Feeling alone as a couple: why and what to do

When we think of someone as lonely, we almost always imagine a person who is literally alone and has no friends, family, partner, etc. However, it is possible to feel alone despite having family, friends, even in the context of a relationship. For many people, being in a relationship means that we can always count on the company, support and love of our life partner. From sharing our worries to the comfort of a hug, we expect a relationship to provide us with closeness, mutual affection, and deep rapport. However, what we don’t expect is to feel alone in that relationship.

If you’re in a relationship but have started to feel lonely, you may be wondering what caused it and how to fix it. In this Psychology-Online article we explain Why do I feel lonely being in a relationship and what to do.

Feeling alone as a couple, why does it happen?

Loneliness as a couple can be due to different causes depending on the members of the couple, the dynamics of the relationship and the specific circumstances of the moment. Generally, loneliness as a couple occurs due to one or more of the following causes:

• Lack of emotional connection: Feeling alone as a couple is due to the fact that the relationship is not working as well as before. Perhaps the emotional connection has faded or one of the members of the couple has distanced themselves from the other. Emotional disconnection occurs when we no longer feel important to our partner and feel ignored and neglected.
• Lack of vulnerability in the couple: Not talking about feelings or sharing important aspects of your life can make you feel alone as a couple. Loneliness takes root when you are physically close to your partner, but they are unaware of the most personal and vulnerable aspects about you. So, being with someone and feeling lonely may be because you feel that your relationship is not a safe space to share vulnerable aspects about yourself.
• Starting a relationship out of fear of being alone: If you say “I love my partner, but I feel alone” it may be because, at the time, you started the relationship because you felt alone. If so, you should know that a relationship that is born from loneliness usually causes greater feelings of loneliness. Getting into a relationship to escape loneliness can cause you to pair up with the wrong person, since you are simply looking for company and not a truly satisfying relationship.
• Genetic predisposition: a person’s personality traits and personal history can be the cause of feeling alone as a couple. A 2017 study published in Nature showed that loneliness can be a hereditary trait and that there are certain people who are genetically predisposed to feeling lonely throughout their lives.
• Disparate goals, expectations and values: When a couple has very different objectives, goals, and values, it is normal for both to feel confused, frustrated, and sometimes hopeless. A person usually feels alone when they perceive that what they care about and value is not important to their partner.
• Unmet needs: When a partner does not satisfy our emotional, spiritual and/or sexual needs, it is normal to feel that you are alone even when you have a partner. If this occurs, it is common to have the tendency to satisfy those needs in other places or with other people.
• Feelings of betrayal: If you have ever felt alone being in a relationship, it may be because you feel that someone has betrayed you, whether with lies, infidelity or other situations that generate distrust. This feeling can be aggravated if you do not feel respected and there is no trust in the relationship. If this happens to you, we recommend reading this article about.
• Taking the relationship for granted: When one of the members of the couple takes the relationship for granted, it usually indicates that they do not fully appreciate or value the other person. In this situation, lack of attention, not making plans together, lack of gratitude or not taking into account the feelings and needs of the partner may manifest. This can erode the relationship and, without a doubt, contributes to a person feeling alone when in a relationship.
• Conflict avoidance: One or both partners may feel that they cannot safely share or talk about relationship problems. In this situation, it is common to feel alone as a couple. In fact, when conflicts cannot be resolved effectively, their avoidance often deeply damages the couple. To prevent this from happening, it is important to learn how to.

What happens if you feel alone being in a relationship?

Some people may silence and minimize their experience for fear of being judged or ridiculed. If you feel lonely being in a relationship, you can do the following:

• Compare your relationship with others to check if the same thing happens to others too. For example, on Valentine’s Day you had a nice dinner and enjoyed an intimate moment with your partner. But then you check the social media of other people who have been given flowers and jewelry. This comparison causes you doubts about the importance you have for your partner and ends up distancing you from them.
• Causes conflicts and misunderstandings: Fights may become more frequent due to lack of connection and mutual understanding. This can foster unhappiness in the relationship, search for support and affection from third parties, and ultimately, the breakup of the relationship.

Although loneliness is difficult to manage on its own, when you are in a relationship this can be even more complicated. Loneliness within the couple It’s a very painful thing to experience.. In Western culture, there is a shared belief that marriage and intimate relationships protect us from loneliness, so feeling lonely when in a relationship can become taboo and difficult to accept.

What to do when you are with someone and you feel alone

Loneliness as a couple does not have to be a condemnation to unhappiness and resentment. If you are with someone and feel alone, there are different ways to deal with this situation.

1. Identify the root of your loneliness: The first step may be to ask yourself if your partner makes you feel emotionally fulfilled and yet you can’t help but feel lonely. If this is the case, it’s probably something more internal than the relationship itself. Take a closer look at your past relationships to determine if the feelings you are experiencing are a pattern and not an isolated occurrence in your current relationship.
2. Address your feelings: If your partner is really doing his or her part to make you feel satisfied and, despite this, you feel alone as a couple, perhaps you need to face your internal discomfort. You can also seek help from a therapist to help you reflect on your behavior patterns and how they affect your relationship. If you want to feel more comfortable with your loneliness, don’t avoid it. Face it and you will find out what you need to feel better.
3. Express your needs and take into account those of your partner: Expressing your needs is not something selfish, but rather it is something that will nourish your relationship. Have a conversation with your partner and tell them how you feel. It is important that when you do this you do not accuse him or her and use calm language. Then listen to their point of view and, in this way, you can discover what is damaging your relationship and how to solve it.
4. Spend quality time with your partner: In order not to feel alone as a couple, it is vital that you find time to be together. This is even more relevant to dealing with . Make sure that the time you dedicate to your partner is really quality time. As much as possible, make it fun, enjoyable, and/or diverse.
5. Review common goals, values ​​and expectations: It is very likely that if you feel alone as a couple, she also feels the same way. Therefore, it is important to consider if you have grown apart, if there used to be more emotional connection before, or if the goals and expectations of the relationship have changed for each of you. In that case, it is necessary to analyze whether you are going in the same direction or accept that you are no longer on the same path.
6. Ask for professional help: If you feel stuck on certain issues, or have difficulty communicating effectively with your partner, it is highly recommended to go to a therapist to find solutions and prevent the relationship from deteriorating. There are couples therapies that can help you get your relationship back in the right direction.

This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.

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References

1. Gao, J., Davis, L.K., Hart, AB, Sanchez-Roige, S., Han, L., Cacioppo, J.T., & Palmer, AA (2017). Genome-wide association study of loneliness demonstrates a role for common variation. Neuropsychopharmacology, 42(4), 811-821.

Bibliography

• Helm, P.J., Greenberg, J., Park, Y.C., & Pinel, E.C. (2019). Feeling alone in your subjectivity: Introducing the state trait existential isolation model (STEIM). Journal of Theoretical Social Psychology, 3(3), 146-157.
• Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P.R. (2007). Attachment in Adulthood: Structure, Dynamics and Change1st.