Emotional manipulation in the couple

Our daily reality is full of different ways of handlingeither directly or indirectly, consciously or unconsciously. We all manipulate and are manipulated.

emotional blackmail it is a form of manipulation that can occur in any context. But the area in which it usually occurs with more frequency and intensity is in the couple.

Are you aware of your way of manipulating your partner and other people? tea you feel manipulated? In this article we explain what emotional manipulation consists of, how it manifests itself, and how to handle emotional blackmail to improve our relationships.

In this podcast, Enric Corbera reflects on how we face conflicts trying to change the other person, manipulating or even from victimhood. And he invites us to discover a different way of dealing with difficulties.

In this video, Enric Corbera analyzes the differences between couple relationships considered free and those considered toxic and offers some keys to relate to your partner in a healthy and constructive way.

If you want to learn more about the la method and how to apply it in your life to increase your emotional well-being, follow us on our social networks: YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter and Linkedin.

We learn to manipulate in childhood

The manipulation is an inherent attribute of the human being and is inseparable from its social nature. The suggest that we learn to manipulate when we are only 4 years old.

The action of manipulating becomes an unconscious habit as we mature. It is used to understand the mental states of others with the intention of modify their behavior.

This capacity is a fundamental aspect to develop the social intelligence. It forms the basis on which the success of our social interactions in all areas of adult life depends.

The problem is not manipulating, but with what intention we do it

The danger of manipulation arises when it ends up becoming a norm and is the basis of our social relationships.

The difference between manipulating and educating can be very subtle, or between manipulating and convincing, or between manipulating and romantically conquering. The difference is in the state of consciousness with which it is carried out and, above all, with our ability to identify the intention behind our behavior.

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Manipulation is necessary and inevitablebut whether it is beneficial or harmful depends on our state of consciousness.

when we try to control or manipulate to the other we are not being sincere or authentic, we lose contact with ourselves. We don’t show ourselves as we are and therefore we can’t really connect with other people.

Authenticity: the antidote to emotional manipulation

How do we manipulate? Types of emotional blackmail

Handle with praise, with silence, with rewards and also with punishments are different forms of emotional blackmail. Thus, we condition the people around us to be as we would like and, on many occasions, obviating or ignoring how they would really like to be.

Often in our closest relationships, as This is something so common and normalized that we don’t even realize it.

Learn to respect the freedom and autonomy of others and being able to respect our own, is of vital importance to maintain healthy and balanced relationships.

appear authentic

The antidote to manipulation is authenticity. As Erich Fromm said, being able to say “Yeah” when the world would want to hear a “not” and vice versa.

a real person recognizes and accepts their emotional states, identifies and communicates their needs, assumes responsibility for their actions, is honest and consistent.

Besides, the person who manipulates hides or disguises his true feelings. She acts so that others give her what she thinks she needs, since she considers herself incapable of providing it herself.

“I feel happier just being myself and letting others be themselves.”

Carl Rogers

The paradox is that all we are part authentic and part manipulative. But if we stop blaming others and focus on knowing and understanding ourselves, we can be more and more authentic, expressing what we feel and need at all times.

Emotional blackmail in the couple

Emotional blackmail is a form of control and manipulation that can occur in any context, such as work and the family nucleus. For example, there are adults who try to get children to obey through guilt, fear, threats, and intimidation.

But the area in which it usually occurs with more frequency and intensity is in the couple and it manifests itself in the form of , victimhood and revenge. Generating a loop of guilt, obligation and fear that and the emotional well-being of people.

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If in the face of a conflict we stop to observe our way of acting and we question what is our intention (what we want to achieve), it will be easy to identify the manipulation that we are exercising. Being aware of this is key to increasing our and access new ways of relating.

Unsatisfied expectations and needs in couple relationships.

When a person positions himself as a victim and condemns himself to , Consciously or unconsciously, he demands the same from the people around him. She demands, demands, believes in the right to feel disappointed when others do not act according to what she would have wanted.

When you stay in one you wait for the other to change, you put the responsibility of your happiness and your suffering on the other person. You do not act out of self-love or authentically, but out of fear of abandonment.

If we make emotional blackmail conscious and we can identify unmet need that is intended to cover (mine or the other), we can change the way in which we relate.

Bioneuroemotion and “toxic” relationships

We must be clear that but the relationship that is established between two individuals, in which both are participants and responsible for having established a dysfunctional relationship.

Therefore, if we find ourselves in a couple situation in which the handling it is excessive, we can and should change our way of relatingnot wait for the other to change.

Keys to transform our relationships

According to Bioneuroemotion, we can that we experience in “toxic” relationships as a tool that life gives us to learn to respect ourselves and transcend our own toxicity.

everything that comes into our life, because after all we have consciously or unconsciously attracted it. Staying with what makes us feel good and contributes is our decision alone. To achieve this, we propose the following keys:

1 – Take back our power

If we insist on what the one who “manipulates me” and does me “wrong”, . We give him our responsibility and from there we can’t do anything, because we give him the key to our well-being to another.

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“It is a choice. No matter how frustrating, boring, restrictive, painful, or oppressive our experience is, we can always choose how we respond.”

Edith Eger

how we feel, our actions and decisions, transforms us and changes the way we relate to each other.

2 – Identify unconscious beliefs and blocks

All that sustain the relationships that we usually call “toxic” arise from the belief in separation.

They tend to be unconscious beliefs As the. Or to think that another person is going to make us happy or is going to give us what we need, changing to be what we want it to be.

allows us to transform them.

3 – Become aware of family history

We relate according to the learning and beliefs that we acquire in the environment in which we live in the childhood. These predispositions they operate in our unconscious mind automatically even when we are adults.

To know the most representative experiences that our relatives and it allows us to understand why we relate as we do. Why we carry out certain behaviors and attitudes that harm us or are not functional for us, such as handling.

personal and family life is essential to resume responsibility for our lives and choose how to live it. Allows us change our perception and power how to act in our current relationships.

4 – Reversal of thought and transcendence

It mainly involves stopping placing the responsibility for my well-being on the outside and recognizing myself in everything I see and experience. Every relationship comes to teach us a new part of ourselves.

Avoid this and continuing to manipulate only sustains the internal conflict – intrapersonal -, which is expressed externally in an interpersonal conflict. It’s turning a deaf ear to a part of ourselves that wants to wake up.

Transcend is, understand what happened in a different way than and give a different response to the same type of situation. In this way, we can transform how we relate to establish more balanced and healthy relationships.

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