Each one of us, from our beliefs, we grant a different meaning to the family and social mandate to “honor parents”.
In this audio, Enric Corbera tells us about invisible loyalties: how we are trapped by an invisible programming that our ancestors have transmitted to us.
In most cultures and societies throughout history, parents have been considered the figures of greatest wisdom and importance, and respect and loyalty towards them have been promoted.
When we don’t know the true meaning of this idea, the relationship with our parents can become an obstacle to our personal growth and emotional well-being. Nevertheless, Understanding what it really consists of allows us to reconcile with them and take back the reins of our lives..
If you want to know the vision that Bioneuroemotion has on this subject, and how it can help you establish a healthier and more constructive relationship with your parents, whether or not they are present, we invite you to read this article.
In this video Enric Corbera tells us the difference between family loyalty and honoring the family.
What does the command “Honor your father and your mother” mean?
The word honor is derived from the Latin I will honor or honoris and It means to respect, give honor or celebrity, exalt or reward someone’s merit.
This meaning gives us a general idea of what it is to honor our parents, however, the personal interpretation of these words is unique and is influenced by and the teachings that have been instilled in us.
For example, in the realm of religion, the meaning attached to honoring parents implies praise and esteem through respect, obedience, admiration, and retribution.
An inflexible interpretation of those words can influence us in a limiting way.preventing us from maturing emotionally and assuming the reins of our lives.
Beliefs determine our experiences
The family nucleus is where we have our first contact with the vision of the world and of ourselves, which is conditioned by the ideas and way of life of our parents and those around us.
This way, we are influenced by how they think, feel and behave. We assume this information as true, generating our own mental map, based on a system of beliefs, conscious and unconscious, which are the ones that end up governing our lives.
Beliefs are ideas, mental constructs, or thoughts that we assume to be true or probable about the world, its functioning and our behaviors in the face of life circumstances.
Our beliefs hold unseen loyalties
During the first years of life we need to receive care to survive, and it is during this stage that we create bonds of attachment with our parents or caregivers.
As we grow we integrate these figures as our assuming as ours the ideology, values, customs and beliefs of the family.
As we get older, the need for care becomes need for acceptance and belongingand in this way through our beliefs we remain loyal to our system.
“We are not what we want to be. We are what society demands. We are what our parents chose. We do not want to disappoint anyone, we feel a great need to be loved. That’s why we suppress the best of ourselves. Little by little, what was the light of our dreams becomes the monster of our nightmares. They are the unrealized desires, the unlived possibilities.”
Paulo Coelho
Feeling of debt towards parents
In every family system there is a kind of “invisible contract” that aims to unite the family under implicit rules that all members assume, consciously or unconsciously. In this way, we develop a feeling of fidelity and commitment that keeps us .
In this sense, we have been transmitted beliefs about what it means to honor parents that implicitly carry the idea of debtcommitment or unwavering loyalty to them.
These beliefs underpin a misconception of the meaning of “honor”, which prevents us from evolving and maturing emotionally.
If, at an unconscious level, we have this feeling of obligation or debt towards our parents, we will not be able to fulfill ourselves individually, because we will maintain “loyalty” to ours, putting aside our own needs and priorities.
O well it is possible that by making decisions different from those of our clan and following our own steps in life, we have because we believe that we are “disobeying” the family mandate.
The role of children in relation to parents
The figure of parents is fundamental in our life because they are in charge of providing us with protection, affection, structure, guidance and support throughout our development.
Nevertheless, parents are not perfect and most often they do not meet our expectations. They have educated us based on their own learning, beliefs and conditioning, acquired in turn in their childhood family environment.
Thus, many parents fail to love us as we expected, they may have been too authoritarian, absent, overprotective, abusive, etc. Being emotional adults means stopping judging them and taking responsibility for our lives.allowing the judgment of
“Compassion for our parents is the true sign of maturity.”
Anaïs Nin
If we do not take this step and emotionally emancipate ourselves, resentment towards them can generate an internal clash with the imposed idea, consciously or unconsciously, that we have to honor them to be “good children”.
Being “good children” prevents us from maturing emotionally
Many people, when they reach adulthood, still think that being a “good son” is do what their parents want and be what they expect so as not to upset them.
Although they think they are doing the right thing, and with the best of intentions, This attitude has nothing to do with what “honoring parents” really means.since it hinders their development, generating frustration and resentment.
That is, to adjust to some pre-established rules and striving to fit in with what is expected of us prevents us from to the point that it does not allow us to live our lives.
Therefore, the true meaning of being good children and honoring parents is take the reins of our life, to stop carrying the responsibility for our well-being on their shoulders.
reach emotional maturity
It would be ideal for all parents to love their children as they require, but this is not always the case.
When Because of their insecurities, shortcomings, and frustrations, they are using them as an excuse not to take responsibility for their own lives. That is to say, they remain in an emotional immaturity that prevents them from evolving.
In addition, whether or not they conform to what their parents expect of them, they are denying them their love because they did not love them as they wanted. However, they are not being aware that parents have also had a history with traumas and wounds of their ownwith which they have done the best they know how.
“A person can only find happiness by being at peace with both parents.”
bert hellinger
Emotionally emancipated from parents
Maturity is not reached with the yearsbut it occurs when we emotionally emancipate ourselves from our parents.
This process involves accepting and understanding the parents, stop expecting them to change, to accept us, support us or love us; and carry out all this by ourselves.
Yes and we put in order the place where we come from, we can accept, value and appreciate what we have been given.
To the we are released and can see them with gratitude. Feeling grateful is an indicator that we have reached emotional maturity and it is what allows us to honor fathers in a way that is beneficial to all.
“There is an expiration date for blaming your parents for leading you in the wrong direction; By the time you’re old enough to take the helm, the responsibility is yours.”
JK Rowling
Recognize and accept the gift of our parents
make peace with our parents
Being at war with our parents prevents us from being at peace with ourselves. and consequently we cannot advance in life.
When we think that they do not love us, they have not done things well, they have not given us what we expected, they have ruined our lives with their decisions, or any other option that comes from criticism and judgment, we are unknowingly conditioning our own life.
Since when criticizing other people, especially our parents, we are judging and rejecting parts of ourselvesthat
Below you will find a self-inquiry exercise that will allow you to recognize yourself through your parents and will give you the opportunity to identify and integrate own aspects that are necessary for your evolution, balance and personal well-being.
Activity: projection on parents
Our greatest resource is in what we judge in the others. Therefore, we invite you to recognize as your own, those qualities that you see and judge – as “positive” or “negative” – in your parents, since they are a gift that as soon as you accept and integrate in yourself, they will allow you to be a more complete and free version of yourself.
This activity consists of . In this way, the judgment that we harbor is transformed into gratitude.
- Make a list of 2 or 3 virtues that your mother and father have or had. Some qualities that for you make them stand out in a special way.
- Then make another list with their flaws. Bad attitudes or negative qualities that you perceive from your father and mother.
At this point, you can look at the characteristics you have written and realize that, objectively, they are neither good nor bad. They are aspects of personality that have been considered as virtues or defects based on the and probably the cultural context.
However, from a broader look, we can understand that these characteristics can be beneficial or detrimental depending on the context.
For example, it is beneficial if we express it properly. That is, the lack of empathy disconnects us from the other, and being excessively empathetic distances us from ourselves.
- Finally, ask yourself in what way these characteristics or qualities are present in you. It may be that you express them in the same way, or in a complementary way.
For example:
- “My mother is splendid with money and so am I.” Or, in its complementary expression: “I’m a saver and it’s hard for me to spend what I have.”
- “My father is authoritarian and so am I”. Or, in the complementary aspect: “I am relaxed with the rules and it is difficult for me to set limits”.
From judgment to gratitude
The best way we have discovering personal resources is through projection, in this case of our parents. Once we manage to integrate into ourselves what we see in them, we will be able to .
To transcend conflicts and with parents it is necessary to understand that in what we judge is our greatest resource.
Retrieve and integrate these features…