Are you having a relationship where it seems like your partner isn’t fully involved? Do you feel like your relationship is stagnant? Why is the fear of commitment so widespread today? Why is it especially difficult for men to commit to their partner, even though they are in love? Is it possible to do something about this? In this Psychology-Online article: What to do when a man is afraid of commitmentwe try to shed some light on it.
Fear of commitment: men
The famous sociologist Zygmunt Bauman wrote that in modern life there is always a suspicion that one is living a lie or a mistake, that something crucially important has remained unproven and unexplored, that some opportunities for happiness have not been seized in time and are destined to be lost forever.
When we are children, we have the freedom to experiment and create, to know and discover. We can imagine that we are explorers, artists, kings, magicians, superheroes or villains. The possibilities are virtually endless. However, as we grow, to fit into adult life, a series of rules and limitations are imposed on us, which our peers see as acceptable, and which allow us to live together with a certain harmony, in turn providing us with information about how they will behave. Thus, we avoid chaos, in exchange for reducing, in a certain sense, our freedom. This process is known as socialization.
In this way, as we enter adulthood, we leave behind the possibility of experimenting with many childhood roles to go. For many, this process is experienced normally and does not have notable implications on their lives. Others, on the other hand, come to feel “confined,” either by their own choices or because they feel they have been assigned to a path that moves away from what they expected. When we commit to a partner, we commit to a story. However, there may be corners of curiosity left by the path we did not choose: What other stories could we have been a part of?
Bauman spoke of our nostalgia for lives not lived, identities unexplored, and paths not taken. The digital era in which we have immersed ourselves provides an unprecedented solution to this crossroads, especially in terms of relationships. With just a simple mobile application we have hundreds of profiles of women and men at our disposal to meet. With minimal effort, without leaving home, we can start multiple conversations with an endless number of possible candidates. Why commit to one person when the next person is available just around the corner?
Why men are afraid of commitment
One of the most common reasons men fear commitment is that They can see it as the end of their freedom. Through misconceptions about love and relationships, they assume that having a partner will corner them with responsibilities and they will never be able to live a carefree life again. At other times, commitment is equated with boredom, and the idea of getting more involved is unappealing. Many guys can be in a relationship to have fun and They do not consider exclusivity as something to take into account. A classic reason is bitter memories of past relationships and reprehensible behavior on the part of an ex-partner, so they may have fear of re-experiencing suffering caused after a painful breakup. Other common reasons are the absence of trust in the person or the relationship, lack of maturity and personal insecurities. If you want to know more, you will find more in the following article.
How to overcome the fear of commitment
If you have to choose between two options, you will probably choose the one that seems to have more advantages or qualities, or the one that seems “less bad.” But if you have 56 different varieties, it will take you much longer to choose the right one, and you will likely spend much more time examining the options, wondering even after you have decided whether it was the best or whether the other options could have been right. . The crux of the matter lies in the missed opportunities, in the fear of making the wrong decision and in the need for control. However, we cannot ignore that life is full of decisions: from the moment we throw away the first porridge until we apply to enter a university. From the color of the shirt we put on in the morning to the choice of vacation spot. And all of them, by their very nature, imply the loss of other options.
For , it is vital to accept that the desire for complete security is not something achievable for anyone, and that uncertainty is part of life. It is important not to torture yourself with discarded choices, focusing on the current moment and the advantages it has. Likewise, being honest and expressing what is happening is liberating, and helps foster understanding and empathy in our couple. Having awareness and motivation to change are catalysts for the process. However, there are many individual differences, and both personality, family relationships and past disappointments play a fundamental role in our beliefs about relationships and commitment. Sometimes, going to a psychologist helps us clarify our specific case, understand what is happening to us, and confront our fears in order to move forward.
What to do when a man is afraid of commitment
How to make him lose his fear of commitment? Below we list 10 tips:
- keep your life, your hobbies, your friendships, etc. Don’t stop making plans just because he’s available. It is important that you cultivate separate plots in your life in which you can find spaces to do what you like.
- Respect your space, their relationships and their activities outside the couple. In a healthy relationship, moments of separation are necessary so that you can reconnect with renewed energy.
- Try to get him to open up to you, let the relationship be a safe place where you can express your fears, doubts and insecurities. Try to have deeper and more open conversations, free of judgment and criticism, where you can verbalize what you feel and think without fear of being judged or rejected.
- Don’t play emotional blackmail. The only way to forge a real bond is to start by being real ourselves. Games and manipulation only get games and manipulation. True intimacy is nourished by honesty.
- Don’t let him pay for everything. It’s okay for him to invite you sometimes, appreciate the gesture, but don’t expect him to always do it and offer to pay too. Show him that what matters to you is his person and his company, not his checking account. Money is a symbol of power, and the forces of both parts of the couple must be balanced.
- Don’t become the detective of their social networks. Whether out of jealousy, to examine possible threats or a need for control, monitoring your partner online is never a good idea: it puts you in a position of insecurity and puts your partner’s trust in check.
- Don’t compare him to your ex. We all know the saying “comparisons are hateful.” And they are for a reason. It’s not about hiding your past and acting as if he were the first man in your life. Rather, it is about giving it the weight it deserves, and that your partner perceives that you place it in the past.
- Be clear with what you want. Many people are afraid that if they are too honest, they will “drive away” their partners. Thus, this strategy can be terrifying if you do not want to expose yourself, especially if you find yourself in a kind of “limbo”, through which everything seems to indicate that it is a relationship, but it has not yet been defined as such. But, if you muster the courage to face that uncomfortable conversation, you will know where the other person is: if they want to continue seeing you in a more informal way, if they want to formalize your relationship or if, on the contrary, you are in completely different emotional places.
- Set a period of time when you are willing to walk away. If your partner has no intention of moving forward with you, he or she will be happily relaxing in the “honeymoon phase” forever. Set the period of time you are willing to wait.
- Finally, turn the page if it doesn’t give you the place you deserve. It is time to walk away when you are in a relationship where you feel emotionally insecure, your feelings are not heard or responded to with respect, where you cannot express yourself freely, if you know it is not going well and, in the end, you do not feel happy. It will be painful at first, but it is always better than cheating yourself or settling for something that is not close to what you want or is not enough. Take charge of your life and get out of an unsatisfying relationship. Maybe to find another person, at best, to .
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Bauman, Z. (2013). Liquid modernity. John Wiley & Sons.
- Perel, E. (2017). The state of affairs: Rethinking infidelity-A book for anyone who has ever loved. Hachette UK.
- Young, M.E., & Long, L.L. (1998). Counseling and therapy for couples. Thomson Brooks/Cole Publishing Co.