Perhaps what surprises you most about this title is the conception of love as something that can be learned, but can you learn to love someone? Wasn’t love something you just felt? Love is an abstract, utopian, idealistic concept…, a feeling that each person feels in their own way, but loving, as a verb, is an action. An action so important, that has such a high impact, that it can change both your life and the lives of others. Loving is fundamental, therefore, in this Psychology-Online article we are going to discuss how to learn to love.
You learn to love
The verb to love comes from the idea of love, which is something very abstract and difficult to define. Love is something you think, feel and do: “I love you”, how do you know? “because I am sorry”. Love is something that ends up being expressed in small behaviors: you think about that person, you worry about them, you take care of them, you pamper them, etc. And like any behavior that goes beyond mere survival, it is learned.
We learn to love from a young age, having our family as a general model, but also movies, drawings, stories, series, etc. They all show us how love through the type of relationships they establish, how they interact, how they treat each other, how they talk to each other, how they react, etc., and also contribute to our values and beliefs and to the very concept of love. Some of these beliefs help us develop healthy relationships and others make this work difficult for us, which is why our models and learn to love well (which we will talk about later).
How to learn to love without attachments
Attachment is an inherent ingredient of love, therefore, it is impossible to learn to love without attachments. Loving a person is one of the consequences of having previously established a link with her. That bond is attachment, and there are different types.
It is very important because it determines how we love. Mary Ainsworth (Canadian psychologist well known for her contribution to attachment theory) argued that attachment is defined by the relationship with parents and that, subsequently, it conditions the types of relationships we establish. She differentiated four types of attachment:
- Secure attachment.
- Avoidant attachment.
- Ambivalent attachment.
- Disorganized attachment.
First, secure attachmentis what allows us establish healthy relationships and the others lead us to establish dysfunctional relationships. By detecting toxic behaviors in the relationship, we can avoid them and try to love better.
How to learn to love yourself
The first thing to be able to love others is to love yourself, learn to love your body and mind. If you do not love yourself well, you will not be able to love others well, but rather you will establish patterns of dependency or other toxic behaviors. And to love yourself well, aspects such as learning to love solitude, being well and at peace with yourself, liking yourself both physically and in the way you are, knowing how to be alone, not getting bored, etc. are essential. How to achieve all this? You can follow some of the following tips for loving yourself:
- Work on your self-esteem by following the advice we explain in the following article: .
- Find parts of your body that you like and highlight them.
- Exercise, it contributes to your emotional well-being, your health and your physical.
- Sleep well. Sleeping well also helps regulate your emotional state.
- Find positive aspects of yourself, your personality, your way of doing and thinking, etc., and enhance them.
- Change those aspects that you really don’t like or that cause you distress. At this point, you can always ask a professional for help.
- Feed your mind. Read, explore, watch documentaries, experiment, learn about what interests you most, etc.
- Do things you like. Spend time on your favorite hobbies and explore new ones.
- Pamper yourself. Treat yourself, do something for yourself, or even ask others to do something for you.
- Don’t be so demanding of yourself. Perfection does not exist, and that is something that must be kept in mind when demanding too much of yourself reaches the point that it does not even let you live.
- Express yourself. Not every day is good nor can we always be in a good mood, allow yourself to be bad and give yourself your time.
You can see more useful tips in the article.
How to learn to love well
In order to love well, apart from loving oneself, it is also important to have been loved well, to have had a secure attachment and examples of healthy relationships. In order to love well it is necessary:
- Get rid of romantic ideals. The romantic model of the perfect couple is instilled in us from a young age, it seems precious, but in reality it is plagued with toxic beliefs that must be eradicated (here I leave you some, but there are many more): there are no better halves, no one completes your self. But you are already a complete being and other people will be sources of reinforcement or susceptible to receiving your love, you do not need the other person to be happy, your happiness does not depend on anyone, jealousy is not a sign of love, it is a sign of possessiveness and insecurity, love cannot do everything, nor is it an excuse to put up with intolerable attitudes or unnecessary suffering, the myth of exclusivity (loving one person does not mean that you cannot like others or feel attracted to them) .
- Know oneself. It is important to know yourself well, just as it is to love yourself, to know what you want, what you like and what you don’t, how you react, how you think, how you feel, etc., to be able to express it and so that others can also know you.
- Be faithful to what you think and feel. You should not abide by what is established because yes, there are many types of relationships and having one or another does not mean that you love more or less, or better or worse. You must know yourself, know what your limits are and establish the relationship with which you feel most comfortable.
- Wanting to know the other person. Have a genuine interest in her and really get to know her, learn from her and with her.
- Set limits. Boundaries are important in any relationship, both to preserve your life and not fall into dynamics of dependency or harassment, and to keep the relationship healthy.
- Respect the other. Respect her limits, her desires, her feelings, her freedom, treat her well and respect her as a person.
- To love is not to possess. Nobody belongs to you and you belong to nobody. We should all be free people who freely decide to be together.
- Loving is not depending. And if you find it, it is important to start by returning to the point of loving yourself.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to How to learn to lovewe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Fromm, E., & Rosenblatt, N. (1982). The art of loving: An investigation into the nature of love. Paidós.
- Goicoechea, PH (2017). Educating joy. Desclée De Brouwer.
- Shaffer, D.R., & Kipp, K. (2017). Developmental psychology: Childhood and adolescence. W. Ross MacDonald School Resource Services Library.