Sometimes, it is extremely difficult for us, after ending a relationship, to cut the link with our ex-partner and that is when we become trapped in unhealthy dynamics that prevent us and the other from moving forward emotionally.
Ignoring a person and isolating yourself from them through the “zero contact” technique is an attitude that some people adopt with their ex-partners, to get away from toxic, dependent relationships. In this Psychology-Online article, we will tell you What is zero contact and how is it applied?what are its phases and what are the benefits of applying it.
What is zero contact
We call it “zero contact” when for a specific time we restrict contact with the other, we cut and eliminate all communication with him. Zero contact is cutting the link and stopping communicating with the other person through any means. With the latter, we mean not talking to that person, not answering their calls, not writing to them or responding to their messages, not spying on their social networks, not talking about that person with third parties, avoiding their presence in all contexts, not inquiring about that person’s information. that person with friends… That is, practically pretend that person no longer exists in our lives and begin to live our life without him or her.
Zero contact is a technique that is used when we want to distance ourselves from our ex-partner, either because it hurts us to maintain contact with that person, it has been difficult for us to end that relationship or we are having a hard time moving forward, due to the constant connection with that person or the extreme dependence that exists on them. It is also a technique that is used and recommended to get away from toxic or harmful people who appear in our lives in our different contexts.
Benefits of zero contact
Zero contact after a breakup can have many benefits, such as:
Stop self-deception
After a recent breakup, our need to maintain contact with each other can lead us to lie to ourselves and the other person, saying that we can just be friends or that we can maintain some type of relationship. However, When the breakup is recent, that “friendship” will hardly be established without other interests by one of the members of the couple. This can lead us to emotional confusion, difficulty experiencing the relationship grieving process, and the impossibility of rebuilding our life with someone else. The zero contact technique can provide a space to work through the breakup of the relationship and build a “new life” without your ex-partner.
clear your mind
The zero contact technique can also give the space to think and clarify thoughts and evaluate the decision to have ended. Taking distance from the other encourages forgetting, but it can also be an opportunity to think about what both members of the former couple want. To be able to miss yourself and evaluate whether it is worth trying again or not.
Get out of toxic or harmful dynamics
This technique is also useful and quite necessary in harmful situations that persist and generate more harm than well-being but from which it is very difficult to get out due to the addictive component they present. In these types of cases, this technique is not easy to sustain, but it is the only thing that can help us get out of those types of dynamics that hurt us.
Strengthen yourself emotionally
A time away can be useful and extremely necessary to strengthen yourself emotionally, empower yourself and take control of your thoughts again. Once you have managed to distance yourself from your initial emotions and disconnect from them, you will be able to think things through coldly and decide what you want, avoiding acting on impulse or making bad decisions because of what you feel at the moment.
Prioritize your needs, revalue yourself
Sometimes, instead of thinking about what we want and need, we do things for others and leave ourselves aside. In this sense, there are dynamics of dependency that are sustained by emotions such as guilt, pity or fear of harming the other. By taking distance, you can put aside everything that the other desires and wants for a moment, to decide based on what you feel and you need first.
Find yourself again
A time away helps us reconnect with ourselves. When we leave a relationship, we need that space to reconnect and generate new activities to be able to emotionally rearm ourselves and in our daily routine. A space to reunite with ourselves is extremely necessary in this sense.
Increase your self-esteem
Reconnecting with ourselves, generating activities that we like and are passionate about, developing new hobbies and choosing to focus on our needs and prioritize ourselves, helps our self-esteem become greater and more solid. Here you will find .
Heal wounds from the past
Time alone always helps us see things more clearly. After a breakup, having some time alone can help us give a different reading to the relationship that ended and discover patterns or dynamics that perhaps come from our history and to be able to take charge of them through a process of personal analysis.
Achieve mental and emotional detachment
Distance helps us eliminate dependencies, calm and quiet our thoughts and emotions and, therefore, achieve detachment both mentally and emotionally.
How zero contact is applied
The distance taking is equivalent to a withdrawal phase, where you, voluntarily, deprive yourself of an object that generates or generated desire in you at some point in the relationship and from which you are probably having a hard time separating for some reason. Most likely, there will be an impulse to search. By this I mean that initially there will be zero contact resistance, which can occur in the person who applies it, in the person to whom it is applied, or in both. The contact technique consists of:
- Delete from all your networks to the person.
- Break all communication with that person.
- Ask friends not to comment any type of information about your ex-partner in front of you.
- Avoid asking about him or herin the different contexts that both frequented.
- Not going to places you frequentednot where you think they can coincide.
- Every time that person appears in your mind or memory, change the focus of attention.
- Resist the distance until the end. Despite your desire to connect with the other and/or the other’s insistence on regaining contact, it is important to remain apart if you have a clear objective.
- Fill your free time with new activities, sports, hobbies and connections to rebuild your life and avoid resuming contact just out of dependency, habit or necessity.
- Meet new people.
Initially, when ending a relationship, the person who has decided to end it and the other party feel a number of emotions. Each term is extremely difficult because there are many contradictory emotions in it.
Although we are ending a relationship for some reason, there are many others that kept us in that dynamic all the time and at times we connect with those reasons that made us stay and we question our decision.
It is important that you keep in mind that There will always be good and bad things in relationships. and at the end those good and bad things will still be present, The important thing is to remember that when we decide to break up it is usually because the bad things were too big., too important, outweighed the good ones or accumulated over a long time. I say this because after a while we tend to forget the bad and the ghost of what we lost comes to our memory, we overestimate the good and forget the bad and many times this reason leads us to return to dynamics that we know are not good for us or that sooner or later they will end up falling again.
Stages of zero contact
That is why if you are clear about yourself and need to use the zero contact technique to be able to move forward more easily with your life, we will tell you in this article the different stages that you will go through:
1. Initial security stage
Initially, you will be very sure of the decision, both about having broken up and about applying this technique to your ex-partner. It is important that you hold on to that initial security and listen to what you really want and need. You can write the reasons why you are ending and deciding to walk away on paper, so that later, if doubt or regret arises, you can read these emotions and thoughts again and put things on a balance.
2. Questioning the decision
A few weeks after having finished and having distanced yourself, many emotions probably begin to move within you and this happens because if you are applying the zero contact technique, also you will notice the absence of the other and its lack. This is a stage of confusion and questioning.
Many times, when in doubt, many people abandon the technique and resume contact out of necessity, habit or dependency. It is important to sustain this period of doubt and go through it so that the reason for returning to your ex-partner, if you decide that way, is because you really decided that way, thinking things through maturely and not being prey to a momentary emotion that leads you to the end. repentance.
3. Worry and questioning
After a longer time without having signs of the person, the absence begins to be noticed for both parties in the relationship. On the one hand, you are rebuilding your life without that person, but this reality can be mixed with the awareness that you are losing the other person forever. The fear of losing the other is normal and is part of the stages of grief that we go through after having ended a relationship.
When going through this stage you will be able to reaffirm your decision and rebuild your life or analyze your decision considering the costs of actually losing the other person and trying again, but this time establishing new foundations for the relationship. In this case, this decision would involve cutting zero contact and seek help to work through relationship problems and start a new and different relationship from the previous one.
4. Final decision
At this stage, there are only two ways. oblivion or the second chance. In the next article, we talk about .
When to cut zero contact?
It is important to know that if your desire is to rebuild your life, forget and walk away, no need to cut zero contact and the mere distancing will cause both of their lives to separate. There is no need to talk to your ex again.
On the other hand, if after going through the different phases of the zero contact technique, you consciously determined that you want to give your relationship a second chance, analyzing the pros and cons that this implies, let’s see how to cut zero contact:
- The first thing you should do is resume contact and see if the other person has decided the same as you during this period of absence. Regaining contact with your ex-partner in this sense should be a slow and gradual work, where you begin to connect little by little to regain contact and generate a conversation.
- It is very important to talk about what happened…