When babies do not feel wanted and wanted from the beginning of their life, it leaves a deep imprint on his personality. These people carry with them for life a permanent sensation of loneliness and also a feeling of being intruders, of living a life that does not correspond to them.
One of the basic needs of the human being is the feeling of belonging to a community. During our evolution, we have survived thanks to teamwork and mutual care of all members of the tribe.
In the past, when this shared support failed, the survival of all members of the group was in jeopardy. In fact, until very recently, one of the worst punishments imposed on those who broke the rules of the group was banishment. This was almost the equivalent of a death sentence. A single person was much less likely to survive than a team working together.
In our days, This need to belong is still very present in our genetics. When we are babies, we need to feel protected in order to grow and develop fully. If a newborn does not feel wanted and if, furthermore, as he grows up, this idea of not being wanted is repeated and reinforced by his family, the feeling of helplessness that develops is absolute.
Today I wanted to bring to this blog the dramatic case of Verónica, a girl who was always made to know that she had not been wanted. How did this affect you emotionally?
How it affects being an unwanted child
Verónica’s reason for consultation was not a typical case of anxiety, depression or a phobia. She I was seeking therapy for a general feeling of dissatisfaction and . He couldn’t clearly define it in words, but he felt that it affected him in all areas of his life: at work, with his family, and in relationships with his partner.
- Job: Although she was highly valued by her bosses and colleagues, she she always felt like an intruder unworthy of the praise she received.
- Couple relationships: The different partners she had had, most of them study or work colleagues, had taken advantage of her to advance their professional careers and had abandoned her when they could no longer get any more benefit from her.
- Family: With his family he always felt a internal pressure to prove that it was valid. She had achieved a higher professional level than any other of her brothers or cousins, but she felt that it was never enough for them to look good on her and value her.
When, in therapy, we began to talk about his personal history, one of the ideas that appeared repeated in all the periods of his life was that of Not having been a wanted girl. Whether in a joking tone or in the heat of an argument, her parents always let her know that her birth was not planned or wanted.
feel like an intruder
Veronica was the youngest of all her siblings. She was born eight years after her sister who preceded her, due to an “oversight” by her parents, as she was constantly told.
“You are a silly mistake, an oversight because of some drinks” It was one of the phrases that Verónica heard the most in her childhood.
From his earliest memories, Verónica told me that she had never felt integrated into her family. He always had to wear his brothers’ reused clothes. If she ate more slowly than the others, they all left when they were done, leaving her eating alone. Nor did anyone care about her grades, to play with her or if she had any problems at school.
His general feeling throughout his childhood was that of be an intruder She grew up with the idea that she was not deserving of everything she had and that she should also be grateful for the crumbs she received.
How to deal with the pain of being an unwanted child
In therapy, Verónica was realizing that how this slab of not belonging to the group continued to affect him in his present. He was always trying to fit in, being as nice and accommodating as he could so others wouldn’t get upset, but none of this worked for him. Everyone ended up taking advantage of her good will and, in the end, she never felt integrated anywhere.
In his sessions, We were working on this deeply rooted feeling that he dragged from being indebted to others and from having to fight to earn a space within the group.
The ultimate goal was for Verónica to stop focusing on the outside and on the expectations that others might have of her, to focus more on herself and what she wanted.
An important clue for Verónica was convinced himself that he no longer needed the care and attention of his family. They had never been in his life and never would be. In addition, at present, she herself had enough resources to pay for her house and her food. She didn’t need her family, nor did she need just any mate to survive.
Veronica she began to look at herself and assess all her abilities to, from there, build a new discourse about herself. She was no longer the unwanted child who had to make do with what little attention they wanted to give her. She was now a valid and independent adult who could take the upper hand in deciding what she wanted to do with her life.