Adam Grant explains to us in the New York Times in Spanish why it is necessary that we teach children the value of open disagreement:
Children need to learn the value of thoughtful disagreements. Sadly, many parents teach their children that if they disagree with someone it is good manners to remain silent. Crap. What if we taught children that staying silent is rude? It is disrespectful to the other person’s ability to have a civil discussion, and also to the value of one’s own opinion and voice. It is a sign of respect to care enough about someone’s opinion to be willing to refute it.
We can also help by having open discussions in front of the children. Many parents hide their conflicts: they want to present a united front and don’t want their children to worry. But when parents disagree, children learn to think for themselves. They discover that no authority monopolizes the truth. They become more tolerant of ambiguity. Instead of conforming to the opinions of others, they trust their own judgment.
It seems that how often parents argue is not important, but how they handle arguments when they occur. According to Albert, the psychologist, creativity tends to flourish in families that present “tension and security.” In a recent study of 5- to 7-year-old children, those whose parents argued constructively felt much safer. Over the next three years, those children showed greater empathy and concern toward others. They were friendlier and more restrained with their classmates.
Instead of trying to avoid fights, we should model gentle conflict and teach children how to disagree healthily. We can start with four rules:
• Make it look like a debate and not a conflict.
• Argue as if you are right, but listen as if you are wrong.
• Respectfully interpret the other person’s perspective.
• Recognize the points on which you agree with your critics and what you have learned from them.
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Image: The New York Times
General editor and co-founder of .com. I specialize in the clinical care of adults with problems of depression, anxiety and emotional dysregulation.
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I loved that reflection, giving disagreement a value of respect, being complacent is not at all a sign of education.