What is emotional dependence and codependency? When talking about emotional dependence, one should not neglect the topic of codependency, a frequently pronounced term of which many still do not know the true meaning.
In this Psychology-Online article, therefore, we will see together what is the difference between dependence and codependency, you will know what each type of relationship means with its main characteristics and, in addition, you will know the signs that will help you identify the toxic ties you have in your life. Keep reading!
What is emotional dependency
Emotional dependencies have been discovered recently: in 1945, the psychoanalyst Fenichel introduced the term “dependent love” to designate people who need love like others depend on food or drugs.
In the 70s, for the first time, there was talk of “Women Who Love Too Much”, a book by the American psychologist Robin Norwood. The issue was approached from a point of view much closer to “dependent love”, giving them tools to recognize themselves and understand the cause of women’s discomfort.
To date it has not been classified as a psychiatric pathology, but there are different scholars and therapists who consider it a Psychological trastorn for themselves.
Signs of emotional dependence
Emotional dependence is a dependence on a person who loves oneself, sometimes even in a conflictive way, which in some cases creates a unbalanced balance in the relationship of twobut that manages to satisfy the two lovers, at least until the entry of new elements into the couple’s scene.
In other cases, however, which are the majority today, one of the signs of emotional dependence is that the imbalance is such that brings deep pain, and the total inability to get out of a situation that slowly wears down the dependent lover. Here we list your main symptoms:
- .
- Not being able to separate the self from the other and their will from the other.
- Fear of losing love.
- to separation.
- Fear of loneliness and distance.
- Afraid to show yourself for what you are.
- Blame.
- Feeling of inferiority with respect to the partner.
- Resentment and anger if they leave you.
- Total participation and limited social life.
- and possessions.
If you identify some of these signs of emotional dependence in your relationships, we recommend that you take our test to clear up your doubts.
What is emotional codependency
Codependency, strictly speaking, refers to the bond that is created between an emotional employee and someone – which can be any of the significant people in his or her life (husband, father, son, friend) – who depends on “something else”, whether be it alcohol, drugs, gambling, or someone else.
Some scholars define codependency as a true psychological, chronic and progressive pathology; In these cases, codependents need to relate to dependent people for an unhealthy form of well-being.
What is the cause of codependency?
The concept of codependency was born in the Anglo-Saxon environment, precisely in the field of the study of addictions, since it was noted that many partners of alcoholics and drug addicts tended to repeat the scripts of the past, and connect with people who had the same addiction as one. of parents, both put the well-being of others at the center of your life.
It is an addiction that has its roots in the childhood affective model, in which the child and his well-being were never the center of attention. Thus, some scholars define codependency as a true psychological, chronic and progressive pathology.
Codependency Traits
The codependent seeks approval and self-worth in feeling needed by the other, giving help, affection, security, protection. They seek a secure relationship and are afraid of abandonment, and therefore turn to relationships with people who need firm, patient, parental figures.
Stays in the relationship, even when it is not happy and it is not even remotely satisfying, for example. fear of abandonment and precisely because of the compensation offered by feeling necessary for the other. If you ask yourself “How can I know if I am a codependent person?”, pay attention to the following characteristics:
- Focus your life on others.
- He seeks his own value and happiness outside of himself.
- He helps others more than he thinks about himself.
- Desires the esteem and love of others.
- You are attracted to people who need help.
- Control the behavior of others and anticipate their needs.
- You feel responsible for the other and for their actions.
- Attributes your discomfort to others.
- He puts up with more and more other people’s behavior that he would not have put up with before.
In case you want to expand your knowledge about this toxic bonding model, read our post about it.
Differences between dependence and codependency
Now that you know what emotional dependence and codependency are, it will be much easier for you to understand the differences between the two. Below we list several reasons why:
Types of dependency
There is no talk of emotional dependence because the codependent organizes his thoughts and behaviors not around a substance, but around a person: the relationship with this person becomes a kind of “drug”, with a dynamics very similar to drug addiction.
Need to be essential
In recent years, the concept of codependency has expanded to also include reciprocal dependencies, in which one needs the other, although for different reasons. But it is not exactly the same, because while the codependent needs to feel necessary, those who depend on narcotics feel linked only to their drug, and not to the other person who takes care of them.
Psychological profiles
Codependents are in some ways the “type” emotional employees, since in their stories all those characteristics of low self-esteemthe need to find its value on the outside, and abandonment, which, we have seen, are typical of dependency.
Association with dysfunctional people
The difference between emotional dependence and codependency is that in the first one you can choose a partner who does not have special problems, in the second, the object of the addiction is a person who surely has a pathological dependence.
In codependency, less emphasis is placed on behaviors, which tend to be very similar and common to those present in emotional dependence, rather on the choice of extremely dysfunctional partners, characterized in turn by dependency dynamics typically external to the relationship. .
Association with unavailable people
In codependency, the motto is “”, probably linked to the need to feel and demonstrate one’s own value through managing to change, save and recover the other from their pathological vicissitudes. In emotional dependence, on the other hand, there is a tendency to choose emotionally unavailable partners.
Therefore, we can say that the motto is rather “I will conquer you”: conquering the other, making him fall in love with himself, becoming special in his eyes and in his life becomes an inalienable goal to be able to feel his own value and his own kindness. Next, we will see the identifying features of these types of links:
- These partners are usually engaged in another relationship or not willing to commit or avoiding an emotional attachment.
- The person to whom the dependent is linked usually has personality disorders or psychological ones that make building a healthy and rewarding relationship almost impossible.
- In other cases, the people selected by the clerk are extremely stimulating, with apparently strong and determined personalities, fascinating, intriguing and with whom a relationship is established characterized by a strong passionate component of a sexual nature.
If you liked this article on What is the difference between dependence and codependency, we recommend you read our article.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Barbier, A. (2019). Dipendenza affectiva e codipendenza. Retrieved from: https://www.psicoterapiapersona.it/2019/10/27/dipendenza-affettiva-e-codipendenza/
- Cavaliere, R. (2017). Be not my master, not your master. Break the vicious cycle of emotional spending (and not only). Milan: Franco Angeli.