Growing up means transcending the masks that we create as a shield to understand that others –and especially our children– have their own shortcomings and need our emotional availability.
A shell against helplessness
There is something that all of us have in common: We have all been born of a mother, we have all had a childhood and we have all experienced an abyss between what we expected to receive in comfort, arms, milk, presence, gaze, availability, care and attention… and what we really experience.
Everyone, when we were babies and then as little children, we were forced to deploy certain survival strategieseven in situations of affective deficiency, emotional helplessness, lack of love or understanding of the reality of the child we were.
We develop this ‘strategy’ through attitudes, behaviors and ways of relating that were useful to us: some of us were more courageous to win the first battles; others, more passive to generate compassion; Others of us resort to illnesses, or to fill ourselves with food, or to evade reality and live in a bubble of fantasy…
All these attitudes had a clear purpose: to obtain love to survive homelessness and without suffering too much.
This is how we created our “character”, with which we have faced the circumstances of life. All of us have used –and continue to use– that “character”, which we take care of as if it were our greatest treasure; the character –or “mask”– has been our main refuge, and it is not a small thing when we are children. It is our armor against helplessness.
The problem is that we become adults and continue to believe that we must face the world with the same childish tools that served us in the past.
And for the latter we cling even more to our shell.
- if we are the “amazon” who defends just causes tooth and nail, we will be raised to any cause, our own or others.
- if we are the “weak sick” asthma, we will face events from weakness and not being able to take care of anything.
- if we are the “addicted to evasion”there we will go with our toxic substances to be above reality.
What is striking is that, being adults, we continue to play the same game as when we were children.
And it turns out that when we discovered that this character with whom we have bonded and those breastplates that we always wear attached to avoid suffering were put on us by mom, dad, paternal grandfather or whoever…, We believe that the fault lies with that family member.
Here begins the most thankless task: recognize that we have dedicated a large part of our vital energy to polishing, beautifying, embellishing and completing the armor that allowed us to survive in the past, because at that moment we needed it more than the air we breathed.
Without our character, without our “refuge”, we did not know how to live. But to this day we still do not know who we are, nor what new resources we have, nor do we know how to relate to others, nor how to work, make love or uphold our morals.
It is clear that, without our armor, we dare not even open the door of the house.
For this reason, when a therapist shows us how that armor and how we have played the family scenes that today perhaps cause us more suffering than love, we get angry and we started to defend our mother saying: “Something good he must have done; After all, I am a good engineer, I have three children, a loving wife and a master’s degree in the United States”. Yes of course.
understand our character
All the good that our mother has done is very good and we really appreciate that and for that we love it, but we’re trying to identify the benefits we got from the shell to understand why it’s so hard for us to get rid of it, so let’s get back to it.
What we need now is to detect our armorhow it works and, above all, what it was used for in the past.
Only then can we glimpse everything that same shell prevents us from doing today. The advantages and disadvantages of that childish character.
- If I am the “amazon” –or the “warrior”– and that armor allowed me not to be afraid when I was a girl or a boy, today that same character prevents me from relating affectionately and gently with others. I’m used to distrust and to always be on the warpath even with my children. Maybe I complain that nobody feels sorry for me. But what happens is that it is not easy for others to detect a crack in a warrior or an Amazon.
- If as a child I took refuge in the disease In order to obtain permanent care and attention, today that same thing can reduce the strength of a relationship or friendship. If I become aware of it, I will be able to recognize that I am not capable of being generous not even with my own children and that it is time to give something positive and nourishing to others.
- If my greatest refuge has been addictions to alleviate my sorrows, perhaps today I can realize that in my world there was only my own satisfactions and that, if I put aside my armor, Iopen that others also need to be taken into consideration. Otherwise, my children will be trapped in my life.
- If I have lived building my own fantasy so as not to suffer, today I it will seem that fate is against me and that many events take place around me that I cannot foresee or understand, simply because I have not been in the habit of looking around with attention and interest.
In this way, little by little, we can recognize the degree of protection that the armor has given us, but also the disadvantage of remaining “armored”.
Getting rid of the shells is so hard that the movements usually go forwards and backwards.
In critical situations, it is to be expected that we cling to our suit again, as if we were saying: “yes, I am superman and I don’t care what other people think”. In moments when we feel fragile, we go back into our childhood cave.
This means that we put our armor back on and lock ourselves in. It is useless for others to try to get us out of there. It is better to understand that times are very personal and that, now, we need to “return to the shelter”, well… how lucky we are! There is no rush to make moves.
How to change our character
What is the use of getting rid of those childish breastplates that have protected us for so long? In truth, it is a personal decision, related to our intention to mature.
birthday does not mean necessarily become more mature people. But looking honestly at our past, acknowledging our weaknesses, being aware of who we may be hurting if we remain in our childhood shelters, and making the decision to also prioritize the needs or desires of others… that is maturity.
No one is forced to be mature, but we can affirm that this world needs responsible people.
Unfortunately, there are many adults who we continue to live from the emotional fear we had when we were children. And if we continue like this, always seeking shelter, protection and understanding, we will leave no room for those who are children today.
Our challenge is to understand the helplessness experienced as children and to recognize that we have emotional resources that we did not have then to make those armors obsolete.