Currently, there are many couples who decide to break up their marriage and divorce, surely due to the ease and speed, compared to years ago, of implementing this procedure legally. It is a situation that, in most cases, causes pain, discomfort and sadness, since it represents a very important change in the functioning of both the couple and the family in general. However, this situation can become more aggravated when the couple has children together, since it is a factor that can make the child more vulnerable.
Often, when they find themselves in this delicate situation, their needs and opinions are overlooked or not taken into account and can cause a negative impact on them that could affect their development and, later, their future. . It is for this reason that correctly communicating to children that their parents are separating could avoid different consequences that directly affect their cognitive and emotional development. In this Psychology-Online article we will detail different tips on how to tell children that you are breaking up. Below you will find 9 tips to communicate the divorce to your children.
Take into account the consequences of divorce on children
The consequences that parental divorce can have on children will vary depending on their stage of development, their age, their degree of maturation and the way in which the parents have faced it. However, we can highlight different effects that minors may have depending on their age. For example:
- When the separation occurs during the pregnancy stage, the mother’s mood can affect cognitive development of the minor.
- When it occurs between the first year of life and three years, they can develop behavior of shyness, insecurity, nighttime nightmares, phobias or fear to a parent not returning home, being so sensitive to the changes that have occurred in their environment.
- When it occurs between three and five years old, they can have fear of loneliness, of parents leaving them alone and being abandoned by them. It is a stage where children’s egocentrism is very important, for this reason, they may think that they are to blame for their parents’ divorce. Later we will discuss how to avoid this situation.
- When it occurs between the ages of six and twelve, they tend to be more aware of their own emotions and what is happening around them, they can come to understand what divorce is and feel rage and helplessness seeing that this situation has not been resolved. Also common are feelings of abandonment and guiltnightmares and regressions.
- When it occurs during adolescence, as it is a stage of searching for identity, they need to be safe in order to develop optimally at this stage. Having experienced parental divorce threatens this security and they may fear feeling abandoned, finding other ways to express emotions such as anger, hostility through drug use, fights, psychological disorders…In addition, they may have a pessimistic belief and vision of romantic relationships, since their parents’ relationships have not worked out.
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Decide what and how to tell it
Parents have to decide and talk about what exactly they want to communicate to their children, if they think it is necessary to tell the reasons and find the most delicate way to do it. It is also necessary for both parents to tell the same events as they happened, so as not to confuse the minors. That is, it is important talk about it first and agree on the information that will be transmitted.
Communicate it between the two members
Another piece of advice on how to explain divorce to both children and adolescents is to have the involvement of both members of the couple. It is advisable that both parents are present when the divorce and the new situation they will live in are explained to them. Since, it is a decision that both members of the couple have made and, in this way, the minors will be able to resolve their doubts and have the support of their parents at that moment.
Take age into account
It is necessary match words and vocabulary depending on the age of the minor since explaining the divorce process to a 6-year-old child is completely different than explaining it to a teenager. In all cases, their doubts must be resolved and, to the extent possible, they must be told how their lives will be managed from now on.
Have sensitivity
Another piece of advice on how to explain divorce and how to separate in the healthiest way and with fewer consequences for the minors is to use empathy. Divorce is a very delicate issue since it will affect the lives of minors, which is why, when communicating to them, you must be careful. a lot of empathy and tact. A well-communicated separation can influence how they understand and accept this complicated situation in the future.
Provide emotional support
It is very important that, during the explanation of this new situation, emotional support can be provided and demonstrated so that they feel understood, loved and contained. It is necessary since, often, children experience separation from their parents as an abandonment when they notice the absence of one of the parents. Therefore, you have to work on feelings and fears of abandonment and try to show more confidence and security.
Manage feelings of guilt
Sometimes, both children and adolescents can come to think that they were the cause of the separation and can even suffer more, when they do not usually behave well. It is very necessary to remove this guilt that weighs so much on them and explain to them that the divorce has nothing to do with them.
Try not to change your routines
In some cases, when two parents divorce, they tend to move away from the family, causing minor changes at a relational level, since they tend to keep their friends far away or cannot see them every day, either at an academic level or at an academic level. who leave their usual school to go to another. must be tried stay in the same place and that the separation of their parents does not come to them affect so much in your personal life not even in your day to day life.
Communicate it to the school
Explaining this situation to teachers could facilitate their adaptation, assimilation and acceptance of the facts since within this institution they could also receive both emotional and academic support and they could take into account your needs at the vital moment in which they find themselves. It is also very important that minors also know that they can count on them and have their help at all times.
Separation, especially in children, is a difficult process that can be very painful for all family members. However, the way in which this situation is explained and faced could be a very great influence on its subsequent overcoming.
Request and offer professional support
Finally, another tip for addressing a problem is to keep in mind the Professional Help. Both for fathers and mothers, individually or as a couple, as well as for little ones. A separation is an important change in the functioning of the life of the entire family, therefore, it is a process that entails losses: it is still a duel.
Psychology professionals can help you manage your emotions and accompany you or your children in this process. They can also help achieve an amicable separation through mediation. Couples therapy is not always with the objective of uniting the members, it can also have the objective achieve a healthy separation, without extra suffering for the couple or children, through empathetic, assertive and respectful management. In this article we explain.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Aydillo, C. (29019). Divorce and the impact on children. Faculty of human and social sciences. Comillas Pontifical University.
- Novo, M., Vázquez, MJ and Vilariño, M. (2008). Illusion of reconciliation and feeling of guilt in children of separated parents, how to address it at an early age. Galician journal of Ibero-American scientific cooperation, 15, 31-38.
- Romero, F. (2002). Family mediation. An example of practical application: communicating to children about parental separation. The role of the mediator. Magazine of the Ministry of Labor and Social Affairs, 40, 31-54.