiot (starts to cry) I feel like I’m not enough for him, and I even feel like it’s my fault that he’s cheating on me …and I feel like it’s not fair! (silence).
Therapist: I understand… Juan, how have you felt seeing that Laura feels this way?
Juan: Well… I didn’t know that meant that for her… every time we’ve talked I’ve seen her angry and angry… I thought she had a thing for my friend… but I didn’t know she felt that bad… I felt really bad seeing her like that, It’s been hard… I don’t want you to feel like this…
Therapist: I see… hey Juan, how do you feel about this whole situation?
Juan: Well… I feel very tired, I feel that they are controlling me, and I don’t like that… I don’t like having to give explanations for what I do… I feel like someone who is accused of a crime that they have not committed… I am punished, I’m accused… and I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do, that’s the only thing that matters… you know? These days I have been preparing a surprise trip for our anniversary, I’m sorry to ruin it for you, but you don’t know the hell it is to care for a person and love them, when that person systematically distrusts you…
Therapist: Thank you for sharing your experience Juan… what is it like for you, Laura, to see Juan express that?
Laura: I had no idea about that surprise… I know it’s not easy for him, but the thing is… I don’t trust him… it’s very hard for me to trust that he’s telling me the truth, how can you explain why he talks to his friend like that? She told him they had a great time together and alone! And he wanted to hug her again!
Juan: She is my friend, Laura… and yes, sometimes we hug, and I like to spend time with her; She has been my friend for a long time, she is a very important person for me, and when I have a bad time in any case, we count on each other… what’s the problem with that?
Laura: Why don’t you count on me? I am your partner…
Juan: Because… every time I seek your support, you accuse me, Laura… you don’t realize… but you accuse me, you rebuke me… and in the end… it is difficult for me to seek your support…
Therapist: It seems that we are seeing something important: Juan, you want Laura’s support and her intimacy, just like she does; It seems that you both want the same thing… right now you have communicated it to each other, you have stopped accusing each other to express what you want… have you spoken like that before?
Laura: Well… no… the truth is, we almost always scream and argue…
Juan: No, not at all… that’s what she says, I think we haven’t stopped to say what we want…
There are no magic recipes to address difficult situations in consultation, you already know! Even so, with strategies of empathic union and unified separation We can try to do the best we can to help couples form a team even with their differences.
Article published in , an online platform for training in comprehensive couples therapy.