Studies indicate that, for women, feeling desired by their partners is important in terms of sexual arousal. However, gender norms in heterosexual relationships tend to downplay this same factor with respect to men, that is, when it comes to male sexual arousal it is not so relevant that the man feels desired by the partner (it turns out interesting to think about what underlies gender norms that legitimize the exercise of male sexuality, whether desired or not by the other person). Men’s desire is supposed to be simple, direct and superficial.
Questioning this context, a team of researchers decided to study male sexual desire in greater depth and found that, contrary to what is established by the prevailing gender norms and standards, feeling desired is of great importance for almost all men in their sexual experiences. , who at the same time maintain that there are things their partners can do. to help them feel desired (Murray & Brotto, 2021).
What methodology did they use?
The study sample consisted of 300 men in heterosexual relationships who answered open-ended questions about their sexual desirability.
The men were between 18 and 65 years old and the duration of their romantic relationships ranged from 7 months to 45 years. In an online questionnaire, they were asked how important it was to them to be desired by their partner. They were then asked to describe the things their partner currently does to make them feel desired and whether there are more things their partner could do to help them feel desired.
What did you find
Almost all men (95%) indicated that feeling desired by their partner was important to them. Men used different words to express the importance of feeling desired: the majority of them (58%) specified that it was “very important” to them, another 20% said it was “extremely important,” and 8% used even stronger terms. as “primary”.
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When asked what their partners were currently doing to make them feel desired, 41% described the ways their partners expressed their attraction verbally, 34% mentioned that their partners initiated physical contact, 28% mentioned that their partners began physical activity and 19% described their partners as enthusiastic/excited during sex.
Next, 88% of men said there were things their partners could do to help them feel more desired. Nearly half of men (49%) suggested they wish their partners were more assertive/dominant during sex. Additionally, 17% wanted their partners to initiate sex more frequently, 15% wanted their partners to clearly communicate their sexual needs and desires, and 14% simply craved more sexual interest from their partners.
Interestingly, when describing things their partners might do to show their sexual desire, many men described more romantic than sexual actions. For example, 18% of men wanted more romance from their partners, 16% wanted more non-sexual contact, and 19% suggested they wanted more flirting (joking, hints) from their partners.
Examples included their partner rubbing their feet, giving them a kiss in passing, hugging them on the couch, or telling them they looked cute or sexy.
The results go against the notion that feeling sexually desired is not important to men’s sexual experiences. In fact, only 5% said that feeling desired was not particularly important to them. Themes in men’s responses also suggested that they wanted to feel more desired by their partners and that they wanted their partners to take more initiative during sex. The findings may be evidence of men’s desire for more equal sexual experiences where both women and men show desire, initiative and enthusiasm for sex.
This study was limited to the study of sexual desire in heterosexual men. The authors point out that it would be useful for future studies to consider similarities or differences in the ways in which men of different sexualities experience sexual desirability.
“I was particularly interested in how those of us who grew up and identified as men interact with those of us who were raised and identify as women when it comes to sex,” they said. This is because men and women continue to receive very gender-specific sexual messages and it is interesting to question what is imposed on us. However, that means that the findings of this study may not be applicable to men who do not date women or who do but do not identify as heterosexual.
Bibliographic reference: Murray, S.H., & Brotto, L. (2021). I Want You to Want Me: A Qualitative Analysis of Heterosexual Men’s Desire to Feel Desired in Intimate Relationships. In Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy (Vol. 47, Number 5, pp. 419-434). https://doi.org/
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