When people fall in love, they experience strong feelings of love, the desire to spend a lot of time together, and butterflies in their stomach. However, when these emotions begin to fade, doubts about the partner can enter the picture. It is possible that the former security of the future together may no longer seem so clear. Then, they start to worry if they are really a good match for each other. Do people lose interest in each other, the same way they become bored with everything else: out-of-style clothes, favorite movies? Does not knowing how I feel about my partner mean that there is no more love?
In this Psychology-Online article we explain why you have doubts about your relationship and to do when I don’t know how I feel about my partner.
What happens if I don’t know how I feel about my partner?
Not knowing how we feel about our partner is more common than we can imagine. At first we are full of affection for each other, but over time, the relationship seems to become less exciting. That’s when We start to doubt our feelings, We pay less attention to our partner, we look at our cell phone while they talk and we stop asking them how their day went.
The doubts become increasingly more complicated and take up more space in your mind and you begin to wonder if the reason you are not sure of what you feel is that you are not really right for each other. Although this can be a challenging problem in the relationship, does it really mean that love is over?
How to avoid doubts due to disconnection in a couple
Relationships are built through moments of connection. Therefore, if the relationship is healthy and both parties continue to believe in each other, they will connect in deeper and more diverse ways. Then moments may come again in which they feel disconnected again, until they are reunited with their partner. Connecting and disconnecting in a couple is a process as cyclical as the tides..
The problem usually arises when the first sign of disenchantment is interpreted as an unmistakable sign that love is over. If we are aware that moments of disconnection inevitably occur In any relationship, we wouldn’t feel so surprised when they happen.
However, this does not mean that we should ignore and overlook doubts in a relationship. Do you want to know what to do when I don’t know how I feel about my partner? We explain it in more detail below.
Accept that it is normal to have doubts
First of all, it is important to note that relationships are complicated and can be difficult to understand sometimes. Having doubts is a natural way to process and understand what is happening in a relationship. Doubts can creep in, and not being sure how you feel doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a bad thing.
People are social beings by nature, we are powerfully attracted to love, we long to feel connected and we want to protect our emotional ties. It is natural for doubts to appear when we do not feel connected to our partner, and even when we do feel connected, anticipating a moment when we may not be.
What doubts mean in a relationship
Having doubts about the relationship means that to some extent you care enough to think about it. People care about the things that matter to us, and relationships play a fundamental role in our lives.
We care deeply about securing love and keeping it safe. We feel doubts when love may be in danger or disappear. We want our relationships to work and we are also worried about not having them. For these reasons, it is difficult to never doubt and have absolute certainty when it comes to love.
Identify warning signs
As we mentioned in the previous point, at times it is normal to have doubts and not know what you feel for your partner. At this time, a good option is wondering if the relationship is workingif the person is the right one for you, if you both envision the same future.
However, how do we differentiate between normal doubts in the relationship and alarm signals that warn us that things are going wrong? Well, healthy doubts tend to be assumptions about the relationship itself. On the other hand, the doubts that become alarm signals in a relationship are linked to the partner’s behavior and are often actions reprehensible by the majority of people.
Below we leave you some examples to identify warning signs:
- You never know where your partner is at night.
- You’re not sure if your partner is dating other people.
- Your partner makes you doubt your abilities and makes negative comments about you.
- When you ask your partner for space, they don’t respect it and show up anyway.
These types of doubts are warning signs and are generally signs of deception, betrayal, control, disrespect, and exceeding personal and relationship boundaries. In this article you will find.
Separate personal doubts from doubts about the couple
Doubts may be due to personal insecurities that you could be transferring to your partner, or they may reflect tensions in the relationship. Determining why you are not sure of how you feel about your partner is very useful to know which path to take.
Likewise, it’s important to keep in mind that doubts from other areas of life can seep into your relationship. In this state of confusion, doubts spread from other areas of your life. If this happens to you, take a moment to recognize and identify the source of doubts about your feelings. If you are distressed at work, with your family, etc. You may also be projecting this discomfort to your partner and your relationship will be damaged.
On the other hand, the expectations we assume of others can be insidious and often difficult to differentiate from our own values. Carefully separate your concerns from those of others. Observe if external pressures (family, friend, religious, social pressure…) are making you doubt whether your partner is ideal for you. The pressure that others put on us can create doubts about the relationship and the right person.
Adjust your expectations about love
We have a strong cultural misconception that love is something that happens to you, and when you are lucky enough to find it, you will live “happily ever after.” So, your partner’s job is to “make” you feel alive, loved and happy. While we can choose a partner to share love and joy, only you are responsible for your happiness, vitality and joy.
Remember that love is not a permanent state of enthusiasm, but rather It is built through daily decisions and conscious of creating a stable and lasting bond with another person, which adds value to our life.
Balance your doubts
It is possible that when you don’t know how you feel about your partner, you focus on the negative aspects, their flaws, or the things that aren’t working in the relationship. In these cases, try balance your doubts using the same approach with what is working. Many people tend to focus on the negative, meaning they don’t notice the positive aspects of their relationship and their partner’s strengths unless they choose to do so and make a conscious effort.
In this case, it can be very useful review five things that are going well in your relationship. Write a list in which you can add positive aspects and review in more difficult moments. Try to reflect all the ways the relationship works and what benefits your partner brings to your life.
Likewise, if you have a lot of difficulty thinking about things, even the smallest details of the relationship, the article may be useful to you.
Ask yourself questions to clarify your feelings
Finally, we leave you some important questions that you should ask yourself to clarify your feelings about your partner:
Am I attracted to my partner?
After the honeymoon phase, it is natural for the couple to perceive each other in a different light. However, if you’re not sure if you’re attracted to your partner, it’s something that needs to be addressed.
Doubts about your physical compatibility cannot necessarily be dismissed as small issues. Yeah you don’t want to be close to your partner and you are not interested in approaching her, it may be an indication that you are not really in love with your partner.
Are my partner and I compatible?
Being compatible does not mean being identical, but rather that the couple understands the other person’s points of view and perceptions, accepts and respects each other. In these cases, the relationship feels like a refuge, like a home and is characterized by tranquility and happiness.
On the contrary, if a relationship is characterized by regular conflicts, fights or confrontationsprobably indicates that there is no compatibility.
Do we have similar values?
in a couple It’s important to be on the same page. about the main values of the lifestyle. When talking about future plans and goals, do you and your partner find that your visions don’t coincide at all?
If you are a person who values work and long days in the office, giving your best and having high professional aspirations, it can be a challenge to build a life with someone who does not have these types of goals as a priority in their life.
Is there real effort and interest on both sides?
The willingness to build and put in the effort for the relationship is what really sets the right person apart. The ideal person is not one who is perfect and has no flaws, since that is something impossible to achieve. In reality, he or she is the person who is prepared to make the relationship work, as long as you are prepared to do the same.
On the other hand, if your partner and/or you you lack the will, the effort and the real interest to remain and grow the relationship, your feelings may not be as strong.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to What to do when I don’t know how I feel about my partnerwe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Gurman, AS, Lebow, JL, & Snyder, DK (Eds.). (2015). Clinical handbook of couple therapy. Guilford Publications.
- Yamaguchi, M., Smith, A., & Ohtsubo, Y. (2015). Commitment signals in friendship and romantic relationships. Evolution and Human Behavior, 36(6), 467-474.