“Sometimes the longest path can be the almost 46 cm between the head and the heart” – Dan Bobisnki. “Neither with you nor without you” style couples are those who cannot be together and, at the same time, cannot completely end the relationship. We recognize these couples because they have in common that they end and resume the relationship numerous times, that one member of the couple seeks commitment while the other member is indecision: yes, but no, at the same time that the relationship predominates. feelings of uncertainty, imbalance, insecurity and dissatisfaction. In this PsicologíaOnline article, we talk about the ambivalent couple relationshipswhat are its causes and we show some tips to get out of them.
Causes of ambivalent relationships
When we find ourselves in a relationship of this type, we try to look for explanations and causes to understand it. According to Walter Riso, there are 4 reasons why people maintain an ambivalent relationship:
- Sexual attachment: When sexuality is what exists in the couple, an attraction-rejection occurs. Once the sexual need is covered, the other areas of the relationship, such as intimacy and commitment, are unnecessary, so when faced with any manifestation of these components, the ambivalent person flees.
- Intolerance of loneliness: It occurs when a person cannot manage their loneliness and needs another person to fill that void, so when the partner is by their side, they begin to miss the solitude and independence that they enjoyed before and consequently, they move away. of the couple. Once in the distance, she feels alone and looks for her partner again to complete that void, becoming a vicious circle.
- Fear of compromise: Generally the ambivalent person does not tell his partner that he does not want to commit, so apparently the relationship seems balanced, but when it evolves, becoming more intimate and going deeper into more personal levels, he rejects it and distances himself.
- The blame: The person is not able to end their relationship, so when they are separated, they are charming and affectionate with their partner, but when they are close, not wanting to occupy that place, they become angry and express rage.
How to get out of an ambivalent relationship
Being immersed in an ambivalent relationship generates emotional exhaustion and suffering, especially for the person who wants a more balanced and committed relationship. This author proposes a series of strategies that you can put into practice to face a relationship in which emotional ambiguity is present:
- Reject heartbreak: It is normal that at some point in our relationship doubts arise about whether they love you or not, but for it to become a constant is not fair or healthy for the relationship. If your partner despises you and shows lack of love frequently, try to walk away, I know it is difficult, but being with a person with whom you do not feel loved or loved does a lot of damage and you do not deserve it.
- Be emotionally independent: When you decide to end this cycle of love/heartbreak, you will discover that you have more control over your emotions and you will not feel manipulated or manipulated. The emotions you feel will be your own and will not be influenced by your partner’s mood.
- Try not to look for explanations: This strategy is the most used, the aim is to find the causes and explain them to the couple in order for them to change and commit to the relationship. If you have put it into practice, you will have verified that it does not have the expected results. This guideline is related to the following:
- You are the couple and not their therapist: People who suffer from an ambivalent relationship try to help the person who does not want to commit. They look for favorable examples in other people, they research the topic… In reality, the person who has the doubt or the unresolved conflict is your partner. You are clear that you love that person, so let your partner decide to clear up their doubts.
- Objectivity: When we are in love we give more credibility to words than to actions. Think about it. If he has promised us that he is going to change, that everything will be better and that he will show us more how much he loves us… has he done it? If the answer is NO or he may have changed for a short period of time but then returned to his distant attitude, why would he change now?
I know that leaving an ambivalent relationship is very difficult, as well as painful, since the way of loving “neither with you nor without you” produces a “emotional attachment” from which it is difficult to separate. But if you want to enjoy a committed relationship, in which you feel loved and valued and in which you do not suffer for love, propose a change. If you see that you cannot do it yourself, go to a professional to guide and accompany you in the process of building a healthy and balanced concept of love and emotional relationships, so that you can enjoy love.
This article is merely informative, at Psychology-Online we do not have the power to make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment. We invite you to go to a psychologist to treat your particular case.
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