Currently there are many theories which attempt to explain a concept as abstract and complicated as love. This is as a consequence of the large number of experiences that people have with love. That is, two people will not experience love in the same way and even the same person can experience love in a completely different way with one person and with another.
However, throughout this Psychology-Online post, we will rely on Stemberg’s triangular theory of love and the phases defined by psychologist Jed Diamond to explain the 5 stages of love and their duration.
Initially, it remains to define the concept of love from a psychological point of view. The American Psychological Association describes this term as a complex emotion that involves strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the object of love, pleasurable sensations in their presence, devotion to their well-being, and sensitivity to their reactions toward oneself. Let’s see the stages of love explained by neuroscience.
Attraction
From a neuroscientific point of view, the existence of several different stages within romantic relationships has been determined. The first is attraction. Within this first stage, people feel the need to always be with each other, they do not want to stop seeing each other at any time. They experience a series of physiological changes nice in the presence of the other person, such as an increase in heart rate, dilation of the pupils, increased sweating. These responses are called chemical responses and help the person experiencing them realize the connection that is being created with the other person.
However, it cannot be considered love as such, since it is practically based on a physical and sexual attraction. From Stemberg’s point of view, the two concepts that are most interrelated in this phase are Intimacy and Passion.
Appointment
During this stage of the relationship, the members of the new relationship try to determine if they like the other person so that they can fall in love. This is when a series of changes occur. chemicals in the levels of dopamine, oxytocin, vasopressin and sex hormones, which further increase the sensations experienced during the attraction. These changes function as indicators to continue with the other person, as they are signs that they are beginning to fall in love.
Fall in love
Within the stages of love as a couple, one of the best known is falling in love. Many people consider that the true relationship with a person begins at this stage and that the previous two act as independent phases. However, researchers consider that without the experience of these two priors, the falling in love phase cannot be reached.
In this regard, people tend to experience a increase in your stress, even having difficulty sleeping. But, at the same time, it is the stage in which the members of the couple are happiest, because, although it decreases, the part of the brain that regulates it is deactivated, so we are not aware of this decrease.
The first phase of love is in which people experience all emotions in an extremely intense way as a result of the release of neurotransmitters and hormones by our body. The couple is in what is called the “happily ever after” stage, since they consider that there is nothing and no one that will be able to separate them. Here you will find details.
According to Mora (2007), the infatuation It is the state of a person dominated by a lively feeling towards another, whom he considers his greatest good, with whom he would like to be united forever and for whom he would sacrifice his own life, if necessary.
Phases of falling in love
Within falling in love we find that it can be divided into a series of phases, which, as you can see, are closely linked to the previously mentioned stages in love, since, without them, this final feeling would not be able to develop.
- 1st Phase. sexual attraction. It is what starts the whole process, you could say that it is what in more informal terms we call “liking”.
- 2nd Phase. Hypervaluation. All those good qualities that we see in them will be projected onto the person we like. It is in the phase where we idealize to the person we are attracted to.
- 3rd Phase. Appropriation of the other. During this phase the person begins to be aware of the possibility of making the other person their own, that is, of being able to incorporate them into their life. It is about checking if the attraction for the other is reciprocated towards your own person.
- 4th Phase. Reciprocity in falling in love. It is a phase in which both parties feel great happiness, because their love has been reciprocated. During this, members begin to get to know each other and share past, present and future experiences.
- 5th Phase. End of love. The feeling of passion and purely physical attraction begins to decline, as does the idealization towards the other member of the couple. They begin to recognize each other’s defects and shortcomings. During this stage, the greatest number of breakups occur, as each member of the couple stops focusing primarily on the other to pay attention to other matters.
Beginning of the relationship
The next phase of a relationship can be considered the love stage itself, where the two members of the relationship know both the positive and negative things about their partner. certain are acquired responsibilities and commitments by both of them.
Disappointment
At the corner of the phases of a relationship, we find ourselves at the most critical moment. The members of the couple create a balance in their minds with the shortcomings and imperfections and with the positive aspects of the other person. It is in the phase where most couples failbecause in these cases the balance has not been able to be compensated and the imperfections become incompatible with what the person wants from their partner.
Overcoming the crisis and real love
The fourth stage of love as a couple is the moment when you can overcome the differences and build a more stable relationship. The idealization of the couple has already been completely eliminated.
Connection and future plan
At this stage, the couple makes use of both their potential to change the world, a deep connection is created between both members, where they begin to define future goals together.
It is the last of the stages of love. During it, the body enters a state of stability and the person’s judgment returns, which is why it is the phase where the most ruptures occur. This is as a result of both members of the couple beginning to know the other’s defects and making a balance between the good and the bad. In the following article we delve into it.
If couples manage to overcome these differences, that is when they decide to focus on the benefits of sharing a life together. Based on Stemberg’s theory, we could indicate that this phase is when the perfect balance is created between the three components of the pyramid.
Premises of Stemberg’s triangular theory
This theory is based on the idea that love is created from the interaction of three components and that it is the degree to which each one is possessed that determines the type of love that will be experienced. These three components to know are:
- Privacy: feelings of closeness, connection and bonding, which give rise to the experience of warmth in a loving relationship.
- Passion: impulses that give rise to romance and physical attraction.
- Commitment: decision that you love someone and that you want to maintain that love. This component includes those cognitive elements involved in making decisions about the long-term commitment of a relationship.
Here you will find those that arise when combining the 3 components.
How long do the stages of love last?
Each person is a world and if we bring two people together it is even more so. For this reason, we cannot specify in a 100% concrete way the duration of each of the stages of love. But we can make an approximation as seen in numerous studies of couples and studies of love.
- Fall in love: it is considered that it can last from two to three months to one or two yearshowever, cannot extend much beyond this period.
- Beginning of the relationship and disappointment: We combine these two phases when indicating their duration, since again it depends on each couple, since some need more time to open up to the other, so it will take longer for them to show their imperfections. It is considered to usually last from one to four yearsso it is not surprising that most divorces occur in the fourth year of marriage.
- Overcoming the crisis, real love and future plan: these stages of improvement and “tranquility” in the relationship are said to last for minimum ten yearsafter which you can either continue in this final phase, or restart the cycle of the stages of love.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- American Psychological Association. 750 First St. NE, Washington, DC 20002-4242 Retrieved from:
- Diamond, J. (2016). The Enlightened Marriage: The 5 Transformative Stages of Relationships and Why the Best Is Still to Come. RedWheel/Weiser.
- Mora Montes, JM (2007). Understanding falling in love. Cauriensia, Vol. II (2007) 363-388.
- Serrano Martínez, G., & Carreño Fernández, M. (1993). Sternberg’s theory of love. Empirical analysis.