Heartbreak is an intense and unpleasant feeling that arises after a relationship breakup or a romantic rejection. Heartbreak generates many doubts and causes severe pain that is often difficult to handle. However, the vast majority of people have gone through several breakups and have felt, faced and overcome heartbreak.
If you find yourself in this situation right now, it is normal for the emotional intensity to flood you and ask yourself how to get over heartbreak. Although each person is unique and each process is different, we can talk about some general guidelines and psychological advice that will help you cure heartbreak.
Resignation
The first step to facing a breakup is to give up, give up, stop fighting against a situation that cannot be changed. Relationships depend on all the people involved, therefore, it is not enough that you want to maintain the relationship with that person. If he or she doesn’t want to, there is nothing to do.
Continuing to fight and battle a situation that is beyond your control will only increase your obsession and decrease your self-esteem due to its continued rejection. In addition to wasting your energy and prolonging the discomfort.
Say goodbye and close pending issues
This is where the relationship has come. Whether it has been a longer or shorter relationship, more or less deep, more or less healthy… Be that as it may, it is no longer the time for reproaches, it is not the time to look for blame or to argue.
It is time to leave the past in the past and attend to the present. Thank you the pleasant moments experienced and the learning that you have been able to incorporate thanks to having shared time with this person. Close the issues that are pending between you, those things that you have in common or that keep you united.
Take distance
To get over a breakup, one of the most effective strategies is to apply zero contact until the pain decreases and you move towards acceptance. Taking distance means avoid contact, both physical and online. That means stopping seeing that person, both alone and in a group.
This point is quite complicated for people who work together or have children in common. In the first case, everything possible should be done to ensure that contact is minimal and that communication is strictly work-related and only when it is totally essential. The second case is more complex, but in the same way, a cordial relationship must be maintained only and exclusively. In this article you will find.
There are people who try to overcome unrequited love, maintaining the friendship. This is possible when love has ended on the part of both people and a friendship has been forged. However, If one of the two people wants a romantic relationship, friendship is not possible, since it will be very frustrating for her. Furthermore, there are people who say they want to maintain a friendship, motivated only by the fear of completely losing contact with that person, despite the suffering that the situation may entail. You need to be honest with yourself: if their rejection hurts you, you need to distance yourself.
Apply mental zero contact
Sometimes cutting off face-to-face contact is not enough. If time passes and you continue to think about that person in great pain, you may still be linked to him/her in some way. To apply mental zero contact, you must stop checking your social networks, publications, images…, everything that this person shares on the network. You should also ask your family and friends not to talk to you or tell you the news about this person.
Another issue to take into account is physical and digital memories, such as photographs, letters, objects… You can Store them somewhere out of your reach and sightso that there are no memory triggers that overwhelm you.
understand the pain
Why does heartbreak come? According to the , among our basic needs are the need for security and stability, the need for affiliation, affection and intimacy, and the need for esteem and recognition. The figure of the partner supports all these needs and, when this figure disappears, the person’s life can be destabilized.
We are social beings, we need the group, we need others. This is the answer to why unrequited love hurts so much. Feeling rejected makes us feel displaced and connects us with the fear of being alone. Human beings are afraid of loneliness, because in prehistoric times, being alone meant dying. The tribe was necessary to survive. Understanding how the mind works in a rejection situation helps us understand the pain we feel.
What is very important to understand is that romantic love has given the wrong weight to the relationship. All of our relationship and love needs can be met with other people, activities, projects, etc. In this article you can find.
On the other hand, we have the neurochemistry of falling in love. Falling in love is a physiological reaction: the release of dopamine, oxytocin and vasopressin in the presence of the person we like produces a feeling of relaxation, well-being and pleasure. If that person withdraws, the release of pleasurable hormones changes to hormones such as cortisol, the stress hormone. The brain suffers like a withdrawal syndrome. Therefore, unloving behaviors are impulsive, obsessive and compulsive like those of an addiction.
Understand the process
A heartbreak is still a loss, so overcoming a heartbreak will involve carrying out a grieving process. The phases of love mourning are the following:
- shock
- Denial
- Hostile reactions
- Blame
- Sadness
- Acceptance and reorganization
Therefore, It is normal to feel different emotions such as surprise, loneliness, emptiness, frustration, anxiety, sadness, disappointment, despair, disillusionment, apathy…Also having intrusive thoughts, longing to recover the relationship, crying… All of these are common symptoms of heartbreak. Going through the phases of grief takes time. Furthermore, the grieving process is not usually linear, nor is it the same for all people.
Don’t idealize
The mind tends to keep good memories in mind and forget the most unpleasant situations. It’s about a cognitive bias called affective bias fading (fading affect bias), which causes memories associated with unpleasant emotions to fade sooner and memories of good experiences to persist. It consists of a defense mechanism that helps us easily forget bad experiences, however, it can work against you when you try to get over a breakup.
Knowing that this effect exists, keep in mind that what you remember is distorted and that you miss a person and a relationship that are not exactly as you remember.
Make a list of reasons
How to overcome unrequited love? As we have mentioned, due to the needs we have as human beings and the cognitive biases that distort memories, it is easy to fall into wanting to reconnect. However, it is necessary to remain firm in the decision that has been made to separate from that person. To help us, we can use some resources such as writing a list with all the reasons why the relationship did not work and all the advantages that separation has. You can keep this list nearby for when you need to remember.
Lean on your loved ones
Talk, vent, share time with your family, friends and trusted people. Let yourself be helped. Showing yourself vulnerable does not make you weak at all, it requires a lot of strength and courage to show the most unpleasant emotions and express pain.
However, the ideal is not to constantly talk about the same topic. You can spend time together doing any activity whatever you want.
Change perspective
Although it may seem like a misfortune, it is a great gift when a person who doesn’t love you walks away from you. If a person does not love you, it is no luck that they are still by your side; it is possible that they are a source of frustration and suffering. That he walks away from you is a gift, it frees you. This way you can continue your life, you will have the opportunity to meet new people and the possibility of starting a relationship in which love is reciprocated.
Respect your time
As we have seen, overcoming a heartbreak is going through a grieving process, confronting fears, facing changes, changing expectations, redefining the idea of the future… It is a big change that requires time. Therefore, a large dose of patience and self-compassion is necessary. In addition, each process is different, so it is not beneficial to compare it with other people’s. Each person has their own rhythm and you must respect yours and not compare it with that of others. The chemical storm slowly calms down and little by little the brain returns to normal.
Work on your self-esteem
To overcome unrequited love, it is necessary to work on self-esteem, which can be affected after rejection. The need for love, acceptance and recognition is intrinsic to human beings, but it does not have to be covered through a partner. It is important to first build a healthy and stable self-esteem.
- know yourself: spend time with you and observe yourself.
- Observe your internal dialogue: listen to how you talk to yourself.
- Observe your beliefs: what you think about yourself and why.
- Reflect on who you are: describe yourself in the third person.
- Reflect on the value you give yourself and the why.
- Reflect on the image you are trying to show and what you try to hide.
- Don’t compare yourself: all people are unique and equally valuable.
- Keep your values in mind and respect them.
- : to respect both others and yourself.
Take care of yourself
During the process, it is very important that you practice self-care at all levels:
- Feeding: Try to maintain a healthy diet with stable schedules. It is normal for you to have variations in your appetite, respect your hunger signals, within a healthy range, avoiding fasting and binge eating. If you see that your diet is becoming unbalanced, do not hesitate to go to a professional.
- Dream: You need a restful sleep and the ideal is to sleep between 7 and 8 hours a day. It is normal to have difficulty falling asleep in an anxious and/or depressed mood. You can apply these and also consult with a professional.
- Physical activity: Performing physical activity on a daily basis is necessary for general health. In addition, it will help you generate endorphins and improve your mood.
- Emotional self-care: pay attention to your mood, allow yourself to express your emotions, take care of your internal language, surround yourself with people who bring you well-being…
- Leisure and relationships: You also need to spend time practicing hobbies and enjoying social relationships.
- Avoid self-destructive behaviors: to alleviate the pain, it is easy to use tobacco, alcohol, drugs, compulsive shopping, pathological gambling, compulsive sex, work… You should know that all of these are patches that will momentarily evade you from the pain, but they can cause serious problems. consequences in the medium and long term.
Trust yourself
Nature is wise and the body is prepared to face changes….