Jealousy manifests itself due to fear of losing the attention and appreciation that a person has towards us. Well, this is partly very normal, we are social beings and we need relationships with others. However, when jealousy is continuous, high and annoying for you and your partner, it is no longer appropriate. What’s more, they begin to be counterproductive, since pathological jealousy brings conflicts and problems in the relationship. They can weaken it, thus increasing the risk that the relationship will end.
A person is not jealous, but rather presents jealousy, an emotion that does not define him. A person, when he feels jealous, can control your partner, continually ask what they are doing or where they are, investigate their belongings or on social networks, spy on their mobile phone…All of these behaviors are intended to counteract anxiety and fear. There are also behaviors that try to avoid these sensations: such as prohibiting the partner from carrying out activities where they can socialize.
To avoid jealousy, you can apply different techniques and tips that we explain below. However, the main basis for avoiding jealousy, for not feeling exaggerated jealousy, is the /a. When you trust yourself, it means that you know yourself, that you know what you are like, you know your strongest and also your weakest points and you accept them. That is, you accept that you are a human being and by nature you are imperfect: you make mistakes and successes, you have virtues and defects.
When you trust yourself and love yourself just the way you are, you don’t need validation or recognition from others to feel good. You don’t need a person watching over you, showing you their love for you continually. When you do not depend emotionally on your partner, that exaggerated fear of losing them decreases considerably. And with it, jealousy also decreases. Next, we explain how to overcome obsessive jealousy.
To answer this question, we must first explain what jealousy is and why it occurs. Jealousy in psychology is an emotional response that arises from the belief that the loved one may stop being by our side because of a third party. The loved one can be parents or a friend, although the most common figure is the partner. We usually talk about jealousy in a couple.
What is the cause of this emotional response? Jealousy, biologically, has an adaptive function. Falling in love, for biology, serves to procreate and perpetuate the species. The role of jealousy is to keep the sexual partner exclusive in order to procreate and take care of the offspring together. This way, they are more likely to survive and perpetuate the species. For all this, we can conclude that jealousy is a normal and natural emotion that alerts us to the possible danger that our partner will stop being with us. All feelings and emotions are there to fulfill their function when necessary.
So where is the problem? As in the case of all emotions, the problem comes when the emotion complicates our lives rather than making it easier. And that happens when jealousy is excessive and manifests itself with a lot of discomfort and disrespectful behavior. Why can you feel jealous when it is not adaptive? Due to the experiences lived and the teachings received, each person forms a set of beliefs and they say how their partner should be and how they should behave.
These beliefs about the world, about relationships and about oneself, which can be conscious or unconscious, are what guide our interpretation of reality. Our emotional reaction depends on the interpretation of reality. Therefore: when asked if a jealous person can change, the answer is: a person is not jealous, but rather feels jealous. This emotional reaction yes you can learn to manage and change. Now comes the most interesting part: how. Next we will see how to avoid jealousy and how to control jealousy.
For everything we have explained, we cannot stop being jealous 100%, but understand, manage and reduce jealousy to healthy and manageable levels. More than how to stop being jealous, we will talk about how to avoid jealousy and how to manage jealousy and distrust in your partner. Let’s look at some tips to overcome jealousy:
1. Understand jealousy
Jealousy is normal and natural, it has a biological function, just like falling in love. They are an emotional reaction that you have at a certain moment, but they are not something that defines you. Jealousy is a feeling that you can learn to manage.
2. Stop fighting them
They are not enemies, no feeling or emotion is. You are neither better nor worse for feeling them, neither good nor bad. You don’t have to hide that you feel jealous, just as you don’t have to hide that you feel sadness or nerves. Jealousy doesn’t make you weak, it doesn’t make you strong either. They simply make you human. Jealousy gives you information about yourself and you can see what to do with it.
3. Assume your emotional responsibility
Your emotions are yours, not others’. Jealousy is your way of reacting and that is not the other person’s fault. The way to address them is not by attacking the other, but by going deeper into yourself.
4. Identify the situations
In what situations do you feel jealous? What is happening right now? What triggers this feeling in you?
5. Identify your thoughts
What do you think about this situation? Maybe you anticipate the relationship ending? Do you feel that you are not enough for him or her and that your partner is going to realize it at some point? Do you compare yourself to your friends? Do you think there are people your partner will like more than you? Are you afraid that your partner will find a person who is prettier, more intelligent, more cultured, more mature, younger…? Try to be honest with yourself and recognize your internal dialogue. From there you can discover your insecurities.
6. Work on your self-esteem
If you have carefully analyzed the situations in which you feel jealous and have listened to your internal dialogue, you will surely have realized that jealousy is indeed your own insecurities. And you should know that insecurities are normal. Why am I so insecure? We have been educated in a competitive society that labeled and valued us based on external aspects. And all that is not something easy to change. However, the first step is to be aware of it and build healthy self-esteem. You must take into account the following points:
- No person is more or less than others.
- Each person is different, unique and incomparable to the others.
- The value of people does not depend on their physique, their income, their age, their academic qualifications… The value of a human being is in their goodness, in their ability to give love and contribute to others.
- All people have the same dignity.
- All people are worthy of love.
- You don’t need anyone, you are a complete being, you can choose the company that brings you, but you don’t need it.
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7. Examine your beliefs about relationships
Do you think your partner should always be with you? Do you think your partner should not hang out with his friends? Do you think social networks are to blame? What is infidelity for you? Ask yourself exactly what you believe about love and relationships and question it.
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8. Think about what is the worst that could happen
What exactly are you afraid of? What is the worst scenario you can imagine? Normally, when faced with this question, the answer is usually deception or infidelity. In this situation, you may also ask yourself what is the worst that could happen. The worst situation imaginable is usually the end of the relationship. Why are you so afraid of that situation? Due to the beliefs and false myths that exist around the couple. You must be clear about some points:
- Relationships usually end at some point. They may last more or less, but we must assume that there is always the possibility that the relationship will end.
- Even in the hypothetical case that your partner is unfaithful to you, you will be able to overcome it.
9. Practice relaxation techniques
When a situation triggers this intense and unpleasant emotion, practice relaxation exercises, such as diaphragmatic breathing or guided relaxation. At the end of the article we leave a guided relaxation so you can get started in a simple way. You can also find out about.
You can also try activities that distract and relax you, such as taking a walk, taking a shower, or calling a friend on the phone. Do not try to relieve emotions and emotional pain through patches such as alcohol, drugs, food, shopping, gambling… Because it can trigger a more serious problem. If you see that you cannot manage it yourself, do not hesitate to go to a professional.
10. Don’t play detective
Control is a fantasy. By investigating more, you don’t have greater control of the relationship. On the contrary, the more time you spend investigating and misinterpreting reality, the more you feed false beliefs and fears. Don’t check their things, or their social networks. Control is a paradox, the more you try to control, the more evidence you need to obtain to be calm.
11. Don’t confuse jealousy with love
Because, there are still people who believe that the expression of jealousy is love. Nothing is further from reality.
12. Respect their privacy
Always. Respect must be above everything. You should not spy on your phone, belongings, or private conversations. Your partner has the right to have their privacy, just as you have the right to have yours.
13. Respect your relationships
A healthy couple shares a common space, but also has an individual personal space. Furthermore, in a healthy relationship you are there by choice and with freedom. The couple is one area of life, but the healthiest thing is that you also have others, such as family, friendships, work, hobbies… Therefore, you must respect the other interpersonal relationships that the couple has, since whether with family, friends, co-workers…
14. Work on assertiveness
Learning to communicate assertively is vital to building a healthy relationship and, in general, to relate positively to other people. Through assertive communication, you can communicate to your partner how you feel and you can express your opinion, listening to and respecting your partner’s opinion. It is important to share each other’s opinions and considerations on important topics such as: what infidelity is, how much time you want to share, what expectations you have of the relationship…
15. Set limits if necessary
Once you have worked on yourself, you have seen the cause of jealousy, you have analyzed your internal dialogue, you have detected your irrational beliefs about relationships, you have learned relaxation techniques and you have turned your self-esteem into a solid foundation, it is time to Analyze if you feel good about your relationship. There are many types of relationships…