Many couples come to our psychology consultation who have been seeing for some time that their relationship is no longer what it used to be. Many of them complain about the lack of time, that they do not feel understood by the other, about routine, that they no longer talk like they used to, etc.
In couples therapy we mainly work on communication, the distribution of activities (couple and individual time) and conflict resolution.
Many relationship problems are caused by interpretations or thoughts that are not based on objective data. The situation is not problematic, our interpretation of it is.
In this article I am going to focus on the thoughts that may be causing relationship problems. Psychologists call them cognitive distortions, they are thoughts that are not based on objective data, that is, we have no evidence that they are true. Furthermore, they tend to be interpretations, value judgments, they appear automatically, they are very difficult to control and generate great discomfort. We all have this type of thinking error and we apply them to situations or to others in general. On many occasions, they are accentuated with our partner, causing problems that should not be there.
The most frequent cognitive distortions in relationships
Selective abstraction
It is about paying attention to a single aspect or detail of the situation. Information is taken out of context by highlighting certain details while ignoring important information. The positive aspects are often ignored, giving more importance to the negative aspects. For example, my partner is not very affectionate this morning and I think “he must be mad at me again.”
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Dichotomous thinking
Experiences are coded as all or nothing, good or bad, a complete success or a complete failure. For example, my partner tells me that I have been too good to my friend by doing him a favor and I think “I do everything wrong.”
Arbitrary inference
It consists of drawing conclusions from a situation that are not supported by the facts, even when the evidence is contrary to the conclusion. For example, my partner arrives home half an hour late and I think “surely she has been with someone else, she is having an affair.”
Overgeneralization
One or two isolated incidents serve to represent all similar situations, related or not. For example, my partner doesn’t want to have sex with me and I think “he doesn’t want to have sex with me anymore, he’s not attracted to me, he’s always going to reject me.”
Magnification and Minimization
Tendency to exaggerate the negative aspects of a situation, an event or one’s own quality and to minimize the positive aspects. For example, when faced with an unforeseen expense, one member of the couple reproaches the other “we are financially ruined.”
Personalization
They attribute external events to themselves when there is not enough evidence to reach that conclusion. For example, my partner tells me that a friend of his talks a lot and I think “it bothers him when I tell him my problems.”
tunnel vision
Some couples see only what they want to see or what fits their mental state. For example, if I have the idea that my partner has to satisfy all my sexual requests, it may seem selfish for him/her to ask me for something.
biased explanation
This is an almost suspicious thought that couples develop during times of conflict, where there is an automatic assumption that their partner has a reason for acting. For example, “my partner is acting very loving because he wants me to do something later that I hate doing.”
Global tags
It consists of putting global labels on ourselves or others without taking into account other nuances. For example, my partner breaks a glass while scrubbing and I think “he’s just so clumsy.”
Mind reading
This is the magical gift of being able to know what others are thinking without verbal communication. For example, “I know what you’re thinking, that you don’t want to go to my parents’ house for lunch on Sunday.”
Surely some of the examples have seemed very exaggerated to you and you have thought, “I don’t think like that,” “I don’t do that.” However, in others you will have felt identified. The complex thing about these thoughts is, as I mentioned at the beginning, that they are automatic, very difficult to identify and control.
recommendations
For all of the above, it is very important that the couple have good communication. A technique that we can recommend is ask. It seems simple but many times we don’t do it. If you have any doubts, it is better to ask your partner directly and not assume, because, as we have seen, the conclusion you can draw could be influenced by irrational thoughts.
Another very useful technique would be paraphrasing. It consists of repeating the content of what your partner has told you so that they clarify it better or so that they perceive that we have understood it. For example, after an argument, María summarizes what was discussed to Pedro: “what you are telling me is that during the next month you are going to have more work and spend less time at home, correct?”
Lastly, it is important that you use the feedback. Simply use expressions such as “I understand”, “I hear you”, “ok”, “okay”, to show your interest and so that the other person realizes that you are listening.
I hope I have helped you understand how your thoughts can influence your communication with your partner and that you put the explained techniques into practice.
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