Love is easy to evoke, but it is difficult to explain. It is not about anything, but about what Goethe referred to as the only thing necessary in the world of human beings. But what is so necessary is always a mystery: that is, perhaps, why we are so enthralled by love, and why we do not renounce it.
However, we always want to find explanations – philosophical, scientific or even metaphysical – for that passion that presents itself to us in such unpredictable ways at different stages of life.
Many believe, for example, in a kind of continuum in the individual processes of love, from the first to the last. In this conception, each of these processes has its predetermined characteristics: the first loves are those that are always there, while, among the loves of maturity, there is always one that is revealed as the “true love” of our destiny.
There is even a famous Japanese metaphor that indicates that we are linked from birth to our true love, by means of a red thread tied to our respective little fingers. But whatever the approach, we are always destined to be with another, to such a degree that reunions between lovers are recurrent beyond fiction. And most likely, it has happened to all of us.
However, it would be worth it not to interfere only with destiny, and to think that we are also determined by other things to be close to a person. For example, for our brain, which plays a fundamental role in the way we face existence. In the mechanisms of our psyche, love and hate are survival instincts that, surprisingly, occur in and activate the same regions of the brain.
That explains the moments in which we believe we “hate” the other, when in reality we love them.
And perhaps it also explains why, although we say we hate it, we search for it until we find it.
So our neurons undoubtedly condition the way we love; We wouldn’t dare say that they do it more than fate, but they definitely play an essential role. So, destiny and psyche could have some complicity in this future of love and its syncretisms. But in a more earthly sense, the explanation of why people destined for each other meet again requires one last element: the will.
On a psychological level, the “red thread” of the Japanese metaphor could be understood, rather, as a question of resistance: when a relationship has been able to face difficult moments and breakups and the couple is capable of giving themselves second and even third chances, there is undoubtedly a bond of understanding that strengthens the feeling of love – and that, in fact, should be inherent to all good affection.
In this regard, Shirley P. Glass, psychologist and expert author on relationships, shared for El Confidencial:
People who are able to reconnect and fall in love with the same person again feel that their love is unique, more special than the rest.
Of course, this should not be confused with emotional clinging, codependency, or illusory expectations that usually appear when we no longer love people but rather the comfort zone they represent for us. It is enough to be frank with ourselves, and question ourselves (even if we do not like the truth), to detect if it is really a “destined” love that seems to be inevitable in our eyes.
The red thread of love, that reunion with the person for whom we are “destined”, could well be translated as a conscious struggle to want to be with the person who electrifies us and with whom we blend in. It is a will that moves us, and not just destiny, our brain impulses or any other force beyond wanting. It is that strength that also requires having courage and confidence in ourselves; to cultivate self-love and recognize whether it is necessary to let go or not.
Reflecting on this is useful to face the problems that every couple has and not give up on who could be our true love. Because what if the red thread was cut? It will be up to both people if they want to rescue it.
* Images: Laura Makabrescu