Emotional abuse often occurs as an invisible web that the blackmailer weaves with our weaknesses to trap us. To break this damaging dynamic, we need to move beyond the victim role and regain our ability to value ourselves for who we are.
Let’s see an example. Carlos and Monica have been dating for a year. From time to time, he hints that they could live together, but Monica doesn’t feel ready to take that step and she rejects the proposal. He begins to press her: “If you don’t want to live with me, maybe it’s because you don’t love me…”. And later: “If you’re not incapable of making a stronger commitment, maybe we should drop it.”
She doesn’t want to lose him and ends up agreeing. with threats, Carlos has pressured Monica to manipulate her emotions. and compel her to act in a certain direction.
What is emotional blackmail?
It is a form of psychological abuse from which it is difficult to defend oneselfSo, for the blackmailer to be able to influence our emotions, there must be an affective closeness. That is why it is more common in the closest ties and it is so difficult to tackle and it is so harmful.
Emotional blackmail is usually expressed as: “If you don’t do this, this will happen”, a threat that is maintained over time and leads to a situation of domination. We can all suffer, even commit, subtle and sporadic emotional manipulations without being aware of it.
When this behavior becomes habitual behavior and it goes on, then we talk about emotional blackmail. At that moment, a pattern is established in which the blackmailed person submits to the will of the blackmailer.
The consequences: the victim will be forced to act against their will, which will lead to personal stagnation, as well as emotional exhaustion and weakened self-esteem.
How to deactivate a blackmailer?
To break up a situation of emotional blackmail, The first step is to recognize it. But it is not always easy. Blackmailers seem to have a knack for identifying another’s weaknesses in order to, consciously or unconsciously, take advantage of it.
There are even those who consider that there is no emotional blackmail if someone does not allow themselves to be blackmailed and that, somehow, the victims find satisfaction in submitting to that game. I don’t think it’s always like that. A person with no intention of being subjected can be “caught” in a web of emotional blackmail.
Certain personality characteristics can make us scapegoats:
- The tendency to blame ourselves
- pretend to save others
- Avoid confrontations
- Wanting to be “well seen” by others…
It is not true that the victim of blackmail is voluntarily. But the responsibility to get out of this situation falls on her, whose main responsibility is that she does not defend herself. Why do not you do it?
You probably don’t recognize the threat at first, because the blackmailer’s attacks focus on the points that the victim herself questions. That is why he usually agrees with her and thinks: “It’s true, I did not act well, I should have listened to him …”. And so he sinks more and more.
And when he acknowledges the blackmail, he fears facing the consequences. The victim believes that he is at the mercy of the other, that a response from him is not possible. But it’s not like that. “If you leave home, you won’t see the children anymore!” a blackmailer may say. “A judge would never allow that” would be a reasonable response.
How to respond to attacks?
It is always possible to answer individually or resorting to legal and judicial institutions. When we understand that we are being threatened and that we are ready to defend ourselves, we will be ready to deal with blackmail: not give in to their demands. There is no other way out.
It is possible to be very firm and very loving at the same time. Many blackmailers are blackmailers because, deep down, they do not believe that someone can give them what they ask for “out of good will.” This doesn’t justify him, but it opens a door: one could let him know that you don’t mean to abandon him.
Hearing these words, an emotional blackmailer can change his attitude. But at other times he will feel in danger and intensify the blackmail. Then we will have to stand firmer and defend ourselves with all means.
If the blackmailer does not give up his attitude, the victim’s change of position can lead to the dissolution of the bond. And, even if there is affection involved, there may be no other alternative.
4 toxic profiles that we should keep away
There are 4 well-defined types of emotional blackmailer. Discovering their tricks and personal characteristics can help you overcome a situation of psychological and emotional blackmail.
American therapist Susan Forward describes in his book emotional blackmail, four classes of blackmailers according to the type of manipulation they use. Knowing them, even in broad strokes, can help us.
1. The Punishers
They threaten to retaliate if their demands are not agreed, exposing it openly: “If you separate from me, you will not see the children” or “Do not accompany me, but then do not complain if I end up with another”.
2. The self-aggressive
They threaten to hurt themselves. –or even threaten suicide– when they are upset: “If you leave me, I won’t answer for my life”. Threats can also occur without words, such as self-injurious behavior that appears systematically after a refusal.
3. The martyrs
They are the most subtle blackmailers, for use the victim’s guilt to make it act in a certain way. This type of blackmailer usually uses expressions –always accompanied by an attitude of resignation– of the type: “Don’t worry about me, I’ll stay here, I know I’m annoying everywhere…”.
4. The seducers
They use a kind of reverse blackmail: They tell us all the good things they will do for us… but, of course, only if we agree to their wishes: “You do what I tell you and you’ll see how you won’t have to worry about anything.”