Surely some friend of yours, someone you know, or even you may have stayed on the bench while others played the important game of this season. Surely you felt anger and helplessness at not being able to participate or contribute your techniques or knowledge to the team. That feeling of being one more because you participate, you have your equipment, you go to training and give your best, but then in the important moments that you would like to be present, you have the feeling that they are ignoring you.
What happens if this situation stops being part of a sports scene and you start having this feeling in a relationship? Have they ever left you “on the bench” or have they made you benching? In this Psychology-Online article, we explain everything you need to know about the benching: what it is, how to identify it and how to act on it.
What is benching
He benching refers to leaving a person “on the bench” or “in reserve”, that is, to the fact of maintain relationshipsa priori of any kind, for some type of specific interest. Normally, the benching It has been related to romantic relationships, in which one of the members maintains the relationship for the benefit they get from it.
The causes of benching can be varied, either because you get a profit sexual, because the relationship allows the person to maintain relationships whenever they want, or it can also be on a sentimental level, because they know that that person likes them and that guarantees emotional support. Even so, it does not have to occur only in these types of relationships; It can occur between friends or even in work relationships.
Some authors have even classified it as a form of emotional abuse. Many attribute the existence of benching to new technologies and their peak, since they allow us to maintain contact with several people with little effort and without the need for physical or face-to-face interaction. This fact encourages having “reserve” people without a great burden of conscience.
The practice of benching It has also been related to those Cluster B type personalities, such as narcissistic or histrionic, since they are characterized by a constant demand for attention and admiration from others towards themselves. In these articles, we tell you in more detail and what the .
Signs to identify benching
How do I know if I am a victim of benching Or if I’m the one doing it and I didn’t realize it? Next, we show you different signs to identify the benching:
- He shows interest in having meetings with you, but you never finish specifying the moment.
- Even if you specify the moment in which you will meet, in the end never available.
- After maintaining very close contact with you, for no reason he begins to show distant and cold.
- No There are people in your environment who know your existence.
- It can interact with your social networks, but not contact you or reply to the message.
These behaviors base their strategy on what is known in learning as intermittent reinforcement of variable interval, that is, the person reinforces your interaction intermittentlywithout you being able to determine exactly when that reinforcement is going to be given.
How to act if you are benched
If you suspect that there are people in your life who present the signs we just saw, then read on to find out how to act if they do to you. benching:
- Identify the type of relationship that unites you with that person: Is your friend? Is it a co-worker? Is he someone you like, but you haven’t seen each other yet? Or have you already had a date with that person and now you notice that he makes you benching?
- See what you want from that relationship: It is important that you do a little introspection and be able to identify what your needs are and what you want from that relationship. For example, is it a relationship you are interested in maintaining? What do you want to start? Because? What does it give you? Or is it just pure pride that makes you continue to be there because you don’t want to lose control of the relationship and you think you can get it back?
- Act in one way or another: Once the previous questions have been answered, it is important that, to the extent possible, you can talk to the other person about this, that you can communicate and that you reach a conclusion relevant to both parties. This conclusion should state whether you agree whether or not it is worth continuing to make an effort to maintain the relationship.
- Don’t force the situation: If you want to maintain that relationship, but, after the conversation, the person is reluctant to maintain it, you should not force it, since it will not give you anything positive or anything that you can nourish yourself with. Surely, if you force the continuation, the only thing you will achieve is to maintain those “reserve” behaviors that you are trying to escape, which can lead to a toxic relationship from which it will be increasingly difficult for you to get out. If it happens to you, in this article you will find information about .
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Benching: what it is, signs to identify it and how to actwe recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- American psychiatric association, (2014). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders DSM – 5. Madrid, Spain. Pan-American medical publishing house.
- Carlson, N. R. (2014). Physiology of behavior. Madrid. Pearson Education, S.A.
- Castillero, O., . Benching: false relationships maintained for convenience. Recovered from: Benching: false relationships maintained for convenience (psicologiaymente.com)
- Guerri, M. (May 1, 2021). Benching: when you have a partner on the bench. Recovered from: Benching: when you have a partner on the bench (psicoactiva.com)
- Harley, W.F., (1999). What he needs, what she needs. Revell.
- Iserte, M. (July 8, 2021). Forms of emotional abuse: Benching. Recovered from: Forms of emotional abuse: Benching – Montse Iserte