Breakups are painful and complex because they involve the loss of an important relationship and a host of complex and even contradictory emotions. When a heart is broken, the person goes through an emotional storm in which sensations such as shock, confusion, sadness, fear, anger, anguish, anxiety and devastation are simultaneously experienced. Zero contact is an effective way to manage these emotions and process the breakup. By not communicating with the ex-partner, space and time is given to both parties to process what happened and heal the emotional pain after the separation. This period of no contact is an excellent opportunity to improve yourself, reflect on the past and be more aware about the reasons for breaking up the relationship. However, at times it may seem impossible to move on without reaching out to your ex.
In this Psychology-Online article, we explain the most common zero contact mistakes.
Not accepting the breakup
Accepting a breakup can be very difficult because losing someone with whom you shared an intimate connection is very painful. However, not accepting it will make recovery difficult, which is the ultimate goal of . Not accepting the breakup means that the person is stuck in the past and makes it difficult to move forward and recover.
Various studies in the field of psychology1,2 have shown that the absence of contact with an ex-partner decreases the frequency and intensity of negative thoughts about the breakup. That is, the sadness and attachment you retain towards your ex decrease linearly over time. For this reason, one of the fundamental aspects of zero contact is to minimize the psychological presence of the ex-partner in our thoughts and our lives.
Not accepting the reality of the breakup fuels intrusive thoughts and prevents you from facing the pain of loss, which is necessary to heal. For this reason, It is essential to be willing to let go of the relationship, at least at the time after the couple broke up. Keeping hopes alive and denying the reality of separation, it is not possible to move forward, only go backwards.
Idealize the past
After a breakup, it is common to idealize the relationship and remember only the good moments, forgetting or minimizing problems and disagreements. This is a natural human tendency, since after separation from a significant person there is a great feeling of loss and emotional emptiness and idealizing the relationship can help fill that void temporarily.
However, when idealizing we can make the mistake of forgetting and ignoring those aspects that precipitated the breakup, such as constant arguments, feelings of loneliness, times when our partner acted with disdain, off-color remarks, and pejorative epithets. Do not have contact with your ex-partner allows you to see the separation in a more realistic way and not like the end of the world.
Without sweat, it will be easier to overcome the relationship remembering everything that caused it to break up, than from the idealized belief of having lost the “perfect” relationship.
Overanalyzing the breakup
Having a clear understanding of why the relationship ended is very important to our ability to move forward. However, sometimes when we are offered a simple and honest explanation, we reject it. The emotional pain after a breakup is so dramatic that our mind makes us believe that the cause must be equally dramatic. This instinct can be so powerful that it can lead even the most reasonable and restrained people to look for hyperbolic explanations and conspiracy theories where none exist.
One of the hardest things about a breakup is wondering if it could have been different or could have been avoided. The “what ifs” keep us anxious and they make us feel guilty. For example, we question whether we made the right decision or whether we could have done more. All of these thoughts keep us stuck in the past and cause us to fall into a cycle of negative thoughts and rumination.
The reality is that there is no explanation for the breakup that will be completely satisfactory or that will make the pain go away. Rationality or logic cannot erase emotional pain. You should avoid contacting your ex to ask for further explanations about your separation and accept the reality to move on.
Break zero contact
A relationship breakup can in some ways be compared to drug withdrawal because of the way our brain processes and reacts to the loss of a significant relationship. When we are in a romantic relationship, our brain releases chemicals that make us feel good and help us create an emotional bond with our partner. However, when the relationship ends, the effect of these substances disappears and our brain faces a period of “abstinence” from that feeling of well-being and happiness.
This is the explanation why many people break zero contact. Most addicts know that they are addicts and can recognize warning signs about possible relapses that help them prevent them, but people who are going through a heartbreak are not aware of how attempts to reach out and communicate with their ex harm them.
Zero contact is like abstinence and Breaking it is a mistake because it makes recovery difficult.. In both cases, the idea is to stop depending on a substance (in the case of addiction) or a partner (in the case of a breakup) that has caused harm or been toxic to the person’s emotional and physical health. . By maintaining zero contact with an ex-partner or quitting drugs, you are choosing to take care of yourself and work toward a healthier future.
Examples of breaking zero contact
The impulses to break zero contact can be almost irresistible due to the need to get closer to our ex. Some common examples of common mistakes when breaking zero contact are as follows:
- Calls, text messagesemails, any type of communication.
- “Stalk” their social networks, look at their latest posts, read comments on their posts, etc.
- Visit places where you would have an “accidental” meeting with your ex.
- Send you messages to congratulate the holidays or birthday. For example, for Valentine’s Day, Easter or Christmas.
- Maintain sporadic or continuous sexual encounters.
- ask friends common or familiar about your ex.
Every text you send and every second you spend stalking your ex on social media is feeding your addiction, deepening your emotional pain, and complicating your recovery.
Trying to manipulate, punish and/or make your ex jealous
Zero contact is a way to set healthy boundaries and take control of one’s life and relationships and a tool that serves to protect oneself, not to manipulate, control or harm the other person. Therefore, the silent treatment, power games, emotional blackmail, etc. It doesn’t work for having a healthier relationship with yourself and others, including your ex.
This type of manipulation They are a way to avoid emotional problems latent and perpetuate toxic dynamics. In fact, they often do more harm than good, and when the partner discovers these tactics they may abandon the relationship because no one wants to feel their freedom coerced.
Therefore, it is a mistake to try to consider zero contact as a technique or trick to manipulate, control, get revenge or provoke jealousy. The best way to describe it is as a positive, empowering and self-affirming lifestyle, rooted in respect, and the determination to leave a relationship that, although it hurts, is not working.
Not understanding your part of responsibility
Another very common error of zero contact is what is known in psychology as the “self-justification effect.” This phenomenon consists of people tending to justify their own behaviors, while attributing responsibility for adversities to others. It is a way of hindering zero contact since HE They keep intense emotions like anger alive and burning. and continued discomfort is generated. This becomes a harmful dynamic that prevents you from moving forward and not understanding your part of responsibility in the separation.
When you blame your ex for the entire weight of the breakup, you put yourself in the position of victim, as if you were helpless and had no responsibility for the breakup. Your partner may have made mistakes, but usually things aren’t always black and white.
Demonizing your ex may give you relief in the short term, but in the long term it will only breed resentment. In addition, it can prevent you from seeing your part of responsibility, so you will not have access to the personal growth necessary to learn and not repeat the situation in the future. After this, it is useful to ask yourself “In what three aspects can I improve to be a better partner in the future, in the event of a reconciliation or with a future partner?” Without responsibility, there is no growth, learning or evolution.
Set fuzzy boundaries
The relationship between boundaries and no contact is close, as both focus on protecting a person’s emotional and physical well-being. Boundaries are red lines that define our relationship with others and establish what we can and cannot tolerate in order to feel respected and safe. In this sense, zero contact is a specific way to put these boundaries into practice and temporarily distance yourself from a person after a separation to focus on yourself and overcoming emotional pain.
Thus, by setting clear boundaries and enforcing them through zero contact, one can protect their emotional and physical health. It is also a way to ensure that what hurt us will not be repeated. For example, if someone sets a boundary of not tolerating disrespect in a relationship, zero contact can be an effective way to put that boundary into practice. By temporarily distancing yourself from the person or situation, you prevent this situation from continuing to occur.
For this reason, establishing poorly defined limits is a mistake because makes it difficult to implement the zero contact periodcan create confusion in the relationship and will make it more difficult to move forward and get over the breakup.
Search for external validation
Seeking external validation essentially means seeking confirmation of something you cannot provide for yourself. In the case of zero contact, seeking validation from your ex can be counterproductive if you need to constantly check if he or she has feelings for you.
It is not possible to maintain zero contact, take care of yourself, begin to heal and ultimately get your ex back or start a relationship with a new person if you still need their approval or confirmation that you are still important in their life.
On the other hand, even if you get some external validation, it’s likely…