Over the years, the family has been defined by various authors – one of the best known is Minuchín (1986) – as an organized and independent system or group of people in constant interaction, which is regulated by rules and functions. dynamics that exist among themselves and with the outside. The family is, then, a group with its own identity and the setting for a broad network of relationships. Its set is created based on a system of shared values and beliefs. Furthermore, the family carries with it a structure and organization that includes rules of interaction and a hierarchy of relationships between its components. At the same time, we also find rules that regulate relationships and interactions between family members and relationships with the outside world that will tell us who belongs and who is excluded from the family group. Knowing the family rules, both explicit and implicit, allows us to know how we should relate to the family system. In this Psychology-Online article we want to explain to you Why your in-laws ignore you and what you can do.
Why is my in-laws ignoring me?
As mentioned above, the family is a structured group of people with their own identity that has rules to develop their family dynamics. The family structure assumes that there is one or more figures who assume leadershipTherefore, they exercise greater influence in the development and maintenance of the rules and also the sanctions that may arise from non-compliance with one of them.
Leadership can be of different types, or very rigid where there is only one leader and it is immovable – rigid family -, democratic or flexible authority, or chaotic families. Maybe The way the family works is with very rigid rules. and unquestionably any change that occurs in it will be perceived as a betrayal, a threat or an intrusion. Your arrival at this has threatened the balance and family stability. Not knowing how to act in the face of this fact, what is easiest for them is to ignore you, since integrating you would mean having to modify certain rules and roles and at the moment they do not see or believe it is necessary to do so.
What to do when your in-laws don’t love you
Below we will see certain techniques that you can use to approach the in-laws:
Find allies
Think for a second if you really feel that the whole family is ignoring you or you see that there is someone who is perhaps more willing to break with that rigidity of the family, even if it is someone more distant, like a cousin or an uncle. On many occasions, not all members of a family – family nucleus or extended – act the same, try to find that person who is always a little more attentive to you. Surely the person in the family who ignores you is the one who maintains the role of leader and ensures its stability. Look for those people who stand out a little and you will surely find an ally with whom you feel integrated.
Find common ground
When you and your partner started, you surely noticed that despite having your disagreements, what united you was much more than what separated you. Well, your partner has grown up in that family unit that today ignores you, perhaps it is time to make a little effort and look for the points in common that you can have with the family, you will surely find some. It is important that you ask your partner for help in this process and that they take an active part.
Talk to your partner
Communicate to your partner assertively how you feel about the treatment that their family gives you. In addition to expressing your discomfort, another thing you can do is ask them to tell you a little more about their family: what customs and traditions they have, what role each person plays, what they like, what they don’t… Try to make a approach so that the other person sees that you really want to belong to them and on the other hand it will help you to obtain more information about family functioning. Here you will find more information for.
My partner does not defend me before his family
In the family structure we have talked about there being defined roles for each member of the family, perhaps the role given to your partner makes find it difficult to face their family members out of fear to destabilize the harmony created for so many years in the family. Also, if we talk about perhaps your partner’s family structure is rigid, that means that there is a very well-organized hierarchy and that sometimes it is difficult to cope. Even so, each member of the family is unique and has the ability to modify certain systems with their ideas, although depending on the structures – democratic, rigid, chaotic – it will be more or less difficult for them to confront their relatives.
Do in-law couple problems have a solution?
Over time and when they see that you are someone stable in the life of their family member, this rejection that you felt at the beginning will probably decrease and they will integrate you into their family system, since for rigid structures changes are difficult to assimilate but If you remain constant over time, integration will be easier for them. Also, if they see that you really love the person you are with and that they are happy with you, The family must understand that they must accept you for the common good of all.since not doing so will mean a conflict for the entire family.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
Andolfi, M. (1993). Family therapy. An interactional approach. Barcelona: Paidós.
Minuchin, S. (1986). Families and Family Therapy. Barcelona: Gedisa.
Minuchin, S., & Fishman, H. C. (1981). Family therapy techniques. Barcelona: Piadós.
Pittman, F. S. (1990). Decisive moments. Treatment of families in crisis situations. Barcelona: Paidós.
Rodrigo, MJ and Palacios, J. (1998). Concepts and dimensions in the evolutionary-educational analysis of the family. In Rodrigo, MJ and Palacios, J. (coord.). Family and Human Development, 45-70.