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In recent years, research has increased on what parenting skills allow children to learn to self-soothe and thus acquire emotional regulation skills. These skills allow us to obtain a greater sense of control and personal mastery, improve interpersonal relationships and promote problem solving. In children, they also reinforce the father’s emotional regulation (coregulation), which favors mutual connection.
Deficits in the capacity for self-regulation are common in several mental health disorders and usually have their origin in early childhood, therefore early interventions are crucial for prevention.
Likewise, the process of skill acquisition occurs through behavior modelingwhich is possible to be learned and trained, just as when we learn to ride a bicycle or play an instrument.
This article, written by and published in , practically develops some of the parenting skills to use not only during an episode of emotional dysregulation but also before and after it, promoting the decoding of situations and problems. It also highlights some of the characteristics of the context required for the skills to be effective, a context whose “setting” -or armed- is also the responsibility of the caregiver.
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Just as the foundations of a construction can determine its future stability, similarly depending on how we read situations and intervene as parents with our behaviors at this stage of life, we can achieve significant differences in the quality of life of our children.
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Many children have difficulty regulating their emotions. Doing, having outbursts, complaining, challenging, fighting – these are all the behaviors you see when children experience powerful feelings they can’t control. While some children have learned to act out because they are given what they want (attention or iPad time), other children have trouble staying calm because they are unusually sensitive.
The good news is that it is a skill that can be taught.
What is deregulation?
“than those of their peers, siblings, or cousins,” explains Lindsey Giller, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “Not only do they feel things more intensely and quickly, but they are often slower to calm down.” Unusually strong feelings can also make a child more prone to impulsive behaviors.
When children are overwhelmed by feelings, Dr. Giller adds, the emotional side of the brain is not communicating with the rational side, which normally regulates emotions and plans the best way to deal with a situation. Experts call it being “deregulated.” It is not effective to try to reason with a child who is dysregulated. To discuss what happened, you must wait until a child’s rational faculties are back “online.”
Rethink emotions
Parents can start by helping children understand how their emotions work. Children don’t go from calm to sobbing on the floor in an instant. That emotion built over time, like a wave. by noticing and labeling your feelings earlier, before the wave becomes too big to handle.
Some children hesitate to recognize negative emotions. “Many children grow up thinking that anxiety, sadness, and sadness are bad emotions,” says Stephanie Samar, PsyD, a clinical psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. But naming and accepting these emotions is “a foundation for problem-solving about how to manage them.”
Parents can also minimize negative feelings, Dr. Samar notes, because they want their children to be happy. But children need to learn that we all have a variety of feelings. “You don’t want to create a dynamic where just being happy is good,” she says.
Model handling difficult feelings
“For younger children, it’s helpful for you to describe your own feelings and model how you handle them,” Dr. Samar says. “They hear you strategizing about your own feelings, when you’re nervous or frustrated, and how you’re going to handle it, and they can use these words.”
For kids who feel those big emotions creeping up in intensity, you can help them practice recognizing their emotions and model doing it yourself. Try to rate the intensity of your emotions from 1 to 10, where 1 is calm and 10 is furious. If you forget something you meant to take to Grandma’s house, you might acknowledge that you’re feeling frustrated and say you’re on a 4. It may seem a little silly at first, but it teaches kids to stop and notice what they’re doing. feeling.
If you see them starting to get angry about something, ask them what they are feeling and how upset they are. Are they at a 6? For some younger children, a visual aid such as a feeling thermometer might help.
Validate your child’s feelings
It is a powerful tool that helps children calm down when you communicate that you understand and accept what they are feeling. “Validation shows acceptance, which is not the same as agreeing,” explains Dr. Giller. “He’s not judging. And he’s not trying to change or fix anything.” Feeling understood, she explains, helps children release strong feelings.
Effective validation means giving your child your full attention. “You want to be totally in tune so you can notice her body language and her facial expressions and really try to understand her perspective,” Dr. Samar says. “It can be helpful to reflect and ask, ‘Am I getting this right?’ Or if you’re not really understanding it, it’s okay to say, ‘I’m trying to understand.'”
Helping children by showing them that you are listening and trying to understand their experience can help prevent explosive behavior when a child is throwing a tantrum.
Actively ignore
Validating feelings does not mean paying attention to bad behavior. Ignoring behaviors such as complaining, arguing, inappropriate language, or outbursts is one way to reduce the chances of these behaviors recurring. It is called “actively” because it is visibly drawing attention.
“It involves turning your face, and sometimes your body, away from the room when your child is engaging in minor negative behaviors in order to withdraw your attention,” explains Dr. Giller. “But the key to its effectiveness is that, as soon as your child does something that you can praise, return your attention to him.”
Positive attention
The . As Dr. Giller says: “It’s like candy for her children.” Positive attention will increase the behaviors you are focusing on.
When you are trying to form a new behavior for your child, you want to praise him and give him a lot of attention. “So really, really focus on that,” adds Dr. Giller. “Be sincere, enthusiastic and genuine. And be sure to be very specific, to make sure your child understands what you are praising.”
When helping your child deal with an emotion, watch for efforts to calm down, no matter how small. For example, if your child is in the middle of a tantrum and you see him taking a deep breath, you can say, “I like that you took a deep breath,” and join him in taking deep breaths together.
Clear expectations
Another key way to help prevent children from becoming dysregulated is to make your expectations clear and follow consistent routines. “It’s important to keep those expectations very clear and short,” says Dr. Samar, and convey expected rules and behaviors when everyone is calm. A reliable structure helps children feel in control.
When change is inevitable, it is good to give advance notice. The are particularly difficult for children who have problems with major emotions, especially when it means stopping an activity in which they are very involved. Providing warning before a transition occurs can help them feel more prepared. “We’re going to sit down to dinner in 15 minutes, so you’ll need to turn off your game then,” suggests Dr. Giller. It can still be difficult for them to comply, but knowing what comes next helps children feel more in control and calmer,” she explains.
Give options
When children are asked to do things they probably aren’t excited about, giving them options can reduce tantrums and increase compliance. For example: “You can come with me to buy food or you can go with dad to pick up your sister.” Or: “You can get ready for bed now and we can read a story together or you can get ready for bed in 10 minutes and no story.”
“Giving two options reduces negotiation that can create tension,” suggests Dr. Samar.
Cope in advance
Pre-coping is planning ahead for something that you predict may be an emotionally challenging situation for your child or both of you. It means talking about what will happen when you are both calm, being direct about negative emotions that may arise, and strategizing how to overcome it.
If a girl was upset the last time she went to Grandma’s house because she wasn’t allowed to do something she could do at home, coping with the next visit early would be to acknowledge that you saw that she was frustrated and angry, and to talk about how she You can handle those feelings. Together you could think of something she is allowed to do at Grandma’s house that she can have fun doing.
Talking about stressful situations beforehand helps avoid tantrums. “If you set up a plan in advance, you increase the likelihood that you will end up in a positive situation,” says Dr. Samar.
Troubleshooting
If a child throws a tantrum, parents often hesitate to mention it later, Dr. Samar notes. “It’s natural to want to leave that behind. But it is good to review what happened briefly, without judging.”
Revisiting a previous event, say a tantrum at the toy store, causes the child to think about what happened and from there strategize about what could have been done differently. If you can come up with one or two things that could have led to a different outcome, your child might remember them the next time he starts to feel overwhelmed.
Five special minutes a day
Even a small amount of time reliably set aside, every day, for mom or dad to do something of a child’s choice can help manage stress at other times of the day. It’s a time for positive connection, without parental orders, ignoring…