Assertiveness is a social skill that allows us to express our feelings and needs but being careful not to hurt or offend the other. This ability protects us from our own rights and, in turn, allows us to respect the rights of others.
Who hasn’t found themselves in the situation of having to say no to someone and hasn’t known how to do it. How to tell someone you don’t like them? It is an uncomfortable situation and you may find it difficult. That’s why, from Psychology-Online, we want to offer 20 assertive ways to tell that person: I don’t like you.
How to politely decline a date
Below is a series of techniques that will allow us to reject a date and look good.
Sandwich technique
When we use this technique, what we do is give a positive message before and after expressing our rejection of the proposed request. The effect that the sandwich technique achieves is that the rejection is more bearable for the person who receives it, since we also activate the positive feelings of the other.
- A example It would be: “Thank you for the suggestion of going out for a drink, lately I’m very busy with work and I have little time, but I appreciate that you thought of me.”
scratched record technique
This technique can be used when it is not the first time that we have to reject an appointment with that person. It means that in an assertive way, we continue to express our refusal without giving in to the other person’s insistence and keeping our response firm.
- A example It would be: “I appreciate your invitation, but, as I told you before, I think going out to dinner with you is not a good idea, please, don’t insist any more.”
Technique to process the change
This technique involves shifting the focus of attention to what is happening, as if we were looking at the conversation as an external observer. It can also be useful in the event that the person is insisting too much on meeting.
- A example It would be: “You’ve been insisting for several weeks, I already told you no, please don’t keep telling me to meet.”
Propose alternatives
In the event that the rejection of the appointment is only something specific, that is, we want to decline a proposal but we think that there are other options, we can search and propose alternatives.
- By example: “I’m very sorry, this time I already have other plans but how will it be for you one day next week?”
fog bank
The fog bank is a technique that consists of expressing partial agreement without changing our decision, that is, our refusal. It is a very useful technique when we can perceive that our interlocutor may have a negative reaction to rejection. The person asks you to go to the movies on a Friday afternoon and you don’t feel like it; it is about expressing approval of the proposed plan but declining it.
- By example: “Going to the movies on Friday may be a great plan, but I usually end up very tired from the whole week, so I prefer to stay home, but I appreciate it.” As we see, we agree that it could be a great plan but we remain firm in the decision.
Appreciate the effort
For many people, asking another for a date is an effort, so it is good that we acknowledge it even though our response is negative.
- By example: “I really appreciate that you asked me to go to dinner…even so, I think it’s better not to take any further steps.”
In the following article we explain more.
How to tell someone you don’t like them via message
If we see that the other person was not what we expected and we have to communicate it, we must try to do it in an empathetic way so that that person does not feel the rejection in a “harsh” way, but at the same time the message is clear. Below we find a list of possible messages to send:
- I think you are a great person but I have realized that we don’t quite fitI think it would be better for both of us to stop talking.
- You seem like a very interesting person to me, but I’m at a point in my life where I’ve realized that I need time for myself.
- I would prefer to stop talking, I think that you and I don’t quite fit together and I don’t want to waste time to nobody. I hope you understand.
- I realized that we are not looking for the sameand I think the best thing for both of us will be that we leave things here, you deserve someone who values you.
- It may be that lately you have noticed me more distant, I have been thinking and it is not clear to me that I see a future in ours, I prefer to leave it here before it goes further.
- I thought I was at a point in my life where I could meet someone, I have realized that I am not. Very sorry.
- I liked the time we shared talking, I think you are a very nice person but I think I see you more as a friendship that like a couple. I don’t know if the same thing happens to you too.
- I don’t want you to take anything that I’m going to tell you now the wrong way, but lately I don’t feel the same connection What I felt with you at the beginning and I can’t find ways to get it back, I don’t want to waste your time, since I believe that you are a person who is worth a lot and you deserve someone who will show it to you day by day, today I cannot offer you this. I’m sorry.
Depending on how the person behind the phone reacts, we can use the technique of:
Find matches
It’s about finding out if you agree with any of the opinions that the other person has given you, emphasizing these but staying firm with your opinion.
- A example It would be: “I understand that this message may have made you uncomfortable and you are right that perhaps I could have used another means, I’m sorry, I haven’t found a better way to communicate it to you.”
In this article you will find more.
Ways to say no politely
We have all found it uncomfortable to have to say no at some point, so below are a series of ways to politely say no.
Thank
Despite saying no to the proposal made, it can be good to thank the other person for the gesture; if you say thank you, everything turns out better.
- By example: “I really appreciate your proposal, but today I have another commitment to attend to.”
Try not to make excuses
It has happened to all of us that we have clearly seen how they gave us an excuse to say no, and the truth is that on many occasions you think: it is better for him to tell me the truth. It is also true that sometimes we are not prepared to face the truth.
The key so that the person does not take the refusal without excuses badly lies in the smile and the look in the eyes of the person, it will allow you to maintain the appropriate composure for the situation. Sometimes, it is easier not to make excuses and be more direct online. First you can do it by email or WhatsApp and later in person.
Include emotions
Adding words with emotional connotations such as “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry” makes the refusal easier for the other person to accept. If in addition to the emotional touch we also add a “a lot”, it is even easier to decline the proposal without looking bad.
- By example: “Thank you very much for your proposal, I am very sorry not to be able to attend.”
Elementary assertiveness
It’s about giving an answer short, simple and concise about our position, giving a short explanation of why our answer is negative.
Recognize and express positive intention
It is about detecting and empathizing with the person’s positive intention and expressing it to them.
- A example It would be: “I know you proposed it to me because the times we have gone together we have had a good time.” That way, when the negative comes later, it will be easier to accept.
Here you will find more information about .
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Castanyer, O., Cañizares, O. (2017). I’m going to be assertive. Spain: Connect.
- Caballo, VE (1983). Assertiveness: definitions and dimensions. Psychological Studies, 4(13), 51-62.