We live in an increasingly changing society and, with it, the way we live love and relate to each other has also changed. There are people who do not believe in monogamy and, in response to this, defend polyamory and open relationships. If you can have more than one friend, why can’t you have more than one sexual-emotional relationship without it meaning that you don’t value all your relationships? In this Psychology-Online article, we want to talk to you about open relationships, whether they work according to psychology and give some rules for beginners in polyamory.
What is an open relationship?
It can be defined as the possibility of establishing more than one sexual-emotional relationship in a consensual, ethical and egalitarian way. This way of perceiving love breaks with the canons established until now, monogamous relationships and the happiness associated with the love of a single partner, as well as infidelity as proof of heartbreak and loneliness. Polyamory was born as an alternative to all this and to form the diversity of love relationships that can be established between people. Polyamory defends that loving relationships are determined by the society in which we are immersed.
What to do if your partner asks you for an open relationship and you don’t want it?
How to act when your partner asks you for an open relationship? As the definition of polyamory says, the open relationship must be consensual, ethical and egalitarian, If you do not feel prepared to start an open relationship, you should not do it.since these involve high emotional management and high self-knowledge of yourself that allows you to feel comfortable with this type of relationship, currently society is still very anchored in monogamy. You should not feel guilty for not wanting or feeling comfortable in another type of relationship, as long as you accept and respect that they exist.
In the event that you have doubts about whether to accept an open relationship with your partner or not, or that open relationships make you curious, but you still do not know how you are going to be able to manage it, you must be able to talk freely about these concerns with your partner in order to be able to reach an agreement or negotiation. Maybe you can try it later or start by looking for a partner for each of you together, etc. There are many types of open relationships and ways to carry them out. Next, we talk about open relationships for beginners.
Open Relationship Rules for Beginners
How to adapt to an open relationship? At first, open relationships, and even more so when you have never been in one of them, are not easy to manage. When undertaking this type of relationship we must learn to manage different aspects. Below we are going to establish some rules of an open relationship that should be taken into account when starting a polyamorous relationship:
- Consensus: it is the basic rule to start any open relationship, there must be a mutual agreement to establish it and equality to use it.
- Mutual trust: one of the rules of open relationships for beginners is trust. This trust must include a lot of communication between the couple, being able to express feelings, concerns, and of course they must also talk about what protective measures are being taken in each relationship.
- Time management: before starting polyamory, it is important to establish some times, that is, despite being in an open relationship, you have the right to want to spend X amount of time with your partner and not accept being relegated by other loves, that is , wanting to continue being a priority for your partner.
- Sexual safety and hygiene: this point is very important to discuss to avoid any type of risk. Given the possibility of establishing various sexual relationships with different people, the use of protection in every sense must be taken very seriously to avoid both unwanted pregnancies and STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). At this point, it is important not only to talk about it, but also to look at what practices you have carried out and what measures you have taken to see the reliability of the possible protections.
- Get rid of the idea of romantic love: one of the main things that can limit polyamory is polyamory, this speaks of a single love to whom you give everything. Well, polyamory breaks all these schemes, which is why if someone wants to start open relationships they must abandon these myths and open their mind to new horizons.
Open relationships and jealousy
Jealousy is, surely, the main problem in open relationships. Sex expert and educator Reid Mihalko explained in 2008 that there were 8 main reasons why a person in an open relationship would feel jealous and the ways to address and solve them. Below we present all of them:
- Possessiveness and control: in an open relationship, we have to consider how possessive we are, what level of control we need to feel safe and how much time I want my partner to invest in me.
- Insecurity: to undertake any type of polyamorous relationship, you must first ask yourself how safe or secure you feel in the relationship and, conversely, what levels of insecurity you have, or what possibilities you see of the relationship stagnating or breaking up and how often You think about the breakup.
- Loss: this section refers to the feeling or fear that one has in the relationship of losing the other or of abandonment. Before starting a polyamorous relationship, we must consider how afraid of change we are.
- Attack on self-esteem or rejection: before starting any type of open relationship, we must consider how it can affect our self-esteem if our partner sees other people, to what extent this fact can lead to rejection.
- Loneliness: what happens to us if we are not with this person? Does a feeling of fear or distrust invade us? Different studies explain that polyamory can only be used in those people who have a great security and confidence in themselves and that they feel comfortable with solitude, that is, they like to spend time with themselves.
- Low self-esteem: if we detect that we have low self-esteem, polyamory can create greater insecurity in ourselves. In this article you will find information for.
- Values: we must review our values and mental schemas and see to what degree or extent we would accept a polyamorous relationship and if it could be healthy.
- Envy: avoid comparisons between the different couples that your partner establishes, to avoid complexes.
As mentioned above, an open relationship involves high emotional management and you must be sure before starting it so as not to damage your being in it.
Open relationships and children
If the open relationship is well accepted and carried out by the couple themselves, There should be no problem in caring for sons and daughters.. Since ancient times, when raising sons and daughters, there has been multiple coexistence; grandparents, uncles, cousins, etc. lived in the houses. On many occasions cousins almost became brothers for some. In the case of open and polyamorous relationships, it can happen as in the case of divorced people, who start a new relationship with another person. It must be naturalized and normalize all types of relationships to facilitate acceptance before sons and daughters. You can also keep other people outside the family and agree with your partner that open relationships are always established outside the family nucleus. Each style of open relationship and children will depend on the couple themselves.
Do open relationships work?
Wondering if open relationships work? These types of relationships can work perfectly if you both agree with it and with its philosophy. If the open relationship is only accepted to please the other part of the couple, it is most likely that both of you will end up having a bad time, since you do not share the same values regarding the relationship. So, open relationships work as long as you are both convinced.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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Bibliography
- Bauman, Z. (2005). Liquid Love. About the fragility of human bonds. Buenos Aires, Economic Culture Fund.
- Mihalko, R. (2008). Jealousy: the eight-armed octopus. 2016 consultation. Own translation. Recovered from https://amorsplurals.cat/2016/02/11/comafrontar-els-8-bracos-del-pop-de-la-gelosia-part-i/