Sometimes, when we feel overwhelmed by our emotions, they dominate us and make us act in a very different way than we would if we were calm. At we want to help you avoid situations like this, and that is why we explain What is emotional self-control and how can you improve it?.
What is emotional self-control
He emotional self-control is the ability to manage emotions that we feel so that they do not take over us and, consequently, our behavior.
It is generally thought that emotions are innate impulses and therefore uncontrollable. However, one of the areas of emotional intelligence is precisely emotional self-control, meaning that you can work and therefore control the appropriate expression of emotions.
Emotional self-control does not only contemplate negative emotions such as anger or sadness, but also encompasses an appropriate expression of any negative or positive emotion that, if not controlled, can make us act in a harmful or unbeneficial way. For example, joy is a desirable and positive emotion, but there are circumstances in which it is not advisable to express it openly out of respect or politeness.
How to have emotional self-control
To have emotional self-control it is essential:
- Know the emotions. We cannot control something we do not know, therefore the first step to having emotional self-control is to know emotions and how they manifest in us. They are called that precisely because they are universal. In general, they are easy to recognize and common in different cultures. But it is possible that each person experiences them in a unique way, perceiving signals or sensations particular to each individual.
- Identify emotions. Knowing emotions is not the same as identifying them. Knowing how to identify emotions when they appear is necessary to be able to manage them. When something seems unfair or frustrates us, anger usually appears. Then, and it depends on the person, we will notice how our heart rate accelerates or we will feel hot, for example. Those sensations that the emotion provokes in us will help us identify it.
- Find out what causes the emotion we want to control. He worked with the premise that the emotions that negatively affect us occur because we have a wrong belief system about ourselves, others, and the world. In his theory, he explains how an event (A) activates our thoughts or beliefs (B) which cause our emotions (C).
- Change thoughts or beliefs. As Ellis proposes, by identifying these erroneous thoughts or beliefs and changing them for more real and adaptive ones, we can control our emotions.
How to improve emotional self-control
To improve emotional self-control we must increase our . As we have seen in the previous section, it is necessary to know and identify emotions in order to control them.
Meditation in general is beneficial for improving emotional self-control. It is a therapy that consists of training attention to be aware of what is happening in us and feel it fully. It is a highly recommended practice in managing emotions because it allows consciously experience them and that helps us accept and identify them.
The change in our belief system and the modification of limiting thoughts proposed by REBT (rational emotive behavioral therapy) is the one that has the best long-term results in the management of emotions.
And finally, learn to accept The fact that there are things that we cannot change will mean that they affect us to a lesser extent.
Emotional self-control techniques
The most used techniques for emotional self-control are the following:
1. Relaxation techniques
Emotions activate our body. That is why relaxation is a widely used technique in emotional self-control. It can be very effective if there is prior training that allows it to be done in a few seconds. Below I explain how to do it:
- Dominant hand and forearm: Make a fist and squeeze it tightly as if you were going to punch.
- Dominant biceps: leaving your hand relaxed, try to touch the shoulder with your wrist, or squeeze the biceps as if you wanted to gain muscle.
- Non-dominant hand and forearm: make a fist and squeeze it tightly as if you were going to punch.
- Non-dominant biceps: leaving your hand relaxed, try to touch the shoulder with your wrist, or squeeze the biceps as if you wanted to gain muscle.
- Forehead: raises eyebrows as if wrinkling the forehead
- Eyelids: close your eyes by squeezing them
- Nose and upper cheeks: wrinkle your nose as if making a disgusted face.
- Jaw, lower cheeks and tongue: Clench your teeth, tensing your entire mouth and press your tongue against the roof of your mouth.
- Neck and throat: try to touch your chin to your chest. He pushes the backrest with his head.
- Shoulders and upper back: Stretch your shoulders back and then forward as if you want to touch each other.
- Chest: take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds…. Now let it out hard.
- Abdomen: Shrink or squeeze your stomach as if you were going to receive a punch.
- Lower back: arch your back as if you wanted to stick out your abdomen.
- Dominant leg: stomp hard, pushing off the ground. Lying down: stretch your legs and feet.
- Non-dominant leg: stomp hard, pushing off the ground. Lying down: stretch your legs and feet.
Once the above is mastered, we move on to relaxing larger areas and so on until we can relax our entire body in a few seconds.
Relaxation is highly indicated when the emotion to be controlled is very activating, such as anxiety.
2. Self-instructions
The self-instructions are positive affirmations that we use to guide us when we face a difficult situation. The technique requires making your own list of affirmations before facing the problematic situation. They should always be written positively, be feasible and not too long.
Examples self-instructions would be: “I can control the emotions I am feeling”, “I respond in a rational and non-emotional way”, “I choose how what happens to me affects me”…
In the following article you can see more about it.
3. Empathy
On this occasion we will use empathy to see the situation from the perspective of the person to whom we associate the emotion. The technique consists, as its name indicates, of put yourself in the other person’s shoes. When we begin to notice the emotion, in a similar way to how we will stop thinking, we will transform into the other person as if we were actors. We will then try to take into account everything related to him or her in order to understand her behavior.
Let’s see an example: Your friend Sandra is always late. Today you met for dinner and you’ve been waiting at the restaurant for 15 minutes. You think people are watching you and that bothers you. You begin to notice heat and tension. You then try to use empathy and put yourself in Sandra’s shoes. You then realize that she leaves work late and that may influence her tardiness. You know her family and you know that they usually entertain her and that can also play a role. Also, you know that it is difficult to park near the restaurant and that is also something to keep in mind. Your activation is decreasing and you smile again thinking about the good time you are going to have.
4. Stopping thought
This technique consists of stopping the thoughts that are causing the emotion just when we notice that it begins to appear. We can use the word “stop”, “for”, “enough”, or another similar word. It can be said out loud or we can say it to ourselves without having to say it. With a little training it can be very effective. It is a technique widely used in psychology for recurring thoughts associated with some disorders.
Let’s see an example with a positive emotion: imagine that you are taking a competitive exam that you have been waiting for all year. The classroom is packed and not a sound can be heard. All your classmates are focused on their exam and that funny thing that happened to you in the morning comes to mind. Thoughts about what happened appear one after another and it begins to be difficult for you to hold back your laughter… stop! You stop the thoughts and return to reality. Once the emotion is controlled, you continue with your exam as before.
Emotional self-control exercises
Two exercises to practice emotional self-control are explained below:
1. Emotional diary
Record your emotions in an emotional journal. As strange as it may seem to you to dedicate time at the end of the day to write down the emotions we have felt and what caused them It will be of great help to us in its control. Let’s say that we will become experts in our emotions, the way they affect us depending on what happens to us and how we usually react to certain circumstances. For example:
- Today I felt frustrated when I couldn’t find a parking space when I came home and that also made me respond badly to my son when he was telling me how his day had gone.
- In the morning at the office I felt very embarrassed when my boss told me that my report had errors. Feeling this way has made it difficult for me to concentrate at work for the rest of the day.
2. Mindfulness
Gather thoughts that awaken a specific emotion in you and try to hold it for a while without judging it, just feel it. This exercise takes some of the power away from negative emotions. Although there are some that are not pleasant, experiencing them for a while consciously makes you see that they really can’t hurt you as much as you thought. For this exercise you can also use a book, a movie or music that evokes the chosen emotion.
For example: Play that movie that you haven’t seen again because you couldn’t stop crying. Immerse yourself in the story and let the sadness wash over you to experience it consciously.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Emotional self-control: exercises, techniques and exampleswe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Buela-Casal, G. Sierra, JC (2009). Manual of psychological evaluation and treatments. Madrid: New Library.
- Ellis, A. (2007). Control her anger before she controls you. Barcelona: Paidós.