Classifying a couple as normal or abnormal is a bit complex, since each relationship dynamic is unique and unrepeatable. The dynamics of each couple are a repetition of what each person has learned in the past. Of the avoidable and the inevitable or the conscious and the unconscious. All these learnings come into play with each new discovery and each change in life.
The truth is that no one teaches us how to be someone’s partner. Everything we know comes from what we have observed in our role models, in our friendships and from our own experiences from the past. Therefore, you may not know what to do if your partner leaves you several times and then wants to get back with you.
In this Psychology-Online article, we will talk about the following situation: My partner has left me several times, is this normal? We will see the possible reasons that can lead someone to return to their partner again and again and what to do if you find yourself in an intermittent relationship.
Why does my partner leave me and come back?
My partner has left me several times, is this normal? Many relationships end because at times it is easier to walk away than to communicate, to get angry than to understand each other, and to avoid than to confront. In psychology, this way of acting is called “acting.” This term refers to when we begin to act in a way because we are not able to put it into words.
Sometimes, many silences, differences of opinion or ways of being and acting are hidden behind separations. Unsaid things end up undermining and breaking the couple. So why is the relationship restarted?
Next, we will see the main reasons why your partner leaves you and comes back:
- Fear of change: each breakup is a frustration for the person and the couple that requires mourning for the loss of the dreams and ideals that were built with that other. As in any grieving process, there is a period where we resist losing what we do not want to lose. Discover .
- Hope for change: the feeling may arise at that moment that we could have done things differently. That perhaps the relationship would have been saved if we had acted in a certain way. This is when, if both parts of the couple are aligned in that thought, second, third and fourth chances appear. Often this hope is illusory and motivated by dependency.
- Culpability: Sometimes, reconciliation is an attempt at reparation that arises from guilt, from not understanding what happened, what we did wrong, and from the desire for things to work again. In this article, we tell you.
What does it mean to leave and come back several times?
Each couple is a world that must be analyzed as a particular case in order to determine what they need to resolve their conflicts. It should be noted that the most frequent causes of rupture are communication problems and the psychological distance. In these cases, when the couple breaks up several times, and then returns, it means that they have not managed to communicate successfully and that each one lives in a different reality that they do not share with the other person.
There are other types of relationships where the comings and goings of the relationship are due to . In these cases, the person returns because they feel they need the other, even though at the same time he knows that it is not good for him or her. They are couples who have tried to get out of that dynamic many times, but not only do they not succeed, but the need to return becomes increasingly stronger.
At the brain level, in this type of reactions a reward circuit similar to that generated in addictions is generated. The relationship becomes an addiction, as if it were a . The moment of pleasure of reconciliation is so strong that it silences or omits the pain of the breakup. In this article, you will find more information about .
What to do if I am in an on-again, off-again relationship
If you’re in a relationship that comes and goes, you may wonder if repeated terms in your relationship are normal. Next, we tell you what to do if you are in an on-again, off-again relationship:
- Identify what the dynamic of the relationship is and how it makes you feel: each relationship is a different story that must be analyzed in a particular way. Every couple that tries to reconcile again hides a reason behind its termination, a reason why they want or need to try one more time.
- Ask yourself why you want to try again.: There are many reasons why you may want to try again one more time. Maybe there is something you need to repair and you don’t know how or you have some reason that causes you an urgent need to get back with that person. It is important that you give space to this questioning, since it probably hides something important about your relationship.
- Question why now: If you wonder if it is normal that your partner has left you several times, before expressing any prejudice, ask yourself the following: What is making noise in your relationship today? Why does this question arise today and not arise before? What appears different?
- Go to a professional: guided support helps determine what is causing your attempts to return and continue the relationship. A professional will help you acquire new communication tools and perceive if there is any unconscious factor to work on to break an old harmful pattern.
- Know yourself: Discover what it is in you that leads you to connect with this type of dynamics or situations. It is the only thing that will allow you to have the necessary awareness to be able to freely choose what you want in your life. Then you can decide what is worth working on to try again. In this article, you will see.
In short, returning to a relationship several times, without being clear about the real problem, can be quite frustrating. Most likely, the patterns that harm the couple and that were what caused it to break up the first time will continue to be repeated.
Another important aspect to consider is that, as Rolón says, sometimes in order to achieve a healthy relationship, in which one feels good, a person must leave behind the temptation to stay in others that hurt them. It is not easy, since there are no casual elections. There is always a reason that leads someone to choose what hurts them. Professional help can help you figure out what it is.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Pereiro C. (2010). Addictions manual for medical specialists in training. Spain: Socidrogalcohol
- Rolon G. (2012). Encounters. The b side of love. Argentina: Planet