How to set limits for children It becomes a difficult task for many parents who confuse limits and rules with simply denying behavior. In many cases, this behavioral limitation involves the repression of basic needs for their development that can cause negative consequences in their physical, mental or emotional evolution.
From Psychology-Online we intend to clarify this issue a little to reduce the confusion and discomfort that parents experience on many occasions in this regard.
How to set limits for children without harming them
Setting limits for children involves making them understand and carry out certain “rules of conduct” whose main objective is avoid dangers, promote emotional self-regulation and be able to live together with others in a collaborative manner without giving up one’s own personal integrity. To set limits for children without harming them, it will be important to follow the following guidelines:
- Set standards under criteria of authority (vs authoritarianism), assertiveness (vs aggressiveness), emotional support, empathy and security.
- Establish the minimum necessary rules, offering the maximum possible freedom.
- The rules must be clearly established.
- The expression of emotions, including negative ones, must be allowed to, from then on, provide support to the child that favors his emotional self-regulation. In the following article you will find.
- The few rules must be firm, constant and consistent.
- They should be set with the objective of promoting responsibility and self-discipline in the child (as opposed to the blind obedience encouraged by authoritarian rules).
Guidelines for setting limits for sons and daughters
To establish clear limits for our sons and daughters, it is essential that we know the main characteristics of each stage of child development and adapt these rules to the developmental stage of our son or daughter. Between 2 and 6 years old, we must take into account what level of development they are at and set limits accordingly.
At the motor level
The limits must be respected and not interfere with their natural development of neuromuscular skills: walking, running, jumping, throwing the ball, etc.
On a cognitive level
- In communicating boundaries, we must take into account their use of symbolic function (imagination) and language development.
- When evaluating their behavior, we must differentiate between instrumental aggression (basic need) and hostile aggression.
- The establishment of any limit must recognize the egocentrism typical of this stage to carefully make him understand the rules of conduct.
- The assessment of their behaviors must respect the process of progressive construction of their identity that can lead children to processes of rebellion against certain norms, which do not go beyond a process of personal self-affirmation.
On an emotional level
- When evaluating a behavior, it is important to differentiate between focus on positive initiative of the child or in the guilt of the negative result achieved.
- The establishment of limits must reinforce the effort done so as not to provoke feelings of inferiority.
- The limits must consider and favor the socialization process that the child goes through.
- They must respect your process.
- The limits should consider the emotional lability typical of this stage (fear of monsters and darkness, importance of perceiving the world as a safe place, etc.).
Norms and limits in children from 2 to 3 years old
The fundamental thing in this stage of motor and sensory exploration will be to put limits that protect them from potential accidents. To set these limits it is important to speak in a way clear and firm, looking them in the eyes and making a little physical contact so that they attend to us. This is not the time to make long arguments since their rational functioning is in a primitive state and they are still immersed in sensitive functionality (immediately attending to sensitive, not so much rational, stimuli).
Tantrums are typical at this time, due to the process of personal self-affirmation. It is important that these are accompanied in a respectful manner without entering into power struggles or, on the other hand, tolerating aggressive behavior. Accompany tantrums from one’s own calmallows the child to return little by little to his center.
Norms and limits in children 4 to 5 years old
Children of 4 or 5 years old begin to understand that their actions have consequences. From here, it is important clarify which behaviors are allowed and which are not. It is not necessary to establish punishments since the consequence of the non-permissible behavior (the discrediting of the action by the parents, the displeasure it generates, etc.) may be convincing enough for the child not to do it or to regret it. having done it. There is a lot of debate regarding the use of punishment or reinforcements.
This is a very important moment to work on empathy and make them understand how their behavior can affect the emotions of the people around them and their own. This awareness will allow you to build internal criteria for behavioral regulation based on respect for others and for yourself.
Norms and limits in children from 6 to 7 years old
At this stage, children already show greater cognitive development, although this only addresses specific modalities. Therefore, it is important set the rules clearly so that children easily perceive the behaviors to be performed and the consequences of non-tolerated behaviors.
The standards will focus on behaviors that favor social relationships and skills and the progressive increase in responsibility with respect to tasks related to their evolutionary moment (their integration into a social group and their participation in it from a respectful and collaborative attitude.
It is important that the assumption of tasks is always encouraged within the parameters of integration of a greater degree of social responsibility and not from blind obedience, as we previously mentioned, which contributes a negative value to the performance of the task itself due to the frustration that generates doing something in an imposed way. In this way, the child learns to self-manage, assuming tasks as his own but freely organizing his time to carry them out. This fosters a feeling of security and confidence in his abilities.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
Bibliography
- Castro Villao, ZG, & Mendoza Valle, EDJ (2017). Influence of the relational dimension on the quality of development of norms and limits of coexistence in children aged 4 to 5 years (Bachelor’s thesis, University of Guayaquil Faculty of Philosophy, Letters and Educational Sciences).
- Díaz, M. (2019). Learning to live together: rules and limits for boys and girls. Recovered from: https://repositorio. idep. edu. co/handle/001/741.
- Wild, R. (2011). Freedom and limits. Love and respect: What children need from us. Herder Editorial.