I am going through grief, a grief that I caused myself by having an abortion. I thought that aborting would be the best decision for the reason that I already have a 2-year-old child and I am 16 and my situation is not easy at all, I spent the days stuck because I did not know what to do with the pregnancy and the situation became It was even more desperate to see how my son’s father, who is 19 years old, could not assimilate that he was going to have another baby, he did not even work or eat in peace with this situation and at times I said yes, we can have it, let’s find a way out. Go ahead and in the others I said but I still don’t have a home, I don’t have dishes, I don’t work and my husband’s salary is not much, how do I do it?
Many people told me, but have him and then you can put him up for adoption, but I refused because I said I can’t live knowing that I have a child in another place that I don’t know.
And I decided to have an abortion thinking that I would have great relief and now I’m in the most terrible situation. I had an abortion that lasted almost 4 months and I can’t stop thinking about his little face, how small he was, I can’t stop remembering how he pulled his feet so cute little things about that baby when he left my side.
I feel guilty because I killed something that was mine, something that I was supposed to take care of and I didn’t, I killed one of my children, something so defenseless that it is not to blame for anything. Sometimes I think that I am not worthy of having the gift of being a mother.
I think that God will give me the worst punishment and that that child in the final judgment will judge me, I am afraid that I asked myself why my little brother does and I don’t and that kills me. I spend the days crying without knowing what to do, now I would like to turn back time and feel again how it moved in my belly and how its little heart beat but now I cannot and will never be able to because I decided to deprive the life of someone who did not decide to exist, who had no blame for nothing. I was someone selfish, I only thought about myself and that I was very young, that the years were going to be spent taking care of children and I was never going to enjoy that youth. I feel like the worst person in the world, I’m not even excited about having another baby because I know that I will always remember it.
I only ask God that one day he can forgive me and my son/daughter forgive me for interrupting his life cycle, forgive me for my immaturity and know that now that I don’t have him I realized how much I love him .
I’m so disappointed in myself.
(I never thought I could hurt something so defenseless)