In order for a child to grow up physically healthy, they need to have their basic needs for food and protection from possible dangers covered. In addition, for him to grow and be sure of himself, it is essential to deal with other types of emotional needs that not all parents can or know how to attend to. The deficiencies of this support and emotional shelter in early childhood are felt throughout life.
In this article I tell you why it is convenient to attend to those emotional needs during childhood and the real case of Javier, a patient who experienced the consequences of not receiving that support.
Childhood and Maslow’s pyramid
In recent years, the most modern educational currents advocate raising and caring for children globally, understanding and accompanying their physical, emotional and intellectual needs, but this has not always been the case. In fact, respectful parenting is still in the minority and most families continue to raise based more on the interests of adults than on those of children.
However, already in 1943, the psychologist Abraham Maslow spoke clearly of the importance of these emotional needs. for human health in its , best known for its famous pyramid.
- If we follow the classification of needs proposed by Maslow, most parents manage to cover the first two scales of the pyramid: physiological needs (food, sleep…) and safety needs (protection and health, if we refer to to the kids).
- When we reach the third step of the pyramid, family and affection needs, problems begin. Many families do not think about the authentic needs of the children, but rather continue repeating patterns of submission and obedience that impede the emotional growth of the little ones.
- The last two levels, precisely those that make us more human, are hardly attended to. The fourth level, “Recognition”, refers to the need to grow in an environment of trust and respect, while the fifth, “Self-realization”, speaks of promoting creativity, problem solving, a sense of humor, etc
Most of the people who come to my office had more or less covered their basic needs during their childhood, but They suffered numerous emotional and affective deprivations. These deficiencies negatively marked the quality of their emotional health.
Real testimony: the case of Javier and the chickens
One of the examples that I will always remember, although it happened more than 15 years ago, is that of Javier, a 35-year-old boy who sought therapy to work on security problems and low self-esteem that affected him in his personal and work relationships.
Javier came from a small town in the interior of the province. His family was engaged in agriculture and he I had grown up among chickens and other farm animals.
His parents were always busy working on the land and animals, and barely had time to dedicate to their 5 children. The little ones learned to survive by adapting to what was asked of them. In the mornings, they went to school and, in the afternoons, they helped their parents with chores in the fields and around the house.
Over time, Javier studied Business Administration and got a job in a bank office in the capital, but the emotional deficiencies of his childhood continued to take their toll on him in his adult life.
For his part, his father felt very proud that his children had never “lacked for anything”, referring to the fact that they had always had food on their plates and a roof over their heads, but he did not take into account the rest of the needs of his children.
You cannot reproach him for not being able to do better because he himself had not had a precisely healthy model either. Javier’s father lost his mother when he was 8 years old and He grew up suffering from his father’s beatings when he did not do his farm chores. It is understandable that he was not capable of meeting the emotional needs of his children, if he himself had grown up without even knowing that those needs existed.
In his therapy, Javier was able to understand his father’s situation, but he also began to recognize the reality that he grew up dragging a large number of emotional deficiencies that undermined his confidence. In his childhood, they never supported his interests, did not care about his problems, did not shelter him if he cried, no one ever asked him how he felt.
In therapy, we cannot change the past, on the contrary, we must understand it and accept it, but we do You can work to heal emotional wounds and compensate, yourself, the deficiencies carried over from childhood.
Javier was leaving behind the rancor for his past. He stopped worrying about what might have been if he had had another family, sHe focused on taking care of himself and enhancing all his abilities in his current life.
Finally, from understanding and compassion, one day a conversation arose with his father in which Javier told him about how he had lived his childhood and of what he would have needed to grow with more self-confidence.
His father kept talking to him about the basic needs of food and protection, but Javier told him: “But dad, it is that we were more than chickens, it was not enough to feed us and protect us from the rain, we needed more care and affection”.
Treat emotional shortcomings in therapy
This conversation marked a turning point in Javier’s relationship with his father. The example of the chickens meant for the old man an awareness of what the children needed, about what his son had needed and, also, about what he himself had needed in his childhood.
Javier told me that he was beginning to notice emotional changes in his father. He was much more open, more dialoguing, and more interested in his children and grandchildren.
When the man died several years later, Javier wrote to tell me that their relationship had continued to improve. His email ended this way: “Ramón, despite the pain I feel, at least, I have the pleasant feeling of having helped improve my father in his later years. We were able to get to know each other much better and enjoy a new type of relationship that is much more human and warm”.