Emotional blackmail: what it is and how to deal with it

Emotional blackmail is an inappropriate, disrespectful and aggressive form of communication that many people use, sometimes without even realizing it.

Those who usually communicate in this way express a request for change, ask for help or simply express disagreement and complaint, with a clear objective of getting what they want. It is a selfish way of communication, which does not take into account the wishes of the other person.

Many children learn this type of communication at an early age and internalize it as normal. Phrases like “I’ll let you be my friend if you give me that book” or “If you were a good brother you would play with me” are typical expressions of emotional blackmail.

You could say that this is a subtle form of manipulation. Well, it seeks to influence the will of the other person, in order to get them to act as one wants and not as they really want.

Detecting and stopping emotional blackmail is important, not only for yourself, but also for the person who exercises it. Well, many times they do it without realizing it, and they also end up suffering the consequences.

Types of emotional blackmail

According to the type of strategy used by the “blackmailer”, three types of emotional blackmail can be distinguished.

1. Guilt

Using guilt as a method of manipulation is, unfortunately, something very common. In fact, it is something so common that it often goes unnoticed by those who suffer this type of treatment.

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Feeling guilty often leads us to act to the detriment of our own interests, and it is something that we must avoid.

Some typical phrases of those who use guilt as emotional blackmail are:

  • You can’t do this to me with everything I’ve done for you.
  • Are you going to leave me alone? Can’t you see that I’m wrong and that I need?
  • You disappoint me with that attitude.

2. Aggression

It is the most direct and harsh form of emotional blackmail. It uses punishment as a method of manipulation, and seeks to generate fear.

The phrases that reveal this type of strategy are:

  • If you don’t do what I ask, I’m leaving.
  • If you keep doing that, you forget about me forever.

3. Gifts

This last form of emotional blackmail is the most difficult to detect, because at first it is not seen as a bad thing.

The problem is that behind a nice attitude, like giving gifts or promises, manipulation is hidden. That is to say, those things that are “gifted” to us are not really disinterested, but rather a way of keeping us tied up. It’s more like an award for having the attitude the blackmailer wants.

It can be seen in phrases like:

  • If you accompany me to the concert I will accompany you to the doctor.
  • Don’t leave me, I promise to do everything you want.
  • Let’s take that trip together, but first help me pay for the car.

On the other hand, emotional blackmail is common in these types of relationships:

1. From parents to children

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It is very common for parents to use emotional blackmail to address their children. The worst thing is that very possibly, they will then replicate it.

Examples of this type of blackmail are:

  • If you continue like this I will get sick.
  • I don’t know why you enjoy hurting me.

2. From parents to children in separations

When a separation occurs, the children are inevitably left in the middle. And many times parents, to “win” the love of their children from the ex-partner, end up resorting to emotional blackmail.

We could say that they try to manipulate their children so that they choose them over their other parent. Of course they don’t usually do it on purpose, but it can still be very harmful to children.

  • With everything I love you and you choose to go with your mother (or father) on vacation.
  • They hurt me by spending so little time with me, I feel like they don’t love me.
  • Tell him you want to stay more days with me so we can go to the beach.

3. In the couple

Many relationships end up based on emotional blackmail. They are relationships that we could call “toxic”, because they are not supported by true love.

Of course, by learning to communicate assertively, the couple can get out of this state of emotional blackmail and recover, but it is very important to detect it in time.

examples

  • When you have that attitude I feel like you don’t value the relationship.
  • If you keep acting like this I’m leaving this house.
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How to act against emotional blackmail

The first thing to end emotional blackmail is to recognize it. Understand that it is not good or normal that a person we trust is not bribing all the time. Affection is built, it is not bought or demanded.

Also, as we said at the beginning, you have to understand that emotional blackmail is not good for either party. And that instead it is much healthier for everyone to speak things clearly and communicate assertively.

Thus, once this type of treatment is discovered, it is important to talk about it, and try to reach agreements outside of blackmail.

But also, for those who receive this type of manipulation, it is necessary to work on self-esteem. Understanding that one has the right to do what is good for them without feeling guilty about it, and that if someone we love does not understand it, they should stay away from our life.

Have you ever suffered emotional blackmail? Did you manage to end that kind of relationship?