Assertiveness is a word that is heard a lot nowadays, people usually define it as the ability to express feelings, needs or opinions. However, it is not only important to be able to express oneself, but also to do so in an appropriate way, that is, getting the other to listen to me, so that my message reaches its destination. Both aspects of assertiveness, both being able to express yourself and doing so appropriately, make this an essential skill that we must learn.
Most people have difficulty with one of the two parts of assertiveness. Additionally, our ability to be assertive varies depending on the situation, the people involved, and what we are feeling at that moment.
The mistake of many is to defend themselves weakly (or not to defend themselves at all), in which case their message is easily dismissed by the other person; or defend yourself too strongly, causing the other person to feel hurt or become defensive and not hear the message.
Sadly, some people grow up in homes where emotions are ignored and they never acquire the skills required to be assertive, they do not understand emotions or how they work. Added to this, by not knowing the skills of assertiveness, they cannot teach them to their children either.
It is important for these people to recognize that this is why it is difficult for them to be assertive and that it is not their fault.
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The components of assertiveness
- Take into account the situation and context.
- Trust that your ideas are valid and deserve to be expressed.
- Manage your feelings and put them into words.
- Be aware of what you are feeling in the midst of what is likely to be a difficult and intense situation.
- Understand the other people involved, imagining how they feel and why.
By putting these five skills together, you will be able to say what you need to say in a way that is appropriate to the context, situation, and people involved, so that the recipients of the message can process it without their defenses going up. This point is very important, remember that talking to an individual who is defensive is like talking to a wall. Your message is not going to reach him.
Four ways to develop assertiveness
As you can see, assertiveness is a set of skills and that is why it can be difficult for you. However, it is possible to learn to be assertive and improve your skills. Some ways you can do it are the following:
▪ Pay more attention to your feelings, all the time.
▪ Be friends with your emotions. When you value your feelings, they become a powerful tool. They will let you know when you need to stand up for yourself or speak up. They will give you motivation and energy when you need it most.
▪ Start building your emotional management skills. For example, by increasing your emotional vocabulary and using it daily.
▪ Take every opportunity that comes your way to defend yourself to the best of your ability. If you missed an opportunity, reflect on what you should have done.
Practice makes perfect. The more you do it, the easier it will be to be assertive.
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