Do you know someone who plays the victim? Do you think you may be a person with a tendency to play the victim? Sometimes, acquiring undesirable attitudes or surrounding ourselves with people who do so can be very frustrating for our personal development and emotional comfort. In this Psychology-Online article we explain What does it mean to play the victim and how does this behavior occur?we will see how to try to avoid it and be a little more aware of ourselves.
What does it mean to play the victim?
First of all, defining this expression will help us provide context on the topic. What exactly do we mean when we use the term “playing the victim”?
The meaning of victim according to the Royal Spanish Academy is “a person who suffers damage through the fault of another or due to a fortuitous cause.” Curiously, the RAE also has a definition for the term play the victim: “complain excessively seeking the compassion of others.”
In these two definitions we can detect two extremes, the definition of victim has a “culprit” other than the person, however in the second definition the complaint and the intention to draw attention in some way of others.
If we stay only in the analysis of the expression, the sensation that it can produce is the intentionality of the person who “plays the victim.” This can lead to rejection from this person or from ourselves when we detect that we have victimized behavior.
Why are there people who like to play the victim?
When we think about attitudes that we consider negative or undesirable, it is very difficult for us to recognize them in ourselves, since our brain is prepared to omit what it is not capable of sustaining. But the truth is that we have all, to a greater or lesser degree, behaved in a victim-like manner at some point in our lives.
We tend to read these types of articles from a perspective detached from ourselves, that is, when we begin to read the attitude, behavior or characteristics of playing the victim, we think of a person we know or have around us, but almost never. We do the exercise of self-criticism. I invite you to try to reflect on the topic, trying Identify a time when your behavior was similar or you think you could have this type of attitude, because from the humility of observing yourself you can acquire very valuable knowledge that will allow you to recognize attitudes that are impeding your emotional development.
One of the big mistakes we make when identifying a person with constant, passive or victimizing complaining attitudes is the idea that their behavior is a choice, that is, that they do it because they like it or want to. This is not the case, the behaviors or roles we play in our lives are a consequence of our experiences, education, culture, disposition, self-knowledge and many other factors, therefore it is not a “choice.” Therefore, it is not that we like to play the victim, but that It’s the way we’ve learned to behave.
The reasons for victimhood
When people act with a victimistic attitude it is for the following reasons:
- Feeling of helplessness. We must keep in mind that when we acquire behavior from a victim perspective, it is because in some way we feel that way, that is, we feel helpless, vulnerable or overwhelmed by the situation or people around us.
- Difficulty. Assuming that something overcomes us is assuming our vulnerability and on many occasions we do not have the necessary emotional tools to allow ourselves to feel our fear or pain.
- Social pressure. In Western society we are educated with the belief in strength, believing that we can achieve everything we set our minds to and the idea of constant effort.
- Lack of emotional education. They do not teach us to live with the emotions that cause us displeasure or create anxiety, this causes us to create models of avoidance in situations that we do not know how to face and the terror that “failing” causes us. When we have knowledge and respect for our emotions and how they act in the circumstances that surround us, for example, the fact of “failing” is not taken as a defeat, but as learning, acquiring knowledge of the environment and our limitations, allowing us to try again what we had proposed.
- Unsafety. On the other hand, from insecurity and little connection with our emotions, a “failure” would have no place, since we would have to assume that “we couldn’t”, this would be unsustainable for a person with low emotional knowledge or who tends to play the victim. and would choose to blame someone, avoiding responsibility for their limitations. In the following article you will find.
Consequences of playing the victim in a relationship
If you think you are in a relationship with someone who uses the victim-playing attitude, consider the latter, possibly He’s not even aware that he’s doing it.. Trying to reflect their victimhood attitude to a person can be a bad idea, since the person who has acquired that role will not have the ability to identify it and will blame you, projecting their negative feelings and feeling that it is you who wants to harm them.
On the other hand, it is healthy to see what kind of relationship you have with that person, sometimes, the behavior of one is encouraged by the behavior of the other. That is, you can ask yourself: in what way do I encourage this victimizing behavior?
Sometimes one can assume the protector role causing the other person with a tendency to avoid responsibility to increasingly assume victim behavior.
If you assume the role of protector, worrying more about someone, trying to solve their problems, crossing the line of individuality, it is positive that you begin to acquire responsibility for yourself and learn to detach yourself from those attitudes, leaving space for the other person to learn to take responsibility of their own circumstances, thus being more free and autonomous in their life, in this way you will be promoting that person’s growth at the same time as your own.
If, on the other hand, you believe that your behavior is that of a victim, it is advisable to ask yourself the same question: how do I encourage protective behavior? Detecting the behaviors that you have acquired within the relationship, why you are looking for someone to protect you or solve your problems or, will help you to be able to start being self-sufficient and responsible for your attitudes.
It must be taken into account that any relationship that is built out of necessity, whatever the type, is not a healthy relationship, since there will always be one of the parties that has power over the other, and may even exchange roles since the habit of “giving and receiving” is acquired. A healthy relationship is not based on what we get from it.but in who we are and how we share what we are with others.
How to stop playing the victim?
Presumably, as in everything, there are different levels of victim behavior. If you have been able to make a self-criticism and have detected a moment in which you have behaved from a position of victim, let’s see how to change the victim attitude:
1. Analyze yourself
Try to see why you have behaved from a position of victim, do not put the responsibility on the other, ask yourself:
- Why did I act submissively?
- Why didn’t I take responsibility?
- What was I afraid of?
- What were you trying to avoid?
With these simple questions you can begin to investigate yourself, beginning to take responsibility for your behavior.
2. Analyze the environment
In some cases, behavior is influenced by the environment, as we explained before, one tendency can be influenced by another, if you realize that you are in a situation. environment of overprotection or excessive controlit is healthy to give yourself space, allowing you to observe your behavior outside of this environment and detect if there are changes in your attitude.
3. Take responsibility
Sometimes we want to know where our attitudes come from and we focus on finding answers. Passive attitudes and feelings of victimhood are usually caused by overprotection or experiences where we feel helpless in the early stages of our development. But the truth is that discovering the origin is not synonymous with healing, in fact it becomes an escape from taking responsibility for the current behavior.
4. Empower yourself
Any behavior we use in the present, even if it has an origin in the past, is onlyand can be resolved in the present. By raising awareness, realizing how we connect, what we look for in others, what we avoid and what attitude we have in the face of adversity, with all this information and little by little we can acquire responsibility and empower ourselves as free people.
5. Ask for professional help
If you think that you are not capable of doing this process autonomously or you feel that you do not have any type of responsibility for what happens in your life, it is recommended that you go to a professional, start a emotional growth therapy It can help you gain knowledge and power to manage your life from who you are, respecting yourself and building healthy relationships.
6. Get to know yourself
The only way to change any kind of attitude What does not satisfy us is knowledge, ask ourselves questions like:
- Who I am?
- What do I like about myself?
- That I do not like it?
- What would I like to improve?
Seek answers to these questions through readings, talks with people around us or from different backgrounds, therapy or any activity that helps you get to know yourself a little more.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
If you want to read more articles similar to Playing the victim: why and how to stop doing it?we recommend that you enter our category.
Bibliography
- Fromm, E. (2004). The fear to the freedom. Barcelona: Paidós.
- Fromm, E. (2017) To have or to be. Barcelona: Paidós.
- Goleman, D. (1996) Emotional Intelligence. Barcelona: Kairos.
- Pradervand, P. (2007) Victim or responsible? I decide. Barcelona: Salt Terrae.