People are what they are, not what we would like them to be. Accept it once and for all. Maybe he won’t want to attend any therapy, or read that book that you found so interesting and that you think could help you in your relationship, maybe he won’t recognize that he has a problem, much less try to change it. . It’s probably not that he doesn’t want to, everyone wants to be happy and feel loved. Maybe he doesn’t know how to do it better, he doesn’t believe he can do better, or he isn’t prepared to make decisions or try to change.
Do you prefer to be right than to be happy? We already know that a couple is a matter of two. That he could also take the initiative and treat you better. All of that is true, it is also true that you can only change those things that depend on you. If you are willing to not sit idly by, waiting for life, time, luck or others to solve your life, do something now.
If you are not well, nothing will be
The dedication and lack of time due to work, the child, the house, discussions, etc. It is objective. Your attitude towards that circumstance and everything you think and feel is subjective, and you can intervene there right now.
You have to be good with yourself, calm yourself, get rid of feelings of guilt, be able to recover your emotional independence and lose the fear of being alone with yourself. You have to want to be with him, but not need to be with him. You have to lose the fear of losing him.
“It may seem strange to you but the first step is to understand what is happening in your relationship and the only way to achieve this is by looking inside yourselves.
If you have the courage to remain alone with yourself, you will realize that every day you will be stronger to address your problems, in this way you will feel free and able to take action.
Once you overcome the fear of loneliness, you will abandon all resentment towards the other, because you will be independent. As soon as you do it, you will realize that the unhappiness and dissatisfaction you felt disappear.
Try and experience forgiveness, try to give rather than wait to receive, be patient and be constant, and you will surprise yourself transformed. You will improve!”
(Paloma Gascón. Psychotherapist.)
Show him that you are on his side, ALWAYS…
You have to progressively move from fear to confidence. Not “I’m going to do this or that so he doesn’t get angry,” but because “seeing him happy compensates me and makes me happy too.”
You have to regain trust in each otherthe confidence that he loves me even without being perfect, he chooses every day to be with me freely and voluntarily, I can maintain his love even though we do not agree on everything.
The fight ends up being a defense mechanism through which I manage to control the other, since the simple way it doesn’t seem to work. Anger leads to fear, and in the medium-long term fear of the deterioration of the relationship, since we feel tense, humiliated, manipulated, etc.
To regain trust we need to feel that he is in my place, that he is on my side, that he is not my enemy but the person who loves me, that he takes into account my needs and desires as much as his own.
We return to the first idea. YOU HAVE TO BE OK WITH YOURSELF to not needing to prove anything, nor justify yourself for anything. If not, what happens is that our behavior focuses on trying to get the other person to put themselves in our place and agree with us.
Being proven right when we don’t put ourselves in other people’s shoes is difficult, because the other feels the same as you, they want to be understood and proven right, someone has to start, why not recognize that Are we both right?
To build trust
Catch your partner doing something nice and Acknowledge it with a kiss, a smile or a kind word. Make him realize that you like him, don’t keep thinking “what a fly he’s going to be,” “he’ll want something,”… and put on a bad face or remain indifferent. We all like to be liked, if he realizes that this is how he achieves it, you have a better chance of repeating those pleasant behaviors.
Important: NEVER think of taking advantage of something good for talk to him or try to resolve conflicts of another type, e.g.: “if you were always like that, how good it would be for us”, “you see how when you want you can be adorable”, etc.
When you have to give your opinion, first you listen carefully and then you say:
- “I UNDERSTAND THAT…” (You show that you have understood their idea, show empathy and, if possible, agree with their position)
- “IT IS ALSO TRUE THAT…” (Try not to use a BUT… because it seems that the above is not valid. You give your opinion or argue with facts another point of view different from the one heard. If you are going to give your subjective opinion, use “ME” messages, speak for yourself, and don’t get involved in disqualifying others)
- “THEFORE I SUGGEST… OR WHAT COULD WE DO?…” (You propose a change that satisfies both parties)
Important: Remember that there are 3 steps and in that order, and that you ALWAYS have to start by showing him that you put yourself in his place and that you respect his point of view with an understanding that… before giving your opinion or asking for something. Try to open dialogue and negotiation instead of closing it with personal attacks, demands, bad manners, gestures of impatience, etc.
Examples:
– (Ex.: He proposes a plan that you don’t feel like too much)
I understand that you want to stay with your brother so as not to lose contact. I share your same opinion about his wife, so how about we see a way to not dedicate the whole day to that visit.
AVOID SAYING THINGS LIKE: You know I can’t stand so-and-so, and your brother seems like a… for spoiling her… I thought you didn’t like her either…, the truth is that I don’t understand you (that is to say, you end up getting involved or with the person who is to his liking or with himself, or you put up obstacles to allow that encounter.
I completely understand that you want to spend a few days with… It is also true that we have had a very complicated week and we have barely been able to spend a comfortable time together, the 3 of us (referring to the child). For me it is important that we reserve some time to be alone together as a family, I am sure that if we calmly think about a solution to do both things we will find it (open the range of alternatives, it is not about now or never, everything or nothing, we can reserve a different weekend or a long weekend, a morning or an afternoon, negotiate.)
AVOID SAYING THINGS LIKE: “And when are we, let’s see if you realize once and for all that your family is us. “You are a coward, you never know how to say no to others and you always sacrifice us.”
– (Ex.: He does not collaborate with household chores because he says he is tired)
I understand that you have little time for yourself with so much work, (it is also true) the same thing happens to me (message me), between the house and the child I am a little overwhelmed. What do you think if we pick this up quickly between the two of us and lie down on the couch for a bit and watch the movie? They say it’s very good. (suggestion)
AVOID SAYING THINGS LIKE: “Let’s see if you think I’m not tired, if the house overwhelms you and you’ve been there for 5 minutes, imagine me spending the entire afternoon here with the kid, how selfish you are.”
– (Ex.: Complains about having the same dinner several times)
I understand that you get bored of eating something, it happens to me too, maybe you could give me some ideas to vary the menu. With the time I have it has to be something easy to do.
AVOID: Sting yourself. Do not listen to what has not been told to you, do not rush into conclusions or make negative interpretations of the other’s words. Focus on the topic and do not personalize any comments made to you. Don’t be defensive, you don’t have to defend yourself against anything and if so, let them be more explicit with you.
Be affectionate and show your affection usually, even when you are not in a good mood. Use lots of I love yous and physical contact (kisses, hugs, smiles). May your gesture be pleasant, banish the “choto snout”, the snub gestures, the voices.
You yourself will improve with the change. Williams James (a prestigious psychologist) said: are we sad because we cry or do we cry because we are sad? Physical change influences our mental change and vice versa.
REMEMBER: Don’t scold him. Use a positive way of expression, talk about what you want and not what you want to avoid.
Example, you can say:
- It’s about time you got home, or
- I’m so glad you’re home, I wanted to see you.
(If I wanted to say the first, why do I say the second? I can’t wait to see him and as soon as I arrive I manage to set her up so that we can get angry and turn our backs on each other in bed)
Anger in the couple
If you are angry about something he has done, remind him that Your anger does not endanger your love for him. Sometimes it is good before making a criticism to start with a compliment, and if you can end with a better one (e.g.: I love you very much and if there is one thing I don’t want it to be that we argue more about domestic problems. I’m sorry I don’t agree with what you say. you propose, my opinion is that… / Another Example: You seem like a good father to me. I think that in this case, you are not having enough patience to…)
Stop being angry all the timethat is achieved:
- Not believing yourself better than others (every time you blame someone so harshly for something it is because you forget that you also have defects),
- Avoiding “minefields” (those issues to which you are especially susceptible),
- Not provoking the anger of others (by prodding and pointing out their flaws, sometimes gratuitously),
- Do not overload yourself with work or responsibility more than is strictly necessary. Stress produces irritability (surely you can reduce the burden you impose on yourself, what difference does it make if I don’t vacuum today and lie down for a while to rest? Pamper yourself more)
Don’t be such a perfectionist, and stop criticizing him. He’s just a human being as imperfect as you. Don’t continually correct him for minor things. (Ex.: You left the milk out of the refrigerator, your shirt was a little wrinkled, what hair you left today, you gave me a kiss when you arrived, etc.)
stop competing. You’re both on the same team. Why do you have to show him that you are smarter, more intuitive, faster, that you suffer more, that you cook better, that you do more of your part, etc.? Do you feel so insecure that you have to prove your worth by riding and winning battles? You will not get his appreciation and valuation this way, what you will get is that he will resent you, feel attacked, humiliated and counterattack.
AVOID PHRASES OF THE TYPE: “You’re still out there, I’ve had time to…”, “You have little eye for people, I already told you that…”, “Are you tired yet? …I have been there since this morning…”
If he is the one competing, let it be a necessity for him, don’t get involved. Deep down what he is crying out for is love and recognition, he will stop doing it as soon as his self-esteem improves and/or he does not feel threatened. Don’t worry, you can recognize his virtue without belittling yourself. The key is not to compare or compare with the rest. Phrases like: “each person has their own virtues” or…